Silencing the Sacred Feminine

I have been debating writing this piece.  I feel as if I am dealing with such a touchy subject but I have somehow discovered the courage to write it.  I am of course referring to the Pro-Life / Pro-Choice debate.  When you look at it at face value in the world we live in today it seems perfectly normal that a woman should have the right to choose based on whatever criteria is important to her whether it be her own health, health of the fetus, economic circumstances, age or that she just doesn’t want to have or raise a child. 

I think my own view is probably more in alignment with Pro-Life but I will never judge the very difficult choice some women have to make, some alone and some with their partners to terminate a pregnancy. Advances in medicine have given us the tools to ensure that healthy humans are born and to me that is a gift that allows us to make better choices.  However I still imagine that even then there is a careful consideration of all the facts before abortion is decided upon.  I never imagine it to be a careless or reckless choice but one that is made with sobriety and care.

However this is not what I want to write about, what I want to address is the legislation that is being brought to remove a woman’s right to choose.  For me this is a dangerous and slippery slope we are standing on and frankly have nothing to do with fetuses but everything to do with ensuring the Sacred Feminine does not rise. 

We are all aware of the women’s movements that have sprouted up at grassroots level and have been building momentum over time.  Were we really that naïve to think that the Patriarchal system would not fight back with any and all means at their disposal?  These men still hold the power and they will wield it ruthlessly.  

One simply has to look at the wording of the Bill put forth in Alabama to realize that this actually has nothing to do with the unborn but rather with the subjugation of women.  Who in their right minds would conceive that having a woman carry a rapist’s child to full term was a good idea, or worse still one of incest?  The fact is that the Bill will most likely not come into effect in the near future but it doesn’t have to.  It is a ploy that we must not be deceived by.  They are making the Bill as incongruous as possible to get it in front of the Supreme Court which is heavily stacked in the favour of the Patriarchy. 

For the better part of eight hundred years the Patriarchy systematically stripped all women of their rights and burned those who would not go quietly at the stake.  Picture a time, not so long ago (1900’s) when as a woman you could not own property, had no right to vote and once married you were not even regarded as a person.  As a matter of fact you weren’t even able to gain salvation and a place in heaven. 

Can you imagine going to a bank to open an account and being refused as a married woman because you would need your husbands’ signature?  I don’t have to imagine, that has actually happened to me.  In many countries that is still a requirement and it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around.  I remember being angry and humiliated but I still had to get my husband to sign, there was no alternative.

It is going to get worse before it gets better.  We should ready ourselves for pushback on a grand scale because the only recourse the Patriarchy has in this day and age is legislation and as I said they are going to use it.  It also doesn’t help that women still don’t see themselves as equal to their male counterparts some even go as far as to repress  themselves.  I don’t know how many times I hear comments from women, usually older women, about the “Good Ole Days” and how much simpler life was.  Make no mistake those days sucked big time for women and was the heyday of the Patriarchy.  We were barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen catering to every whim of the Masculine and that was never the intention of any God.

What I do know is that the Patriarchal Masculine energy will no longer be tolerated in the Universe.  Earth is being pushed to make strides forward in raising its awareness and consciousness.  To do this we need to strike a balance between the Sacred Feminine and the Sacred Masculine, neither one should be subjugated. 

I know that the older generations laugh at the Millennials because they seem to be blurring the lines between the genders but that is exactly the energy needed to start propelling us into the new consciousness.  Yes to some of us it may look ridiculous but any change is considered such in the beginning.  Just think back to when women started to wear slacks, they were ridiculed but now everyone finds it quite normal, a simple example but one of great significance.

We also are seeing an increase in men that are taking up the daunting task of healing their emotional pain, not just stuffing it down to fester into anger or drinking it into oblivion.  In doing so they are healing their generational masculine lineage a task that is by no means easy or insignificant.  The women are doing the same, in greater numbers at this time, but my dream is that we will soon be one for one.  What I do know is that when a woman heals she gently guides her mate to his healing and once we have balanced our own relationships with our partners, sons and daughters we are healing seven generations forward and seven back.  Just consider the ripple effect that can have on the vibration of the Earth!

To all of us who are healing and doing whatever we can to raise our own vibrations I say “A’Ho Awanestika”!  You have been heard and your healing is the greatest gift you can give us…

Love & Light

Trust… Fragile or Flexible?

I have been cautiously working with Trust.  Sometimes Trust is broken in big ways; infidelity, lying, stealing and abuse, and there is no doubt that when that happens most of us will walk away doesn’t matter what the other party has to say.  However most of the time trust is just slowly eroded until the thing that you trusted someone to do is just a shadow of the original agreement.

Anyone that knows me knows that broken trust has always been the one area where I have built walls around my heart.  Seems I can forgive almost anything but betrayal of trust.  There are a couple of really good reasons for that; the fact that people have often not lived up to their word and my perception, and therein lays the biggest issue, my PERCEPTION of their word and their intent.

How often have you thought that you had an agreement on a particular issue, only to find out that the other party didn’t see it as an agreement even though you gave them your bottom line, which they agreed to?  How many times have you been surprised by someone’s bending of the rules based on historical information that you might not even be privy to?  Interesting isn’t it?

Now, what is typically your response to broken trust when the rules are just bent or an agreement is “tweaked”? I know mine is to reassess and decide if my bottom line should move and if I can give a little based on the historical information I might now have etc. etc.  Either way what I am allowing for is the erosion of my trust and the sacrifice my integrity.   It is a clear message that my bottom line and any that follow is only a suggestion, not a bottom line at all and can be violated at any time with no consequences.  Pretty back and white… right?  Did you feel good in your body when you read that paragraph?  Probably not; because it comes across as angry, self-righteous, rigid and you most likely held your breath subconsciously.

What I know is that in my experience the world is not black or white but shades of grey.  Was the agreement really broken or was my perception of the agreement broken?  I promise you it will always be your perception that was broken.  Bending of a bottom line could be a price worth paying but the decision needs to be made on a case by case basis.  The consequences of all this “broken” trust becomes quite a stressor on all your relationships.

So, what to do?  Perhaps we should lighten up and look at agreements and trust in a different way:

The first thing to recognize is that you have a unique relationship with the concept of trust because it is based on your perception.  Your perception of the world is based on your moral values and beliefs, and these are created by your upbringing, experiences and the way you handle stress.  When you see it in that light it is obvious that no-one else will see things the way you do.  It is therefore illogical that you hold them to your standards and draw immovable lines.  What you can do is discuss the grey area.  Negotiate the terms that can move and the ones that can’t.   For me a bottom line that is unbendable is abuse, emotional or otherwise – if that trust is broken I walk away.  All other matters of trust I am prepared to negotiate, give a little, take a little to create a win-win.  If it becomes a lose-win for either party boundaries have been violated in which case it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship as a whole.

The second thing to recognize is that you can’t make people see or do things the way you do.  Take a romantic relationship as an example, often the reason you fell in love in the first place is because the person is different from you and gives you an opportunity to see the world through a different filter. The biggest and most dangerous phenomenon in today’s society in my opinion is that people are no longer allowed to disagree.  Disagreement is seen as “you don’t love me” which is nonsense.  Allow people to be themselves.  Don’t try to change them, change your perception of who they ought to be to who they are.  If they have habits that worry or annoy you, learn to hold space for yourself.  If no harm is being done adjust.  Being rigid and seeing only your way as the good or right way puts one person in control and causes huge stress for both parties, it is a lose-lose.  The person trying to live up to the rigid standards feel their self-worth being stripped away and the person holding the other to those standards feels anger and stress.  Both of these reactions lead to depression, anxiety and acting out; the oppressed in pushing boundaries and the oppressor in explosive anger and volatility. 

Change your relationship with integrity.  To be clear negotiating doesn’t mean you are sacrificing your integrity.  Integrity is not attached to trust as so many believe it to be.  Integrity is your personal bottom line and once again unique.  It is your values and belief systems that YOU won’t violate and has nothing what so ever to do with anything or anyone external.  You can’t force your values and beliefs (integrity) down someone else’s throat.

Lastly change trust to faith.  If you have made agreements have faith that the other person will keep those agreements to the best of their ability.  As people change and grow when feeling supported and loved so will their ability to hold agreements.  Give them and yourself the necessary space to breathe and grow into new ways of being.   Let go of expectations and relax, most of the things we get hung up on aren’t as important as we think anyway…

Love & Light

Don't look back... You are not going that way!

The other day I had to go drop my son off in my old neighbourhood to pick up his car.  I drove by my old house.  Suddenly I was struck by a deep sense of sadness and loss.  I thought I had dealt with the grief of losing so much so I found it surprising that I should have such a visceral reaction to seeing my old home. Then it hit me… the sense of failure that is connected to that loss.  I felt that everything I had worked for over the last decades of my life was squandered and I had no-one but myself to blame.

Unconsciously every so called failure I had ever suffered came to the forefront.  People who know me know that I don’t dwell in the place of self-pity so I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I had to deal with this sense of failure so I worked with my altar, I asked the Gods and Spirit for answers.  Frankly I asked every God I knew to give me insight into this feeling of failure, loss and grief.  The answers did not come immediately but over the last couple of week they did come… slowly but surely.

I’m living from a place of SCARCITY:

In my everyday lately, even though I have more than enough I act as if I am down to my last resources.  We all know that you reap what you sow and I have been sowing lack.  As I go through my day I look to what I don’t have instead of what I have in abundance.  I have never gone to bed hungry or slept outside (glamping excluded) or not had the means to care for myself and mine.  I have always had an innate trust in myself and the Universe that it would provide. I need to go back to that space of trust and innocence that all will be well.

I’m coming from a place of FEAR:

Fear is taking up a big part of my daily thought process.  I ask myself questions like: How will I survive when I get old? Will I be alone? Where will I live? How will I eat? I need a new car… What if I lose my job?  And so it carries on and on… the constant reminder of what I could lose.  Why am I living in the future and causing myself so much anxiety?  Surely I know that what I do today will be the foundation for what happens tomorrow… but do I really?  I did everything right and still I have very little to show for it.  Once again I have to center myself and ground.  Do these material things matter?  Yes they do but not as a validation of who I am.  I can own absolutely nothing but still find joy in the sparkle in my Grandchildren’s eyes, in my Son’s laughing and growing into wonderful men.  I have nothing to fear, the future will take care of itself I must take care of now and live only in the moment.

I have made my world SMALL:

I have put my life on hold.  I have confined myself to the four walls of my office.  Why… because I don’t want to lose what I have.  I can’t lose what I have it is already gone and that which has stayed is more than I can ever need plus I have the love of my family and friends.  Each day I lock myself up in this room I lose a piece of myself and my world gets smaller.  I have some deep decisions to make. I need to define my next incarnation.  I have started asking myself questions such as; what is important to me and what am I here to do?  I need to clear my path and make plans to walk it fully and with conviction.  I need to start dreaming…

As I work with all these feelings I have noticed a small voice and it is getting louder each day.  That young woman I once was and still am, the one that I silenced so that I could fit in, is making herself heard.  The young woman that wanted to see the world and experience life fully and that made choices to stay in one place as to not disappoint.  Her free spirit is growing and her voice is becoming a roar in my ears.

What is she saying?  You are FREE!  In the words of Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin immortalized “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose”.  I can never lose the love of the people who love me; that I know for a fact.  There is nothing else to lose expect my Soul if I continue to ignore the roar.  Therefore I will strike scarcity, fear and playing it small from my thoughts and I will breathe in breathe out… no fear no doubt.

There is a vast ocean of knowledge and experiences out there. I will start to investigate do my research and prepare.  The time is not 100% right… I know this instinctively but it is close…

Bent But Never Broken...

I have bent like a blade of grass in the wind.  When the storm is over I have pulled myself up and risen towards the sun.

I have been hurled against the rocks like the waves of a stormy ocean and I have always found a way to crawl back to dry land moments before drowning.

I have been blown like a grain of sand across the desert floor only to land back on my feet.

I have burned in the fire of my passion and burnt myself out to be resurrected like the Phoenix from the ashes.

I have stood grounded on the earth against the odds like a tree that found the smallest patch of earth to grow in.  I have sent my roots down until they cracked open the barren landscape and created my own destiny.

There have also been times when I have felt like a Lioness that lost too many battles and I just lay down a while to lick my wounds.  Gone quietly within and I have given myself permission to heal and to not let the world make me cold-hearted.  The scars I carry, I carry with pride because they remind me of my survival.

I have shouted at love and said never again!  I have laughed in the face of danger and taken the risk anyway knowing that the risk is worth it.  I have been foolish with my dreams and squandered opportunities but I have also nurtured some like fragile samplings and they have flourished.

Like the Wolf I have hunted my fears and slayed them one by one.  I have realized that it is important to see them for what they really are… an enemy that wishes to keep me small and in me place.

Yes, I have been tested by life.  I have survived many a storm and come out the other side with a few scars but I have always stood up again.

What I know is that the world can be a battlefield but it also holds much beauty because even though it can bash you up against the rocks it can also lift you up so you can ride the wave.  There is an abundance of love in a mothers gaze.  There is protection and warmth by a fathers side.  There is camaraderie in the support of siblings and friends. There is ecstasy in a lovers touch. There is pride and joy as your children succeed and grow.  There is innocence and the promise of tomorrow in a grandchild's eyes.  There is the wisdom of the ancestors as they guide you lovingly to where you have to be.  All these things are worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears you can muster.

I have fought my battles alone and tapped every ounce of my courage.  I vow to never surrender.  I will always stand and fight for what I desire, for my dreams for what I believe in and for those close to me because I know that I can never live my life on my knees…

So Be It!

Are we failing new Pagans?

I witnessed something last weekend that terrified me.  This may sound somewhat dramatic but I felt overwhelmed by the energy in the room.  I went to the psychic fair.  Mostly we had a wonderful time, I had a great palm and tarot reading by Johanna and I found a beautiful new leather bound book to record my own sacred text and Spells (Grimoire). 

We decided to go listen to one of the speakers.  The talk we wanted to hear was on Aura photography.  I know what an Aura is and I know the significance, how to clear and expand it but it is not my field of study so finding out about how it is photographed and read sounded fascinating.  Well, that’s when things went wrong…

The speaker spent all of three minutes on Aura’s and then launched into talking about curses and vows and that is a subject I know something about.   If that had been what I signed up for no problem but it was not.  The speaker asked the people in the room to stand up and renounce any vows and curses that they may have made in this lifetime and others.  Typically this would not be a problem if you have explained the consequences and had people had time to work through the karmic repercussions of such an act, but none were.  It was simply, stand up and repeat after me...  That was eye opening and in my opinion reckless.

Then the audience started asking questions and that is when I became horrified. Some of the questions revealed that people have been using magic and ancient ways without any concept of the consequences of their actions.  They are dabbling with energies that they don’t comprehend or respect.  One of the attendees spoke of how she had used a voodoo doll and now was wondering if she should just burn it in an effort to reverse what she had done.  There was no understanding of the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  People are just going onto the internet and downloading stuff and doing it!  It is like a Pagan Porn fest out there!

So I ask the Old Guard, those of us who have stood at the gateway to the unknown and studied our Craft intensively, what do we do?  How do we reach more people and help them understand Magic the Ancient Ways and the Old Goddesses and Gods?  How do we teach the Old Ways in such a way that people respect and revere it?   We have to find ways to reach people and teach them about the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  It is wonderful that people are waking up but we need them to wake up in the light.  So let’s get out there and teach, guide and lead.  It is for us to do…

Love & Light

Are the happiest people really those who do for others?

For me this a very interesting idea and for the most part I believe it is true… for the most part.  When we are doing for others we feel connected and that makes us feel good about ourselves.  I am all for that but I think there are circumstances where it could become a burden.

I have personally struggled with the concept of being of service.  I have spent many hours being of service to my Shamanic community.  The concept is that when you are of service that give-away will be returned to you three fold.  Well I don’t always feel that way when I am standing outside in minus 10 Celsius mid-winter and everything I touch is frozen. However I know that it is worth it because I also feel connected to that community and I know that I am an integral part of it.  The same goes for when I stand with the Salvation Army Kettle in December offering my time to help raise funds to support those less fortunate than myself.

I feel that this type of altruism truly makes you feel happy, connected and allow you to feel deep gratitude.  Volunteering for the greater good of your community makes you smile. However I believe there can be a dark side to giving.  There is a different expectation when you are supporting people you don’t know and it can be quite different when you are doing for people you do know.

So many people have spoken to me about being depleted by doing for others.  They have given their all only to be left feeling used and taken advantage of.  At times the consequences can be quite devastating.  So why is it not the same? 

I think that there are a couple of reasons it isn’t the same when you are doing for people you know:

Expectations:

Often our personal relationships are complicated and we could be acting out of guilt or an attempt to manipulate.  We also want to feel as if we are getting something in return and that the other person appreciates all we do for them.  When we are always giving without receiving something in return there is a good chance that we will end up feeling resentful and that doesn’t make you feel happy.

Boundaries:

With the people we love we often don’t have healthy boundaries and we don’t always know how to create them.  It is usual for us to do things for these people and when we either can’t or no longer want to we don’t know how to draw the lines so that we can support ourselves and not end up feeling depleted.  Saying “NO” to the people we love is difficult for many.  Feeling depleted in any way, whether it is energetically or financially is so bad for us that the consequences can have a negative impact on our health.  When we realize this and start to build healthy boundaries there is always push-back form the people who were benefiting from our generousness and we end up feeling disappointed and miserable.  

So, how are we able to give to those we love and still feel happy and not like a martyr? In my opinion it can be done in the following ways:

• Create healthy boundaries so that you are not depleting yourself.  Decide what you will and will not do.  Communicate these boundaries clearly and from a place of neutrality and then stand your ground!  No good setting boundaries and then not honouring them.  Mixed signals are the worst especially if you had to battle to set those boundaries.
• Care for yourself and your health.  It should be obvious but it is not.  You can only help people when you are healthy and strong.   Remember when you travel they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others – think about it.
• If you have expectations that have to be met by the other person – then don’t do it!  This is especially true if these are “unknown” expectations.  If you have not voiced what you need in return and want the other person to “magically” know – stop and look at your own motives.  Perhaps they are not as clear as you believe them to be.
• If you believe that the person you are doing something for will “owe” you something in return you should once again check you motives.  Are you trying to be manipulative?

The idea is not to discontinue giving but to do so with healthy boundaries and with known expectations so that everyone in the equation gets what they need, the feeling of being supported, appreciated and loved…

Love & Light!

Feeling Wronged...

Something interesting happened the other day.  I posted an article on my Facebook page and within minutes a person who isn’t on my friends list commented that I was ignorant, stupid and that I should check my facts.  To be honest, I can’t even remember what the post was about however I do remember the feelings his comment invoked.

The first was anger; not because he called me an ignorant person but because he was so stupid and couldn’t even see the truth of what I had posted.  I immediately thought this guy is obviously blinded by a closed mind and my view is so much more enlightened and superior.  Of course then there was pity… well not real pity more like condescension.  What a poor uneducated soul.

Then came the “how dare he!” It is my wall and he can’t come on my page and say whatever he wants. If he doesn’t like what he reads he should just scroll by as I do when I see something that I don’t agree with.  I don’t comment on other’s pages that they are idiots.  I might from time to time have a different opinion and I will comment but without the shaming.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion after all. If it turns into a spirited debate that’s good but you can’t have a debate with someone who already thinks you are a fool.

My instinct for action fueled by my anger was to tell him that he is the idiot and that his dumbass was stuck in the Dark Ages!  I started to type feverishly and then I stopped.  I took a couple of deep breaths and saw the whole interaction for what it was.  This guy had pressed my “Self-Righteous” button and I was allowing myself to be triggered and drawn in.  What a loss of energy!

I played out in my mind’s eye how it would go:

• I could make some snarky comment on his post
• Perhaps I could even post website links substantiating my point of view
• Other’s would jump on that to defend me or to shame me
• His friends would join in the fray and my page would become a place of name calling and vile

I realize was that he wasn’t there to have a healthy debate.  He had already shut down any path to dialog.  So I did what I should have done the first second I read it.  I remembered that it was my page and that I hold the power.  I deleted his post and carried on with my day…

Love & Light

Roots and New Growth...

Twenty years ago I let go of everything I knew and loved and took my first steps into a brave new world. In the next year I broke everything and started from scratch. I worked hard, adjusted my attitude and my aggression, funny how I never noticed how aggressive South Africans were until I left.  I learnt early on that I didn’t have to deal with as much misogyny in Canada so I could use a softer power and still achieve what I wanted.  However I was still seen as a tough no-nonsense person and I thought of myself as quite understanding and accepting and I wondered why people thought the opposite. It comes down to making people responsible including myself, I am a no blame no excuses kind of gal, own it and move on, solve the problem don’t just talk about it.

Needless to say I thrived in Canada. I had just the right amount of grit and my South African work ethic allowed me to achieve everything I dreamed of. Then I hit a snag… I didn’t really belong and I missed home with all my heart. My sons were becoming more Canadian by the day. They were forgetting where they came from. I was struggling with the language I had spoken all my life, Afrikaans was feeling halted and heavy on my tongue. I could see my future clearly – soon more people who meant the world to me would be living in Canada as my son’s married and had children. I felt trapped in a future I wasn’t ready for.  Seems I didn’t plan it out properly.

So in my typical grab the bull by the horns way I took everyone including the dog back to South Africa. It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t belong there either. My family had got on well without me and I had effectively handed over the eldest daughter position to my younger sister. I had no place anywhere, I was rudderless. It was impossible for me to find a footing and I wondered why it was that the land of my birth rejected me.   My boys didn’t settle and after two years of floundering about I did the only thing I could and moved back to Canada.  It was easier this time but I knew my fate was sealed. Still there is a deep hunger in my heart for my people and the land of my people I only hide it better now.

One of the results of this back and forth game, in hindsight, is that I needed to do the healing work I have been working with for the past ten years.  Not only has my whole life changed but I have become a different person.  I don’t see life the same way at all anymore and I have ended up exactly where I should be. All my ideas about what is important in life have shifted. Now it could be that this knowledge comes with age anyway but this feels deeper.  With my usual precision and ruthlessness I have cut away and broken free of my past and my Karma by finding new ways to deal with situations.  Still a work in progress but I am getting there.  I have learnt that wanting makes you unhappy but if you can dream big and act with sobriety you can manifest all your dreams.

I know that many South African’s reading this might say that I am one of the lucky ones and that I am out of the quagmire that has become the political and social scape of my home. And yes, I have to say that I am, but does that make me miss my home less? No it doesn’t. However as I am a different person now I am going to find a way to make the absolute best of what I have and find a way to meet and fulfill the needs of my Soul.  Not sure what that looks like yet, but I am working on it….

Love & Light

What's In My Blood....

The mystery of my ancestry has been on my mind for a long time.  I have been delving into my past and I have successfully traced my Fathers family tree back to the ancestor who immigrated to South Africa in 1694. My Mothers tree has not been that easy but I am not going to give up, I will continue to poke around.  Recently I had my DNA tested to see where I come from. The results were a mixture of "Yes I guessed that" and "Wow...really?" It has given me a deeper understanding of myself. 

As an Afrikaner I have always prided myself on the fact that I have no English blood, wrong… turns out I have quite a bit of ancestry from Great Britain.  Not Anglo-Saxon but rather Celts that stayed north of Hadrian’s Wall. To be expected – Western Europe, Nederland, Belgium and Germany is next and then Scandinavian and Eastern Europe.  The most surprising result is that there is 10% European Jewish, Ashkenazi ancestry.  So what did I find out – I am definitely of European decent!  Of course that is nothing new.

What I have uncovered is that I have expanded my view of who I am.  Basically I am a Celt because they were everywhere.  Now we think of Celts being in Scotland and Ireland but initially it was the whole area and they moved around a lot. Then of course the Vikings came and things shifted again.  I am exploring all of these pieces. I am researching their traditions, art and music and it is giving me a complete picture of myself.  I feel it also explains the unyielding spirit of my people.

It has been an interesting journey.  I think everyone should have their DNA tested it teaches you so much about yourself.   Another bonus, it adds so many new vacation destinations.

A more esoteric reason for doing this work is; if you believe in past lives then you are your own ancestor and I am searching back for a link to the past lives that have the strongest influence on this lifetime.  From the previous past life work I have done there are a number of lives that are impacting this one (in many of them I was an inhabitant of early Europe). Those deja vu moments of forgotten memories that stir when you do something you believe to be for the first time but it feels like it is not.   For me an example of this is that I decided to teach myself the Bodhran.  The day I picked it up I found I could play it – not with much finesse mind you – but I could play it.  Where did that come from?  Is it a memory from a past life?  Now I am working on honing this skill.

There is so much that lies hidden in our memories and in our blood… Is it time for you to explore yours?

So... Why Are You Not Happy?

You got it all and yet... So many people I meet are not happy with their lives even after they have everything they have ever wanted.  They have the house, the car, the bank account and the toys yet their lives feel empty.

I often hear celebrities talk about this phenomenon Lady Gaga, Josh Radnor, Russel Brand, Eric Clapton and Cameron Dias to name but a few.  They give speeches to full auditoriums about how fame and fortune never made them feel whole, appreciated or fulfilled.  The cynic in me immediately thinks “Yeah it is easy to say when you have a full bank account, but quite another if you are living paycheck to paycheck.” I also don’t want to go to the stereotype of half-naked little children dancing in the street to show us that having nothing makes you happy – it doesn’t, hunger isn’t funny and doesn’t make anyone happy.  Then I step back, because I know better. 

At this very moment of my life I own less than I have since my childhood.  I worked hard and remained focused on my goals all my life to get to the top of my game.  Then how am I here?  I felt that some things had no meaning and then I took some risks which didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped but I am through it and out the other side. And guess what? I am happy. Every day even the ones that are not so great I am still fundamentally happy. 

Saying that you are not happy once you have all the material things you wanted does not immediately make it true that you should live like a pauper and not have material wealth at all that’s nonsense. You have to have a stable Tonal (reality).  Your basic needs have to be met food, shelter, clothing and safety. However after that there comes a breaking point where the next new toy, better car, TV’s, phones, spending for spending sake, to get the latest and the greatest doesn’t improve your life but can actually disconnect you from yourself and others.

Society also pits us against each other way past healthy competition. We can hear this in the choice of our words to describe our environments be it at work or play. 

·        The gloves are off!

·         Let the games begin.

·         The Battleground.

·         The War Room… (Really?? It is a project people get your priorities straight.)

·         He who dies with the most toys wins!

·         Dog eat dog.

·         Survival of the fittest.

There are a number of reasons we believe that happiness is always something we have to search for. It is because we have started to believe what this consumerist world has told us since we were little sitting in front of the TV being actively marketed to.  That you need to have stuff to be happy!  What a load of crap!

What do we really need?  From my own experience we need (in no particular order):

·         Integrity and self-authority.

·         Courage to stand for what you believe in.

·         To accept reality, no projections or perceptions.

·         Being proud of who you are and your lineage.

·         Be in the present.  Have no attachment to the past or the future.

·         Be present in your life and engage. Doesn’t matter if it is “good or bad”.

·         Don’t worry.

·         Give up control.

·         To be in service of others, to give of ourselves and our time.

·         No self-pity or self-importance.

·         Gratitude.

·         To dream.

·         Strive to do well and better our lives.

·         Realizing we are all connected and related.

·         Caring for the earth and going into nature to fortify the soul.

·         Not needing someone else’s approval.

·         Taking responsibility for your life and your choices.

·         To take risks that make us feel alive.

·         Self-care and self-acceptance.

·         Learning something new.

·         Expanding your life force.

·         No judgment of yourselves and others.

·         Compassion even for those who we believe has harmed us.

·         Forgiveness for ourselves and others.

WOW! That is some list you might be thinking and you are right, it is but at the heart of everything on this list there is:

·         LOVE

The most important love is the one we have for ourselves.  We need to believe that we deserve to have happiness.  If you can go to sleep at night (even if it is alone) with gratitude and a clear conscious, no worries and a deep love and acceptance of yourself… then you can be truly happy.

Love & Light.

Empaths – what are you doing in my space?

I know, I just pissed a lot of people off but I think it is a question that begs asking.  I am worn out by the expressed self-pity of empaths.  What is an empath anyway?  The dictionary says: “A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.”

Really, did I give you permission to step into my circle and “feel” my mental or emotional state? I don’t think so!  Surely my thoughts, feelings and emotions are mine to feel and own and not to be randomly high jacked by another.  What really annoys me on top of it all is that the empath will then take my angst or fears as their own; take it on and wear it like a cloak, all the time bemoaning how horrid it is to feel other people’s stuff.  Well enough then – DON’T!  I have not given you permission in the first place!

Let’s get one thing straight, this is not a paranormal ability.  Every person I know has the ability to feel what another is feeling and feel empathy for another.  Some choose not to use their ability at all and remain quietly asleep. Others don’t give a damn and disregard everyone’s feelings but their own.  That doesn’t mean they can’t, they just don’t want to.  Perhaps sociopaths and psychopaths feel nothing at all – but they are not most people, then again one could argue that they feel everything and that it is exactly this ability that makes them such skilled manipulators.

Most people will feel empathy for others when faced with their sadness or grief, this is normal.  So what is the difference you ask?  The difference is that most people will not be so presumptive as to tell you that they can feel your feelings better than you can.

Empaths that can’t go to busy places with a lot of people, or the one crying in a crowd… you need to find a way to ground yourself.  Perhaps look at ways that you can protect yourself from the onslaught of other people’s feelings.  I know it must be very confusing and chaotic.  Do you feel it makes you special and different and is this feeling of "specialness" stopping you from holding your space? Is there a different way your gift can be applied where you don’t have to be crushed by all that is going on around you? If as you say it is such a burden to bear it might be time to find a way to tone it down.  There really is no need for you to absorb my feelings or anyone else’s.

Personally I feel deep empathy for people. Let me add that this has not always been so. It is only after my awakening and starting to heal that I have been able to open up enough.  As a person who works with people working on their personal growth it is a requirement.  However, I have their permission and it is in a safe controlled environment.  When I go out into the world, I go with an open heart but a protected Soul.  I keep my fibers to myself and don’t impose my luminosity, feelings or presence.  And I don’t want anyone doing that to me…

Love & Light

How Do Your Expectations Limit You?

Expectations can make you feel so amazing and excited for the future but it can also leave you feeling let down and disappointed.  Has that ever happened to you?

One of the things about expectations is that we get hooked on the idea, the bigger our imagination, the bigger the expectation.  People who dream really vividly and in full colour often set unrealistic expectations.  They are crushed when it doesn’t look like they expected. 

I remember this being something that I struggled with when I was younger.  As I grew older I realized that it is not always possible for everything to turn out the way you see it in your mind.  Be sure that I am not talking about visualizing a better future.  All I am referring to is the times we blow it out of proportion in our minds that reality can never match the expectation. 

The scary consequence is that we then decide not to take risks.  We don’t try anything new because we believe that it can never look as good as we see it in our minds eye.  Time and time again I have spoken to people who just stop trying because they have been disappointed to many times.  Their dreams are so full of colour that everything pales by comparison.  And therein rests the shame.

So how do we stop it?  How do we make sure that our expectations don’t leave us disappointed or that we stop chasing our dreams?  We measure our expectations against reality.  

Let’s take a simple example:

It is a special occasion, your partner’s birthday.  You have dinner plans or you are cooking your partners’ favourite meal.  To make it extra special you set the table, buy good wine and in your mind you are preparing for the perfect romantic evening.  You dress up, wear your best perfume.  Your partner arrives but he is agitated.  His day at work wasn’t anything like what he had hoped it would be.  Suddenly your beautiful planned evening starts slipping away.  This is not how you envisioned the evening playing out and you don’t know how to shift it back.  You get angry, anxious or pull away because everything is spoiled!  He / she spoiled it all!! Does that sound familiar?

The real truth is; YOU spoiled it.  You spoiled the evening by not being able to adjust your vision from dream to reality and what was happening in the space.  Imagine that you shifted your energy, opened that bottle of wine and listened to your partner allowing for him/her to unwind, or even go and have a shower or bath (and what about joining your partner in the bath)?  What if you had gone with the flow?  What if you had allowed for organic movement in the plans instead of trying to control every aspect of it?

Does it mean you lower your expectations?   On the contrary, keep your expectation high but be flexible, dance on your feet.  Go with the flow and enjoy the experience.  Don’t try to control everything including how your partner should react and be.  Plan for the best outcome but most of all – let go of your expectations.  Expectations limit you, put you in a box and make you believe that things can only look a certain way – and that my friend’s is simply not true!

Love & Light

What Are You Thinking?

Today I am speaking to you about something you already know. However knowing and practicing is two different things.

Your Thoughts Are Your Most Powerful Tool!

We all know that we need to watch out thoughts for they become our reality but many of us have problems with keeping our focus. With awareness I have found that I hear my thoughts clearly now, and sometimes they are still disturbing.  

Have you ever done something seemingly and innocently silly, like go to the bank when you know it is probably going to be busy, say a Friday afternoon at four o'clock?  Of course you have.  I did that just the other day. I became aware that I was berating myself in my mind for being stupid for going to the bank at that time.  I was literally lashing out at myself.   Whoa... what was that about?

In my case it goes back to that feeling that I am constantly under pressure to get things done fast and efficiently.  What a load of BS!  At some stage I even convinced myself that taking lunch was a waste of time and you can imagine what that has done to my self-care over the years. Even though I am so aware of the problem I still struggle daily with this pressure that I put on myself.  Yes - there is the crux of the matter, what I do to myself! 

Here are a few tips that I use to keep working at it:

Second Attention:  I am always aware of my thoughts by placing my second attention on them.

Listening to my body: I stop what I am doing as soon as I feel tension in my body because it means that I am starting to put pressure on myself.

Gentleness: I treat myself gently and remind myself all day that I just need to be present. There is no rush.

Patience: I must have patience. I built this backbreaking thought pattern and habit over many years and it can't be broken in one day.  

Compassion: I must have compassion for me when I don't get it right.  Healing is a process.

So, this year I will continue to break down and through this thought barrier.  I do everything with second attention on my thoughts.  I remind myself over and over in a day that what I am currently doing is important and that I have all the time in the world to complete it. 

The ultimate goal you ask?  To walk in beauty with neutrality, strength and an open heart...

Love & Light

The Matter of Self-Worth

Ahhh… self-worth!  Such a simple concept but so incredibly illusive it seems.  I have been working with the causes of lack of self-worth for a long time looking to uncover the mystery.  Of course it is easy to simply go back to our childhoods and place the blame squarely at our parent’s feet, but I don’t think it is that simple.  For one thing we always have to remember that they were doing the best they could with the tools they had.  Yes there are some who really did have shitty parents but when the chips are down even they were only doing what they knew, and remember that much of it is linage cycles that repeat themselves.

If we want to lay the blame at their feet we should look at it from our children’s perspective, should they be placing the blame of their own lack of self-worth at our door?  Don’t you feel in your heart of heart that you did the best you could?  Sure you might know better now, but that was then.

Here is what I know… everyone has a bout with lack of self-worth, no-one is spared.  It hides in the arrogance and egotistical self-importance of some and in the indulgent self-pity of others.  It is true that every single one of us will find something that will make us feel deficient.  It could be our peers at school or at the workplace.  There is bullying and abuse in the more extreme forms and also trauma.

So how do we get rid if these feelings of inadequacy?  I have seen great successes with the following steps but it does depend on if you are willing to really let go.

Heal the inner child.  Do some deep work and allow the inner child to let go of any trauma suffered as a child whether perceived or real. 

Take responsibility. Once you have healed the child you have to take responsibility for all the decisions you have made the good and the bad.  Own the good decisions and let the bad ones go. 

Forgive yourself.  Don’t hang onto your mistakes!  We all make them, always remember every choice we make is based on what we know at the time.  Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we wanted it to. Move on.

Erase personal history.  Don’t let your personal history stop you.  Fear is a show-stopper.  Don’t project that history will repeat itself.

Change your patterns. Becoming aware of your patterns aren’t enough, you have to change them.  Negative self-talk has to be nipped in the butt so that you can make the necessary changes to step into your power.

Know yourself. Know the situations and or people that trigger you.  Find new ways to deal with everyday challenges so that you do not revert back to your old habits.  When you stop lying to yourself about your situation or about who you are your whole universe starts to shift.  It takes courage but it is so worth it!

Last but not least… Believe in yourself! 

Love & Light

I am here...

As some of you might know I mangled my big toe about six weeks ago.  I opened a door right over it so badly that it required eight stitches.  I won’t share the actual event… too gruesome but I do want to share what I learnt from it.  It is completely healed now although it looks funny.

After the first week of dealing with the pain and general discomfort I sat down and asked myself how and why it happened.   How was I responsible for this accident?  I was astounded by what I found.

The first thing that came to mind is that I move at break neck speed!  On that day speed was completely unnecessary.  I had just had a wonderful lunch with my girlfriend there was no need to rush, after all I was only going home so why did I rip the door open with such force? 

Lesson 1:  Slow down!  I am not on fire!

The second thing I learnt was that I am not present.  I am always thinking of the next thing, task that needs to be done. I move from one thing to the next to get things done in the least possible time.  By not being present I miss much of the journey.

Lesson 2:  Be present!  I don’t have to be finished with a task before I have even started.  I need to enjoy the journey.

Self-care takes time is the third thing I learnt.  It can’t be hurried.  Every day I had to clean, wrap and care for my toe.  It required patience and I knew that it would take weeks for it to heal and I wanted to ensure that it healed with absolutely no complications. I was very aware of the risk of infection so I made my own saline solution and cared for it with great tenderness.

Lesson 3:  Be gentle!  Berating myself would not serve my healing process, I had to be gentle with myself giving my body all the time it needed to heal.

The fourth understanding was that I do everything with a sense of urgency as if my life depended on it.  My shoulders are tense; I hold my breath and my energy doesn't flow.  I waste a lot of energy.

Lesson 4: Relax!  Go with the flow and focus my energy in such a way that none of it is wasted.

Finally I learnt that to have true self-care you have to listen to your body.  I know we all say it but do we really?  I know I didn't.  I am very aware of every thought now.  I listen intently and I am starting to distinguish between the messages.  Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, in pain or stressed?

Lesson 5: Listen!  In order to have self-care you have to listen to your body.

And the bonus – I am a WORKAHOLIC!  As I cared for my toe and started to listen to my body I started to hear the nonsense my brain spews out.  I now notice how when I want to care for myself my brain tells me it is a waste of time. 

Making myself something to eat will take me away from my work and is therefore a waste time, is but one of the lies I tell myself.  It is clear that I don’t value my health if making myself something to eat is such a low priority.  I am making a concerted effort to change this thought process.  Awareness is half the battle, so now when I hear it I question my motives.  Is it really a waste of time? The answer always is; “NO IT ISN'T!”  

I am working with the root cause of this ridiculous idea.  I believe it comes from my years as a consultant where I preferred to work through lunch because I wanted to get done, get as many hours as possible and go home.  I remember getting upset with people when they wanted to take lunch – they were wasting my time… Can you believe it?  I never said anything to them though, I just felt frustrated.  Often I would not eat the whole day until I got home basically living on one cup of tea. 

Lesson 6:  Dream!  It is not all about getting things done.  Take time to eat healthy and well.  Get enough sleep.  

This is a work in progress… some days I win and some battles I lose but I am using all the tools in my kit to shift this and I will not give up!

In Beauty,

5 Behaviours That Will Destroy Your Dreams…. EVERYTIME!

Everyone has dreams and it is of no consequence how big those dreams are or how small.  How you approach your dreams either makes them become reality or remain a daydream.  There has to be steps taken for a dream to become reality.  Just waiting for the Universe to bless you will never work, let’s face it – even if you dream of winning the lottery – you still have to buy that ticket!  Of course providence and being in the right place at the right time also comes into play but usually it also means that some type of action was taken to place you in that space. 

Often we will put all our effort into something only for it to not work out.  This happens frequently, however it regularly turns out that something better is just around the corner out of sight.  When this happens you will usually hear “Wow that worked out for the best.”  

The five behaviours I am going to discuss are the ones we use consciously or subconsciously to block our dreams. 

1.  Not Taking Responsibility:

Stop blaming other people for your shit!  Your parents, siblings, husband, girlfriend, boss or co-workers are not responsible for your choices.  We all have histories and we have all made mistakes – so own yours.  You don’t have to take the blame for other peoples choices only your own.  Sometimes we react to circumstances and people in such a way that we sabotage ourselves, a “cut your nose to spite your face” scenario.  Inevitably we have some hand in the circumstances so we have to take a good hard look at our role and take responsibility without judgement of ourselves or others.  You will find that all the drama will evaporate when you deal with the facts leaving you open to heal your wounds.

2.  Not Taking Action:

Procrastination and laziness are dream serial killers.  Talking up a storm about how you are going to make something happen is never going to bring it to fruition, you have to take action!  An example might be that you want to eat better, so you go to the store and buy healthy choices and look for healthy recipes only to flop down on the couch and get take out.  The food rots away in the fridge to be thrown into the garbage.  Of course we have excuses – I was too tired, I had a tough day at work, the kids drove me mad – but none of these are really valid if we value ourselves and our dreams.  Stop allowing excuses and justifications to ruin your dreams, make a commitment to yourself and your dream and take action!

3.  Break From Reality:

Living in the past or in the future will kill your dreams every time.  When we dwell on the past our story is ever present.  Stories stir up emotion and confuse the brain.  We start to project the same outcome as we have had in the past and it forces us to hold onto patterns.  Living in the future is just as destructive it makes us believe that if circumstances would somehow change then we will be happy.  You can however be happy now just by seeing reality for what it is and being grateful for what you have.  Worry has never solved a single problem, only action does and if there is nothing that can be done then acceptance of your reality is all there is.  Upon acceptance you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, your emotions will calm down and your brain will clear opening the door to a new understanding of the problem and a new path to take.

4.  Having No Integrity:

What does integrity mean?  It means to have a quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.  It is a state of being whole and undivided.  Lies will stop dreams in their tracks.  The worst kind is the lies you tell yourself.  All the justifications that we have when we don’t act from a place of integrity cause negative energy around us, within ourselves and with others.  When your word can’t be trusted energy can’t move.  What we think and say is the driving force behind the energy we send out into the universe.  Lies cause chaos!   When we stop lying to ourselves and/or others, energy starts to flow and the universe starts to move in your favour.

5.  Self-Importance / Self-Pity:

Two sides of the same coin.  You can’t have self-pity without self-importance.  This is a difficult concept for most – I know I struggled with it for a while.   Self-importance makes us believe that rules don’t apply to us and that we are entitled.   It is that entitlement that blocks dreams because it makes us believe that we don’t have to put any effort in.  Think about what we call the “Entitled Generation” – they are so used to just getting what they want, often without deserving it that it becomes their nature.  If this behaviour is not rectified it can shift into narcissism and in extreme cases become a disorder.  To clarify I am not referring to self-esteem or self-worth – these two traits are essential to make dreams come true.

Self-pity on the other hand allows you to wallow in your misery.  It is a way to indulge in our inability to calm our emotions and break with our past.  It blocks our healing process and keeps us caught in all the situations where we believe we were the victim.  We remain victims of our past and our actions and attract negative energy and stagnation.   Often we find ourselves surrounded by negative people as a result.  When we believe that everything and everyone is against us we will not act because we are fear driven.  Dreams are not born from fear but from courage; courage to heal, to step into the unknown and to take up the challenge and move forward. 

How do you block your dreams?  Which of these behaviours do you practice, all or just some?  Do you fluctuate between self-pity and self-importance?  I believe these to be interesting questions.  If we can be truthful with ourselves we can get a glimpse of where we sabotage our dreams and take steps to rectify our thoughts and actions.  It is hard work but so worth it!

In Beauty