The other day I had to go drop my son off in my old neighbourhood to pick up his car. I drove by my old house. Suddenly I was struck by a deep sense of sadness and loss. I thought I had dealt with the grief of losing so much so I found it surprising that I should have such a visceral reaction to seeing my old home. Then it hit me… the sense of failure that is connected to that loss. I felt that everything I had worked for over the last decades of my life was squandered and I had no-one but myself to blame.
Unconsciously every so called failure I had ever suffered came to the forefront. People who know me know that I don’t dwell in the place of self-pity so I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I had to deal with this sense of failure so I worked with my altar, I asked the Gods and Spirit for answers. Frankly I asked every God I knew to give me insight into this feeling of failure, loss and grief. The answers did not come immediately but over the last couple of week they did come… slowly but surely.
I’m living from a place of SCARCITY:
In my everyday lately, even though I have more than enough I act as if I am down to my last resources. We all know that you reap what you sow and I have been sowing lack. As I go through my day I look to what I don’t have instead of what I have in abundance. I have never gone to bed hungry or slept outside (glamping excluded) or not had the means to care for myself and mine. I have always had an innate trust in myself and the Universe that it would provide. I need to go back to that space of trust and innocence that all will be well.
I’m coming from a place of FEAR:
Fear is taking up a big part of my daily thought process. I ask myself questions like: How will I survive when I get old? Will I be alone? Where will I live? How will I eat? I need a new car… What if I lose my job? And so it carries on and on… the constant reminder of what I could lose. Why am I living in the future and causing myself so much anxiety? Surely I know that what I do today will be the foundation for what happens tomorrow… but do I really? I did everything right and still I have very little to show for it. Once again I have to center myself and ground. Do these material things matter? Yes they do but not as a validation of who I am. I can own absolutely nothing but still find joy in the sparkle in my Grandchildren’s eyes, in my Son’s laughing and growing into wonderful men. I have nothing to fear, the future will take care of itself I must take care of now and live only in the moment.
I have made my world SMALL:
I have put my life on hold. I have confined myself to the four walls of my office. Why… because I don’t want to lose what I have. I can’t lose what I have it is already gone and that which has stayed is more than I can ever need plus I have the love of my family and friends. Each day I lock myself up in this room I lose a piece of myself and my world gets smaller. I have some deep decisions to make. I need to define my next incarnation. I have started asking myself questions such as; what is important to me and what am I here to do? I need to clear my path and make plans to walk it fully and with conviction. I need to start dreaming…
As I work with all these feelings I have noticed a small voice and it is getting louder each day. That young woman I once was and still am, the one that I silenced so that I could fit in, is making herself heard. The young woman that wanted to see the world and experience life fully and that made choices to stay in one place as to not disappoint. Her free spirit is growing and her voice is becoming a roar in my ears.
What is she saying? You are FREE! In the words of Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin immortalized “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose”. I can never lose the love of the people who love me; that I know for a fact. There is nothing else to lose expect my Soul if I continue to ignore the roar. Therefore I will strike scarcity, fear and playing it small from my thoughts and I will breathe in breathe out… no fear no doubt.
There is a vast ocean of knowledge and experiences out there. I will start to investigate do my research and prepare. The time is not 100% right… I know this instinctively but it is close…