Ever feel you’re Just Not Good Enough?

I am currently studying addiction and how Shamanism can support Addicts to wellness.  During the course we re-visited a particular teaching that really touched me the first time I heard it when I started my Shamanic journey.  I would like to share these with you so that next time you feel unworthy you can recall the beliefs and perhaps change your perspective.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that we all feel unworthy at times.  This feeling stems mostly from our childhood when we experienced a loss of innocence.  Loss of innocence comes in many forms.   An example could be that you are the apple of your parent’s eye and you can do nothing wrong.  Then you start school and perhaps you don’t do very well and for the first time ever your parents show their displeasure.  That simple act of telling you that you didn’t meet their expectations could be the catalyst for some of these core beliefs.

I want to add that there is NO BLAME to be placed on loved ones.  This blog is not about awakening the story of how you were not supported or loved.  It is simply to identify where some of these feelings may stem from and your story begins.  Remember that your parents did the best they could with the tools available to them.   We may not be the ones who initiated the trauma but all our experiences are what we signed up for in the evolution of our Spirit and it is our responsibility to heal it.

Core Belief #1:  I am basically a bad and unworthy person:

Cast your mind back to the first time someone scolded you and told you “You are a bad child”.  Can you recall that feeling?  They may even have added “Go to your room” or “Get out of my sight”.  Many times from our perspective we were not necessarily being “bad” but rather learning and experimenting.  That was your first encounter with conditional love.  There is usually two reactions to this trauma, you act out and become “bad” or you do everything in your power to become worthy of the others love. 

Loss of innocence

Core Belief #2:  No-one would or could love me as I really am:

It becomes clear to us that we are bad and unworthy so we armour and start to wear masks in order to project what we want others to see.  We even have different masks for different people like a chameleon forever matching the colour of the person we are engaging with.  Depending on our personalities we might start telling stories to make ourselves important.   The other side of the coin is self-pity where our story becomes who we are and we tell it to all that will listen in order to feel acknowledged. 

Loss of authenticity

Core Belief #3:  My needs will never be met by others:

As we grow we start to realize that we can’t depend on anyone but ourselves.  We all have experiences where we trusted someone only to be disappointed.  The hurt that strikes the deepest are those around our romantic relationships.  We start to believe that people will always let us down or betray us.  Often we will isolate ourselves.  Sometimes we will create “tests” for people to see if they will abandon us if we push them hard enough, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It becomes a rinse and repeat cycle where our past continually influences our future.

Loss of trust

Core Belief #4: My Addiction is all I need:
Feeding your addiction becomes your most important need to be met.  This doesn't always mean  drugs.  It could even be things that would under normal circumstances be good for us i.e. exercise or food.  As the trigger hits so I need to feed myself with that which makes me feel better.  The stimulant removes the feeling of being worthless temporarily so I continue to return to it.
Loss of connection to Spirit

Core Belief #5:  Sex=Love=Pain

As a Human the greatest gift that we have to offer is Love.  Yet everything in our human experience feels as if that is the one thing we can’t find.  When all these beliefs come together we believe in our core that we are unlovable and worse still that we don’t deserve love.  When we fall in love something triggers the feeling that we will be punished for loving and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.   We hold back or shut down and do everything in our power to avoid feeling.  Better to feel numb or be callous than to be vulnerable.

Loss of Love

With Shamanism these core beliefs are dismantled and re-written.  You heal every trauma and story until you are finally able to find your way back to Self-Love.  Once you realize that your ability to love yourself heals all these core beliefs you can step back into innocence, authenticity, trust and LOVE... 

Love & Light

2018, Exit Stage Left...

For some of us it is good riddance!  Yes I know, for many of us 2018 was a rough year.  2018 seemed more chaotic than usual and nothing worked out the way we planned… or very little anyway.  I would like to just speak to 2018 and it’s energy one last time so bear with me.

We saw the #metoo and other feminist movements and agenda’s being brought to the forefront in 2018.  So much so that we could be lead to believe that 2018 was about healing the Feminine but that could not be further from the truth.  We saw prominent men brought to their knees last year.  We saw other men reaching out and speaking across the divide that separates the feminine and the masculine. 

2018 was the beginning of the shift of the Masculine Collective.  The old masculine paradigm is an energy that is no longer Universally tolerated.  As with any shift there is pain but only if we hang onto the old ways.  The men who were brought down were the pillars that held up the old paradigm and one by one they have been falling and will continue into 2019 but with more subtlety.

The unfortunate thing is that many people only saw the “angry Feminine” as the face of the year but these women were the catalysts for the Masculine shift.   Without their action the outdated masculine would continue to prevail.  It was about balancing the “me” and “we”.

Armed with this information reflect on your own 2018.  How were you able to bridge the gap in your own relationships with the opposite sex?  I know that there were shifts with my relationships with my sons mostly due to the fact that they softened.  The shift however was not without chaos and conflict in the first part of the year as I set boundaries and they pushed back.  As the year continued and ego’s, mine and theirs, let go of how we thought it should be and healed rifts I saw a gentle shift towards a deeper understanding. 

For men who were not ready 2018 was tough, they broke relationships and stepped away from their healing process.  I witnessed a lot of fear response to letting go of the past, although thankfully there was a return to stepping into the new Masculine energy for many, but only after the December Solstice and full Moon which was the ultimate and final shift of the year.

So here we are with 2019 wide open in front of us.  What will it hold and where are we heading as a collective consciousness?  Only time will tell…

Love & Light!

Bent But Never Broken...

I have bent like a blade of grass in the wind.  When the storm is over I have pulled myself up and risen towards the sun.

I have been hurled against the rocks like the waves of a stormy ocean and I have always found a way to crawl back to dry land moments before drowning.

I have been blown like a grain of sand across the desert floor only to land back on my feet.

I have burned in the fire of my passion and burnt myself out to be resurrected like the Phoenix from the ashes.

I have stood grounded on the earth against the odds like a tree that found the smallest patch of earth to grow in.  I have sent my roots down until they cracked open the barren landscape and created my own destiny.

There have also been times when I have felt like a Lioness that lost too many battles and I just lay down a while to lick my wounds.  Gone quietly within and I have given myself permission to heal and to not let the world make me cold-hearted.  The scars I carry, I carry with pride because they remind me of my survival.

I have shouted at love and said never again!  I have laughed in the face of danger and taken the risk anyway knowing that the risk is worth it.  I have been foolish with my dreams and squandered opportunities but I have also nurtured some like fragile samplings and they have flourished.

Like the Wolf I have hunted my fears and slayed them one by one.  I have realized that it is important to see them for what they really are… an enemy that wishes to keep me small and in me place.

Yes, I have been tested by life.  I have survived many a storm and come out the other side with a few scars but I have always stood up again.

What I know is that the world can be a battlefield but it also holds much beauty because even though it can bash you up against the rocks it can also lift you up so you can ride the wave.  There is an abundance of love in a mothers gaze.  There is protection and warmth by a fathers side.  There is camaraderie in the support of siblings and friends. There is ecstasy in a lovers touch. There is pride and joy as your children succeed and grow.  There is innocence and the promise of tomorrow in a grandchild's eyes.  There is the wisdom of the ancestors as they guide you lovingly to where you have to be.  All these things are worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears you can muster.

I have fought my battles alone and tapped every ounce of my courage.  I vow to never surrender.  I will always stand and fight for what I desire, for my dreams for what I believe in and for those close to me because I know that I can never live my life on my knees…

So Be It!

Mistakes…. Four things they taught me.

I have enjoyed mine so much I think I will go make a few more!  As part of the healing process I have been scratching around in the events that I considered to be the muck of my life’s journey.  What I discovered is that these moments are the actual true moments of power.  They taught me valuable life lessons.

1. We don’t always get what we want.

We all dream our dreams and make our plans but in the end we receive what is most in alignment with our Souls journey.  Interestingly enough when you look back you will notice that what you did receive was actually spot on!  It often allows for future growth and new ideas.  If I had got what I wanted ten years ago I wouldn’t even be here or in this stage of my development.  It may have been possible but this journey has proved to be exactly what my Soul needed.  I had to break quite a few things to get here though…

2.  Ushers in a new understanding.

To my point of breaking things, the only way I have found that you can bring in a new understanding is by breaking the old way.  Mistakes force you to see where the crack is and allows for a paradigm shift.   Without the events that I consider to be my mistakes I would not have made that connection.  They served a vital role in uncovering my bullshit!

3.  Don’t hang onto them.

Whatever you do don’t hang onto your so-called mistakes.  Everything has a reason, nothing is random and we are all connected.  We are just acting on what we know at the time, and sometimes that just isn’t enough information but we don’t know what we don’t know.  Sometimes we take action based on a projection of what we want our lives to be, not what really is. 

4.  What is.

Mistakes push us to see life as it really is, all of the beauty and the warts.  Once we master the willingness to stop hiding behind our masks, our projections and our fears a new world unfolds and we can finally see the path of our journey. 

Once again this past weekend I witnessed the letting go by courageous people, each in their own space doing their work.  I tip my hat to all of us who won’t give up; we who plug away at our individual darkness in order to heal the human consciousness of our time and herald in the 5^th World.  HAIL!

Love & Light

We Reap What We Sow...

I have been sitting with recent events waiting for some enlightenment, meditating trying to find peace. It has been long in coming and I have gone through the all the usual emotions shock, anger and now acceptance. For me it is not about who was elected so much as why the world in such a place that this is even a possibility.

It is simple really and we are all responsible. “How!” you cry. “How can it possibly be our fault?” We would all like to believe that we are good people and that we care for our neighbour. Sometimes we even act like we do but deep down there is a darkness of the soul that makes its-self known in the most insidious of ways.

Our thoughts of fear tear us apart.  We fear one another and separate from each other and in so hand over the one thing that will truly set us free, love.  The people who would control us know this and have been using this against us since the beginning of time.  We stand idly by while people we feel superior to are vilified. That is what it is about, our own self-importance and how we judge others for their ignorance because they do not believe as we do.

I have been doing soul searching to find the ways in which I have caused this separation.  I have meditated and done ceremony to heal these fears.  I have listened to the Tibetan Book of the Dead, looking for answers.

 I feel I may have found the answer; it is only through seeking truth and practicing compassion, for ourselves and others that will we find peace…

Love & Light

Do you know your darkness?

I will ask again..."Do you know your Darkness?"  Have you made friends with it, healed it or do you at least understand it?  

So many of us only want to see the "good" in life.  We want life to be like the fairy-tales we were told when we were little.  The men are all hero's and the women are saved from a terrible life by a handsome prince charging in.  Picket fences and all that.

Then we get to the age where something changes.  It happens to all of us sooner or later. Somewhere between the ages of six and nine everything we believed in is broken and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of it all.  The first seed of doubt, pain and fear is planted and then we feed it, allowing it to grow.  

Innocence is lost.  It could be as small as disappointment in your parents voice or as big as abuse it is all the same for the one suffering the pain and humiliation.  Some become vindictive, lying and causing hurt for others while others fold in upon themselves like origami burying the shame deep within the folds.

Now as the Darkness of November approaches, it is time to pull the hurt, shame and loss out.  Examine it carefully and drag it into the light.  Heal the self and above all forgive the self.  Real forgiveness for yourself and others will allow the hurt to shift and be transformed.  The darkness will always remain but if you know where it is and how it was created you can work with it and use it to become whole and balanced.  Light and dark equal and partners in the path ahead.

You have a choice!  You can choose to let go of the past and live in balance truly knowing who you are....

Love and Light!