4 Truths about Healing no-one ever talks about…

Healing is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself however in the midst of the gift are a few hidden truths that you only start to discover once your path is set.

Not everyone cares:

We all feel that we should be supported by the people who love us as we start our journey towards healing.  The truth is though that most people who know you want you to stay the same.  Although hard to believe it is because they know your triggers and the patterns they run with you.  As you start to heal your past you change and that can be scary for some.  The usual patterns no longer apply and they will start to lose control over you.  Co-dependent relationships it will become harder to maintain and will become an issue for you and the other person.

You will lose friends:

Friends will starts to drift away as you change.  You will find more and more that you lose contact with old friends that don’t see the change in you as positive.  Additionally you will find that you don’t have the same things in common anymore.  As your vibration increases you will naturally let go of relationships that don’t serve you. There is a positive side here though, those who do support your change will stay and their vibrations will increase as well.

You will fail – many times:

There will be days where your one-point will shift, your emotions will rule as they did before and the “itty bitty shitty committee” in your mind will run wild.  However the good news here is that as you heal you will be able to return to a neutral state quicker.  Don’t get discouraged when you feel as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back, you are not truly, we continually come back to the things we thought we knew to gain a deeper understanding.  Also an unhealed pain or pattern will keep showing up in your life until it is healed.  The Universe gives us many opportunities to heal all the triggers and pain patterns we run in our lives.  Healing takes determination and strength of will.

Change is difficult:

Staying the same is so much easier than healing that it could be tempting to give up.  You already know everything about your life and changing takes you into the unknown.  The unknown is a place where nothing you do can be anticipated.  You don’t know how you will respond to anything and everyday will be a balancing act between the past, present and even the future as you start to speculate what the next test will be.  However we know that pain is a great motivator for moving forward as long as you move through the fear of what the unknown might look like.  The trick is to remain in the present and deal only with one thing at a time.  Baby steps…

Even though these truths seem challenging healing is still the best thing you can for yourself.  Imagine a life where you feel balanced and whole.  Imagine a life where remembering the past is painless and new challenges are dealt with courageously without causing blame or shame.   It is all worth it because in the end you get to SHINE….

Love & Light

Roots and New Growth...

Twenty years ago I let go of everything I knew and loved and took my first steps into a brave new world. In the next year I broke everything and started from scratch. I worked hard, adjusted my attitude and my aggression, funny how I never noticed how aggressive South Africans were until I left.  I learnt early on that I didn’t have to deal with as much misogyny in Canada so I could use a softer power and still achieve what I wanted.  However I was still seen as a tough no-nonsense person and I thought of myself as quite understanding and accepting and I wondered why people thought the opposite. It comes down to making people responsible including myself, I am a no blame no excuses kind of gal, own it and move on, solve the problem don’t just talk about it.

Needless to say I thrived in Canada. I had just the right amount of grit and my South African work ethic allowed me to achieve everything I dreamed of. Then I hit a snag… I didn’t really belong and I missed home with all my heart. My sons were becoming more Canadian by the day. They were forgetting where they came from. I was struggling with the language I had spoken all my life, Afrikaans was feeling halted and heavy on my tongue. I could see my future clearly – soon more people who meant the world to me would be living in Canada as my son’s married and had children. I felt trapped in a future I wasn’t ready for.  Seems I didn’t plan it out properly.

So in my typical grab the bull by the horns way I took everyone including the dog back to South Africa. It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t belong there either. My family had got on well without me and I had effectively handed over the eldest daughter position to my younger sister. I had no place anywhere, I was rudderless. It was impossible for me to find a footing and I wondered why it was that the land of my birth rejected me.   My boys didn’t settle and after two years of floundering about I did the only thing I could and moved back to Canada.  It was easier this time but I knew my fate was sealed. Still there is a deep hunger in my heart for my people and the land of my people I only hide it better now.

One of the results of this back and forth game, in hindsight, is that I needed to do the healing work I have been working with for the past ten years.  Not only has my whole life changed but I have become a different person.  I don’t see life the same way at all anymore and I have ended up exactly where I should be. All my ideas about what is important in life have shifted. Now it could be that this knowledge comes with age anyway but this feels deeper.  With my usual precision and ruthlessness I have cut away and broken free of my past and my Karma by finding new ways to deal with situations.  Still a work in progress but I am getting there.  I have learnt that wanting makes you unhappy but if you can dream big and act with sobriety you can manifest all your dreams.

I know that many South African’s reading this might say that I am one of the lucky ones and that I am out of the quagmire that has become the political and social scape of my home. And yes, I have to say that I am, but does that make me miss my home less? No it doesn’t. However as I am a different person now I am going to find a way to make the absolute best of what I have and find a way to meet and fulfill the needs of my Soul.  Not sure what that looks like yet, but I am working on it….

Love & Light

Ceremony ~ Good for the Soul.

Last year two years I missed the Ceremonial Weeklong and I didn’t think anything of it until I went to this year’s weeklong.  As soon as I stepped on the land I just knew it was time… time to clear, forgive and work on strengthening my connection to Spirit. 

This year I wasn’t there to only work on myself but rather to lead others in their ceremony and I felt honoured to do so.  It was such a journey to see people arriving feeling tired and torn apart by whatever they were struggling with, and then at the end of the week witness the transformation!

I did however find some time to do my own ceremony.  I made an Inner Circle of Law Shield based on my values and principles. First I had to find those values and principles and I spent most of one day outside being chased by the Sun (as I moved to stay in the shade) reflecting and asking questions in each of the directions on the wheel.  Once I had these I could make the shield.  As I am not the greatest artist in the world I decided to use symbols to represent my Inner Circle.  Boy was I nervous when I had to make that first mark on the leather! I bound thin branches together for the frame.  I love the end result and it will hang on my wall.  This shield is a reminder of my values and principles and looking at it makes me determined to uphold them, especially when I can feel myself slipping into my “little ego” and fear.

Healing is one of the most difficult and at the same time most fulfilling things you can do.  It takes enormous courage, as the first step is to step away from fear and the patterns it keeps you in.  It is customary for the people we support during the weeklong to give us something in return.  We call it a “Heart Gift” and it can be anything.  I want to share the heart gift one of the young men I supported gave me.  He and I had our moments and some strong words were spoken because I would not let him slip into self-pity or sabotage himself.  He was there to heal and on my watch I wasn’t going leave him unchallenged!

This poem he wrote for me… it is his gift:

Gaze of the Ancients

Joy like a Child

Fierce, Independent

Mother o’ the Wild

Silver in Shadow

A Lunar Cocoon

Wolf Call o’ Wisdom

Light of the Moon

Written by: J

What Are You Thinking?

Today I am speaking to you about something you already know. However knowing and practicing is two different things.

Your Thoughts Are Your Most Powerful Tool!

We all know that we need to watch out thoughts for they become our reality but many of us have problems with keeping our focus. With awareness I have found that I hear my thoughts clearly now, and sometimes they are still disturbing.  

Have you ever done something seemingly and innocently silly, like go to the bank when you know it is probably going to be busy, say a Friday afternoon at four o'clock?  Of course you have.  I did that just the other day. I became aware that I was berating myself in my mind for being stupid for going to the bank at that time.  I was literally lashing out at myself.   Whoa... what was that about?

In my case it goes back to that feeling that I am constantly under pressure to get things done fast and efficiently.  What a load of BS!  At some stage I even convinced myself that taking lunch was a waste of time and you can imagine what that has done to my self-care over the years. Even though I am so aware of the problem I still struggle daily with this pressure that I put on myself.  Yes - there is the crux of the matter, what I do to myself! 

Here are a few tips that I use to keep working at it:

Second Attention:  I am always aware of my thoughts by placing my second attention on them.

Listening to my body: I stop what I am doing as soon as I feel tension in my body because it means that I am starting to put pressure on myself.

Gentleness: I treat myself gently and remind myself all day that I just need to be present. There is no rush.

Patience: I must have patience. I built this backbreaking thought pattern and habit over many years and it can't be broken in one day.  

Compassion: I must have compassion for me when I don't get it right.  Healing is a process.

So, this year I will continue to break down and through this thought barrier.  I do everything with second attention on my thoughts.  I remind myself over and over in a day that what I am currently doing is important and that I have all the time in the world to complete it. 

The ultimate goal you ask?  To walk in beauty with neutrality, strength and an open heart...

Love & Light

Integrity

Integrity… for me there is hardly a more powerful word in the English language.  It holds so much power and hope; however it seems sadly lacking in this world.  I have been watching how the world conducts itself, from world leaders, business moguls, celebrities to the average citizen and I have to confess I don’t like what I see most of the time. 

Keeping in mind that we are all human and make mistakes it does seem that there are many that act out every impulse without any thought of the consequences.  I feel they do what they want and as long as they don’t get caught.  It is when they get caught that they really sicken me.  When did apologizing make everything okay?  They stand there looking dejected, some even with tears in their eyes as they plead with us to forgive them.  Why I ask myself did they do it in the first place?  Sure we all make bad judgement calls from time to time… but come on, you can at least own it and take responsibility for it.

There are so many examples in the public world but I see it in my daily life around me, normal people who lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want, when they want it.  They say money is the root of all evil, that isn't true – people are, when their actions to enrich themselves are at the expense of others.

How do you know if you are acting without integrity?  I have searched for the tell-tale signs in my own life.  I have found them very helpful in testing my own integrity as well as others.

1.  It is all about you – your needs come first no matter what! 
2. Your self-esteem is dependent on what others think of you – you say and do anything to remain liked and keep up a front.  You do whatever is needed to stay “in”.
3. You keep secrets – hiding the truth or outright lying to keep up your façade.
4. Your word is not your bond – you break promises.
5. You give in – not standing strong for your principles.

I personally struggle with the last one.  Sometimes I will give in in order to avoid a confrontation.  Every time I don’t speak my truth I am breaking my integrity.  I tell myself that I am picking my battles, but am I really?  Might it just be easier to go with the flow?  I guess I am going to have to sit with that for a while…

Love & Light

5 Behaviours That Will Destroy Your Dreams…. EVERYTIME!

Everyone has dreams and it is of no consequence how big those dreams are or how small.  How you approach your dreams either makes them become reality or remain a daydream.  There has to be steps taken for a dream to become reality.  Just waiting for the Universe to bless you will never work, let’s face it – even if you dream of winning the lottery – you still have to buy that ticket!  Of course providence and being in the right place at the right time also comes into play but usually it also means that some type of action was taken to place you in that space. 

Often we will put all our effort into something only for it to not work out.  This happens frequently, however it regularly turns out that something better is just around the corner out of sight.  When this happens you will usually hear “Wow that worked out for the best.”  

The five behaviours I am going to discuss are the ones we use consciously or subconsciously to block our dreams. 

1.  Not Taking Responsibility:

Stop blaming other people for your shit!  Your parents, siblings, husband, girlfriend, boss or co-workers are not responsible for your choices.  We all have histories and we have all made mistakes – so own yours.  You don’t have to take the blame for other peoples choices only your own.  Sometimes we react to circumstances and people in such a way that we sabotage ourselves, a “cut your nose to spite your face” scenario.  Inevitably we have some hand in the circumstances so we have to take a good hard look at our role and take responsibility without judgement of ourselves or others.  You will find that all the drama will evaporate when you deal with the facts leaving you open to heal your wounds.

2.  Not Taking Action:

Procrastination and laziness are dream serial killers.  Talking up a storm about how you are going to make something happen is never going to bring it to fruition, you have to take action!  An example might be that you want to eat better, so you go to the store and buy healthy choices and look for healthy recipes only to flop down on the couch and get take out.  The food rots away in the fridge to be thrown into the garbage.  Of course we have excuses – I was too tired, I had a tough day at work, the kids drove me mad – but none of these are really valid if we value ourselves and our dreams.  Stop allowing excuses and justifications to ruin your dreams, make a commitment to yourself and your dream and take action!

3.  Break From Reality:

Living in the past or in the future will kill your dreams every time.  When we dwell on the past our story is ever present.  Stories stir up emotion and confuse the brain.  We start to project the same outcome as we have had in the past and it forces us to hold onto patterns.  Living in the future is just as destructive it makes us believe that if circumstances would somehow change then we will be happy.  You can however be happy now just by seeing reality for what it is and being grateful for what you have.  Worry has never solved a single problem, only action does and if there is nothing that can be done then acceptance of your reality is all there is.  Upon acceptance you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, your emotions will calm down and your brain will clear opening the door to a new understanding of the problem and a new path to take.

4.  Having No Integrity:

What does integrity mean?  It means to have a quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.  It is a state of being whole and undivided.  Lies will stop dreams in their tracks.  The worst kind is the lies you tell yourself.  All the justifications that we have when we don’t act from a place of integrity cause negative energy around us, within ourselves and with others.  When your word can’t be trusted energy can’t move.  What we think and say is the driving force behind the energy we send out into the universe.  Lies cause chaos!   When we stop lying to ourselves and/or others, energy starts to flow and the universe starts to move in your favour.

5.  Self-Importance / Self-Pity:

Two sides of the same coin.  You can’t have self-pity without self-importance.  This is a difficult concept for most – I know I struggled with it for a while.   Self-importance makes us believe that rules don’t apply to us and that we are entitled.   It is that entitlement that blocks dreams because it makes us believe that we don’t have to put any effort in.  Think about what we call the “Entitled Generation” – they are so used to just getting what they want, often without deserving it that it becomes their nature.  If this behaviour is not rectified it can shift into narcissism and in extreme cases become a disorder.  To clarify I am not referring to self-esteem or self-worth – these two traits are essential to make dreams come true.

Self-pity on the other hand allows you to wallow in your misery.  It is a way to indulge in our inability to calm our emotions and break with our past.  It blocks our healing process and keeps us caught in all the situations where we believe we were the victim.  We remain victims of our past and our actions and attract negative energy and stagnation.   Often we find ourselves surrounded by negative people as a result.  When we believe that everything and everyone is against us we will not act because we are fear driven.  Dreams are not born from fear but from courage; courage to heal, to step into the unknown and to take up the challenge and move forward. 

How do you block your dreams?  Which of these behaviours do you practice, all or just some?  Do you fluctuate between self-pity and self-importance?  I believe these to be interesting questions.  If we can be truthful with ourselves we can get a glimpse of where we sabotage our dreams and take steps to rectify our thoughts and actions.  It is hard work but so worth it!

In Beauty

Broken Relationships...

Broken relationships - we all have our fair share.  The profoundly emotional Youtube video of Artist Marina Abramovic and Ulay seeing each other for the first time in years had me thinking about my own relationships that broke along the twists and turns of this journey I call my life.  With most I am glad to say I have been able to maintain a friendship but in some cases it could never make sense.  Some I got over quickly while others took time to heal.  

So many of my clients keep getting drawn back into the past and are unable to heal the wounded spirit.   Let’s face it, ending a relationship is one of the most uncomfortable things we need to do in our lives, and we have all had to do so at some time.  How we negotiate our discomfort will inevitably plot the course for both our and the other persons healing.  This led to me considering the reasons we hang on to the memories of these broken relationships and here are but a few. 

There isn't closure.

Many people are not capable of ending a relationship neutrally. We don’t want to deal with the other person’s anger and pain so we often take the easy way out.   In this day and age it is common for someone to end a relationship via text or e-mail.  They may think they are “sparing” the other person but actually they are really only protecting themselves.  When a relationship has fallen apart and we are unable to find closure in what has happened it will often stay with us.  We will dwell on the things we should have said or the things that we need to say and are unable to say.  This is especially true if you are “ghosting” the other person by not responding to their request to formally put the relationship out of its misery.

It is sudden.

Most of us know when a relationship is on a slippery slope to nowhere, even if we don’t want to believe it to be true.  We all know of that one person that was blindsided.  Where the other person walks in one day and says “It’s over” packs their bags and leaves.  Many times it is a marriage of many years and the person left behind feels their whole life spinning out of control.  Sudden death has the same impact but the healing steps are clear because there is nothing that can be done about it.

There is bitterness.

If the split was not amicable there is often a lot of bitterness and anger on both sides of the relationship.  Where children are involved they tend to be the only ones that suffer as their parents fight.  The relationship is long over and everyone involved would be better off to just let it go and move on.  However getting rid of that anger and hate locks you into your story and past.  Which in turn is then played out in any future relationship until you say “That’s enough; my story no longer defines me!”

Yet this video makes me wonder how it would be to have one minute of deep spiritual and emotional re-connection as these two people did.  Where for one moment we can see each other as we first did the day we fell in love.  I speculate whether it would open up old wounds or if it would bring true healing.

Our ONLY purpose for choosing to become physical beings is to LOVE.  That is the greatest challenge of all for in order to do so we have to be willing to be vulnerable and live with an open heart that can be broken.  It means we can’t put up walls and lock people out.  To love others as we love ourselves even our enemies.  How can we accomplish this enormous task?   By being present today with gratitude for all that we have, every experience and the beauty of our Souls…

Change...

Change is something we all fear yet it is all around us every day.  We only have to look to nature to see that it is constant.  The seasons go about their business quietly and calmly. 

Observe a tree for one year… Every cycle it gives up everything it has and goes inside itself.  It appears to be dead during the cold months of winter, there are no stirrings of life.   Then spring hits and the sap begins to flow unseen by the naked eye however if you lay your hand on the tree you can sense a quickening.  Before you know it the green buds appear and as if overnight the tree is in full bloom with flowers and leaves.  Then the summer stage with the fruit of its growth and labour with the final stage the slow decay as it once again goes within.

Our lives mirror this cycle.  There are times when we are at the top of the world and others when we feel as if the Universe has turned against us.  The interesting thing is that this is a cycle but it may not be recognizable.  With awareness of the twenty seven year Karmic wheel you will see how your life organically changes as you move through this wheel.

What is important here is to realize how you engaged in your life in each of these areas.  As an example if you didn’t heal unresolved issues in the completion of your fist Karmic walk at age 27 then you could have dragged that with you into the next cycle.  Or if between the ages of 15-18 you became unprincipled and ungoverned you could have built up a lot of patterns that require healing and so forth.  When studying this wheel you slowly start to realize where you might have created maladaptive patterns in order to deal with the traumas of your life.

If I pay attention to where I am right now, in my 3^rd Karmic cycle I am once again calibrating my Life Force.   I made the tough decisions in my final year, healed what I believed needed to be healed and now it is time to regroup.  However I am regrouping with a purpose and refuse to fall into self-pity because things have not gone my way, also staying clear of self-importance by not blaming anyone else and taking responsibility for my own choices. 

Sure change is tough but it happens every day, either in small measure or overwhelming.  We can’t fight it and sometimes the harder we hang on, the more misery we visit upon ourselves.  The best we can do is negotiate change with a positive attitude, healing and hope…

Love & Light

Staying Connected...

I had a wonderful time in Hawaii.  As predicted I was feeling healed by the time I left.  When I reflect back on the experience I remember that the day I arrived I was talking fast and completely wrapped up in my story of work and all the balls I am juggling every day.  One of the Sisters looked at me and said “BREATHE”.  I heard her but I stopped only for a split second to take a breath and continue my story of how tough things have been.  It was as if words were tumbling from my mouth without any control and my mind was racing a mile a minute.

After the first night I was feeling a little better.  My energy settled down and I started to speak slower with more thought.  Slowly I started to unwind and let go of all those things that fill my mind with confusion and doubt.  As the week progressed things became clearer and I was able to feel what was actually going on in my life rather than my perception of it.  I learned that I still have an issue with attachment and justification, something that I am now actively addressing…daily.  Any of my clients reading this will have a small smile right now because they know how much effort it takes to be aware and take action every time you are triggered and not to act out in your pattern.  My healing like everyone else’s is a journey.  

I digress, but the end of the week I was calm, grounded, centered and feeling strong, standing in my power soaking up the sun and heat, eating well and sleeping even better.  Then the week was over and I was on my way home….

I was so determined to hang onto this wonderful feeling of being grounded and balanced that I promised myself that I would put forward a strong intent to hold it but life happens.  Our flight was delayed by two and a half hours, still I was good…” it is what it is” I said to myself and held my ground.  For a week and two days I held it, nothing shook my ability to stay centered not even the unrelenting cold that never seemed to lift.  Then real challenges were thrown at me and my center shifted.  Lucky for me I was able to bring it back, so all is not lost and I am speaking clearly with the people who are pushing my buttons. 

It did make me question the sense of sanctuary a spiritual retreat gives you.  It is easy to be one with yourself and others when you are secluded and not really engaged in the day to day realism of your life.  By definition isn't that exactly what retreat means, to withdraw or hideaway?  It takes a lot more will to stay engaged and balanced when you are dealing with everyday chaos and the people who drive you crazy.  I won't  give up, I'll keep at it!

Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the opportunity to go on the retreat, without it I think I would be a bumbling idiot or a raging maniac by the time spring arrives.  The trick is going to be in staying in a state of grace….

Love & Light

Transcending Ego

Transcending Ego – this statement has given me much food for thought.  It is held as a beacon as something to aspire to but what does it really mean?  In order to understand it you have to go back to what the word Ego really means.  There are a few definitions:

1.    A person’s sense of self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, self-image
2.  Psychoanalysis - The part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
3. Philosophy – A conscious thinking subject

Does that mean that without an Ego we would have no sense of self?  If I transcend my ego what happens to my sense of self?  Do I become self-less and is that even possible?  The definition of Selflessness is:

•  Having little or no concern for oneself. 

In my way of thinking that doesn't sound healthy from a day to day perspective.  Of course if one was acting selflessly in a moment of danger, then it means something else altogether.

I believe my Ego is where the development of my multiple processes, cognitive function, defenses, and interpersonal skills emerged.  It has shaped me in many ways.  Then how do I transcend it and why would I want to?  To kill off the ego would make me psychotic… not a Sage.

Human beings all have ego and this is not a bad thing. We are designed to want instant gratification and without our ego’s we would act of every desire and whim good or bad.  Just think of a baby and how it reacts and interacts with its world.  It wants its needs seen to immediately – should you make it wait, then the baby will cry incessantly until the needs are met.  Our Ego’s help us determine what is good for us and shapes our reality.  It is when this ego is out of balance that we have a problem.

The unfortunate thing about our egos is that it often “lies” to us.  It deploys a defense mechanism in order to help us cope with the reality we create.  This is especially true when we are making choices that are in conflict with social norms, our own personal morals or taboos.  The defense mechanisms come in many forms such as, denial, displacement, intellectualisation, fantasy, compensation, projection, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, and sublimation.  Our fear also resides in this place of ego and if our ego feels that we are putting ourselves in harm’s way it will stop us in our tracks.  That little voice that says:  No;  You can’t;  You’ll fail if you try… it resides there in the basic instinct of our Ego’s.    

In my practice I have seen many people who have employed one, many or all of the defense mechanisms because of Fear and the greatest fear is one of change.  The biggest problem is that they then make the decision to squash the ego and not act at all becoming immobilized by their fear.  They start feeling stuck.  The Ego must be heard for the individual to move forward and ignoring it just makes everything worse.  This does not have to be “transcendence” but rather finding a way to put it at ease.

One of the techniques I teach is an ancient Hawaiian Ritual called Ho’oponopono.  It comes in four parts; I love you, I am sorry, I thank you, I forgive you, ending with I love you.  This ritual allows you to clear the ego and allow it to feel heard instead of suppressed.  It allows you to find the courage to make the change you need to and step outside your comfort-zone. 

Keep in mind that Egotism is something completely different.  This is a place of self-importance, entitlement and arrogance.  I feel that people often confuse Egotism with Ego and that it has become one and the same in people’s minds.   When you are acting out of self-interest and narcissism and only thinking of how things affect you with no concern for others then you have another issue altogether.  In Shamanism we know that Self-Pity is the other side of the coin of Self-Importance.  That makes sense really; you have to have an inflated sense of self to feel sorry for yourself.

As for transcendence of the ego, I am still working on it.  What is transcending ego really mean you ask? It is to have knowledge of your True-Self and realizing your true nature.  There are times when I feel that I have connected with my higher self and that I no longer hold the view of myself as limited but rather as limitless.  I aspire to connect to my true self, the one that has no boundaries and engage in my life more fully, with a deeper connection to Spirit using the Self and Co-creation to accomplish my goals.  It is a strenuous task at times with all the external noise that we have in our lives but when it happens it is joyous and nothing short of a miracle…