Twenty years ago I let go of everything I knew and loved and took my first steps into a brave new world. In the next year I broke everything and started from scratch. I worked hard, adjusted my attitude and my aggression, funny how I never noticed how aggressive South Africans were until I left. I learnt early on that I didn’t have to deal with as much misogyny in Canada so I could use a softer power and still achieve what I wanted. However I was still seen as a tough no-nonsense person and I thought of myself as quite understanding and accepting and I wondered why people thought the opposite. It comes down to making people responsible including myself, I am a no blame no excuses kind of gal, own it and move on, solve the problem don’t just talk about it.
Needless to say I thrived in Canada. I had just the right amount of grit and my South African work ethic allowed me to achieve everything I dreamed of. Then I hit a snag… I didn’t really belong and I missed home with all my heart. My sons were becoming more Canadian by the day. They were forgetting where they came from. I was struggling with the language I had spoken all my life, Afrikaans was feeling halted and heavy on my tongue. I could see my future clearly – soon more people who meant the world to me would be living in Canada as my son’s married and had children. I felt trapped in a future I wasn’t ready for. Seems I didn’t plan it out properly.
So in my typical grab the bull by the horns way I took everyone including the dog back to South Africa. It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t belong there either. My family had got on well without me and I had effectively handed over the eldest daughter position to my younger sister. I had no place anywhere, I was rudderless. It was impossible for me to find a footing and I wondered why it was that the land of my birth rejected me. My boys didn’t settle and after two years of floundering about I did the only thing I could and moved back to Canada. It was easier this time but I knew my fate was sealed. Still there is a deep hunger in my heart for my people and the land of my people I only hide it better now.
One of the results of this back and forth game, in hindsight, is that I needed to do the healing work I have been working with for the past ten years. Not only has my whole life changed but I have become a different person. I don’t see life the same way at all anymore and I have ended up exactly where I should be. All my ideas about what is important in life have shifted. Now it could be that this knowledge comes with age anyway but this feels deeper. With my usual precision and ruthlessness I have cut away and broken free of my past and my Karma by finding new ways to deal with situations. Still a work in progress but I am getting there. I have learnt that wanting makes you unhappy but if you can dream big and act with sobriety you can manifest all your dreams.
I know that many South African’s reading this might say that I am one of the lucky ones and that I am out of the quagmire that has become the political and social scape of my home. And yes, I have to say that I am, but does that make me miss my home less? No it doesn’t. However as I am a different person now I am going to find a way to make the absolute best of what I have and find a way to meet and fulfill the needs of my Soul. Not sure what that looks like yet, but I am working on it….
Love & Light