A Decade of Lessons Learned.

Here we are standing on the threshold of a New Year and a new decade. Looking back over the last decade I came up with a list of things that I have learned.  Interesting that there are times when I still fall into the trap with one or two but in general I have been growing and learning all the time.  I think we overlook our growth daily and it is only with true reflection that we can see where we were ten years ago.  I can safely say that I am not even remotely the same person. With the help of the Medicine Wheel I have reviewed the core changes that have taken place over the last decade.  It is amazing to consider that I have only been on my healing path since 2009. 

EAST – Sun - Spirit:

The very first step of my healing journey is here.  In 2009 I first heard the knock of Spirit, my own and Great Spirit.  I was happy enough but something was missing.  There was a hole somewhere in my Soul that needed to be filled.  I did fight against it, which is my usual go to, but in the end I took the plunge.  What I know now: we need faith in something larger than ourselves and also in ourselves to have peace in the knowledge that everything is exactly as it should be.

WEST – Earth - Physical:

In this direction I was reckless and I feel I squandered much and didn’t take advantage of all the opportunities that presented themselves.  I made some fundamental mistakes.  I didn’t listen to my intuition and took risks I should not have.  What was the lesson?  There’s two:  You don’t need much material goods to be happy as long as you can meet the necessities, food, clothing, home and security. As a matter of fact not owning much gives you a sense of freedom.  The second lesson is: NEVER, EVER dismiss your intuition!  Always listen!

SOUTH – Water – Heart:

Ah, this direction was my greatest challenge.  Opening my heart was tough because you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and that is a feeling that makes me uncomfortable.  Looking at my stories and unraveling them so that I could forgive myself and others were rough.  I mean, who likes mushing around in the places where you are raw and hurting? It was so worth it though.  In this direction I learnt that: Forgiveness is essential, it removes anger and pain.  Always speak your truth because if you don’t you are robbed of your peace.  If speaking your truth makes people leave then so be it, that means they were never supposed to be in your space anyway as they have no clue who you really are.  Accept the consequences.

NORTH – Air – Mind:

Problem area number two!  It took a lot of work to shut my mind down, and frankly, this is still an area I struggle with.  My mind can play tricks on my like no-bodies business.  The projections that I can conjure up could make a script writer feel inadequate.  I have learned to practice being present in the moment. To not project into the future but to wait until something happens and then deal not before.  What I know is that what I dream up by over-thinking never happens so sleepless nights are not required.  If there are circumstances or people in your life that are causing you to project and over-think – LET THEM, OR IT GO! Don’t let situations carry on past its expiry date, take action and move on.

CENTER – Breath – Life Force:

Here the lessons have been simple and quite direct.  Always be authentically you.  Be careful who you share your energy with.  Some people are only in it for what they can get and they will leave you drained and confused (enter the mind).  Find people that match or exceed your vibration so that you can be inspired to do better.  Above all… BREATHE!

 Love & Light

Ever feel you’re Just Not Good Enough?

I am currently studying addiction and how Shamanism can support Addicts to wellness.  During the course we re-visited a particular teaching that really touched me the first time I heard it when I started my Shamanic journey.  I would like to share these with you so that next time you feel unworthy you can recall the beliefs and perhaps change your perspective.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that we all feel unworthy at times.  This feeling stems mostly from our childhood when we experienced a loss of innocence.  Loss of innocence comes in many forms.   An example could be that you are the apple of your parent’s eye and you can do nothing wrong.  Then you start school and perhaps you don’t do very well and for the first time ever your parents show their displeasure.  That simple act of telling you that you didn’t meet their expectations could be the catalyst for some of these core beliefs.

I want to add that there is NO BLAME to be placed on loved ones.  This blog is not about awakening the story of how you were not supported or loved.  It is simply to identify where some of these feelings may stem from and your story begins.  Remember that your parents did the best they could with the tools available to them.   We may not be the ones who initiated the trauma but all our experiences are what we signed up for in the evolution of our Spirit and it is our responsibility to heal it.

Core Belief #1:  I am basically a bad and unworthy person:

Cast your mind back to the first time someone scolded you and told you “You are a bad child”.  Can you recall that feeling?  They may even have added “Go to your room” or “Get out of my sight”.  Many times from our perspective we were not necessarily being “bad” but rather learning and experimenting.  That was your first encounter with conditional love.  There is usually two reactions to this trauma, you act out and become “bad” or you do everything in your power to become worthy of the others love. 

Loss of innocence

Core Belief #2:  No-one would or could love me as I really am:

It becomes clear to us that we are bad and unworthy so we armour and start to wear masks in order to project what we want others to see.  We even have different masks for different people like a chameleon forever matching the colour of the person we are engaging with.  Depending on our personalities we might start telling stories to make ourselves important.   The other side of the coin is self-pity where our story becomes who we are and we tell it to all that will listen in order to feel acknowledged. 

Loss of authenticity

Core Belief #3:  My needs will never be met by others:

As we grow we start to realize that we can’t depend on anyone but ourselves.  We all have experiences where we trusted someone only to be disappointed.  The hurt that strikes the deepest are those around our romantic relationships.  We start to believe that people will always let us down or betray us.  Often we will isolate ourselves.  Sometimes we will create “tests” for people to see if they will abandon us if we push them hard enough, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It becomes a rinse and repeat cycle where our past continually influences our future.

Loss of trust

Core Belief #4: My Addiction is all I need:
Feeding your addiction becomes your most important need to be met.  This doesn't always mean  drugs.  It could even be things that would under normal circumstances be good for us i.e. exercise or food.  As the trigger hits so I need to feed myself with that which makes me feel better.  The stimulant removes the feeling of being worthless temporarily so I continue to return to it.
Loss of connection to Spirit

Core Belief #5:  Sex=Love=Pain

As a Human the greatest gift that we have to offer is Love.  Yet everything in our human experience feels as if that is the one thing we can’t find.  When all these beliefs come together we believe in our core that we are unlovable and worse still that we don’t deserve love.  When we fall in love something triggers the feeling that we will be punished for loving and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.   We hold back or shut down and do everything in our power to avoid feeling.  Better to feel numb or be callous than to be vulnerable.

Loss of Love

With Shamanism these core beliefs are dismantled and re-written.  You heal every trauma and story until you are finally able to find your way back to Self-Love.  Once you realize that your ability to love yourself heals all these core beliefs you can step back into innocence, authenticity, trust and LOVE... 

Love & Light

Don't look back... You are not going that way!

The other day I had to go drop my son off in my old neighbourhood to pick up his car.  I drove by my old house.  Suddenly I was struck by a deep sense of sadness and loss.  I thought I had dealt with the grief of losing so much so I found it surprising that I should have such a visceral reaction to seeing my old home. Then it hit me… the sense of failure that is connected to that loss.  I felt that everything I had worked for over the last decades of my life was squandered and I had no-one but myself to blame.

Unconsciously every so called failure I had ever suffered came to the forefront.  People who know me know that I don’t dwell in the place of self-pity so I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I had to deal with this sense of failure so I worked with my altar, I asked the Gods and Spirit for answers.  Frankly I asked every God I knew to give me insight into this feeling of failure, loss and grief.  The answers did not come immediately but over the last couple of week they did come… slowly but surely.

I’m living from a place of SCARCITY:

In my everyday lately, even though I have more than enough I act as if I am down to my last resources.  We all know that you reap what you sow and I have been sowing lack.  As I go through my day I look to what I don’t have instead of what I have in abundance.  I have never gone to bed hungry or slept outside (glamping excluded) or not had the means to care for myself and mine.  I have always had an innate trust in myself and the Universe that it would provide. I need to go back to that space of trust and innocence that all will be well.

I’m coming from a place of FEAR:

Fear is taking up a big part of my daily thought process.  I ask myself questions like: How will I survive when I get old? Will I be alone? Where will I live? How will I eat? I need a new car… What if I lose my job?  And so it carries on and on… the constant reminder of what I could lose.  Why am I living in the future and causing myself so much anxiety?  Surely I know that what I do today will be the foundation for what happens tomorrow… but do I really?  I did everything right and still I have very little to show for it.  Once again I have to center myself and ground.  Do these material things matter?  Yes they do but not as a validation of who I am.  I can own absolutely nothing but still find joy in the sparkle in my Grandchildren’s eyes, in my Son’s laughing and growing into wonderful men.  I have nothing to fear, the future will take care of itself I must take care of now and live only in the moment.

I have made my world SMALL:

I have put my life on hold.  I have confined myself to the four walls of my office.  Why… because I don’t want to lose what I have.  I can’t lose what I have it is already gone and that which has stayed is more than I can ever need plus I have the love of my family and friends.  Each day I lock myself up in this room I lose a piece of myself and my world gets smaller.  I have some deep decisions to make. I need to define my next incarnation.  I have started asking myself questions such as; what is important to me and what am I here to do?  I need to clear my path and make plans to walk it fully and with conviction.  I need to start dreaming…

As I work with all these feelings I have noticed a small voice and it is getting louder each day.  That young woman I once was and still am, the one that I silenced so that I could fit in, is making herself heard.  The young woman that wanted to see the world and experience life fully and that made choices to stay in one place as to not disappoint.  Her free spirit is growing and her voice is becoming a roar in my ears.

What is she saying?  You are FREE!  In the words of Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin immortalized “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose”.  I can never lose the love of the people who love me; that I know for a fact.  There is nothing else to lose expect my Soul if I continue to ignore the roar.  Therefore I will strike scarcity, fear and playing it small from my thoughts and I will breathe in breathe out… no fear no doubt.

There is a vast ocean of knowledge and experiences out there. I will start to investigate do my research and prepare.  The time is not 100% right… I know this instinctively but it is close…

I am Heathen… and this is why.

People often ask me why I am Heathen.  For some time I wasn’t able to give them and answer that made sense, it was as if I couldn’t quite put it into words.  So, I spent some time thinking about it why I am a Pagan so that next time I was asked I could answer the question clearly without hesitation.

I have always believed in something greater than myself, the Church however left me cold.  I felt that the Patriarchy of Christianity didn’t feed me.  I could not reconcile a God of love with one who spoke of an eternal punishment if you did not follow the rules.  Then Jesus died and for our sins and was resurrected.  That took a lot of responsibility off our shoulders; we could ask for forgiveness and be saved but there was still there was something missing.  

Here are my reasons for choosing to be a Pagan:

Re-incarnation:

I was very young when I started to believe in re-incarnation.  I could never wrap my head around how one would get only one chance to live a good life and not make any mistakes.  In my everyday life I was granted chance after chance by my earthly Father why would a heavenly Father not be more compassionate if he were a God of love.  I feel certain that I will keep coming back until I am enlightened and I am absolutely convinced that I have lived many lives both of power and darkness.

Goddess Worship:

Somewhere deep inside my subconscious I knew that there were Goddesses that had been stripped of their power and were waiting to be worshipped once again.  I could feel the rise of the feminine and I wanted to be part of that movement.  However I never become only a Goddess worshipper I believe in balance where both the masculine and the feminine are revered. 

Karma:

I believe in the law of Karma and free will; what you sow so shall you reap.  To me this means that if I do my best to be a good person that is what will be returned to me.  If I do harm intentionally it will have a karmic repercussion.  Every experience in my life is a consequence of a decision I made. 

Free Will:

I have free will and I therefore have the freedom of choice and there is always a choice.  With choice comes great responsibility.  I attract everything good and bad with my intention and the choices I make.  Choice is freedom!!

Responsibility:

Even though there is something comforting about Jesus taking away our sins I prefer to take responsibility for my own life and deeds.  I feel that only through learning, healing and striving to be a better person can I become a part of Source. 

This is why I am Heathen and proud of it.  I feel in control of my life but in the knowledge that there is a reason for everything and nothing is coincidence.  There is a synchronicity to my life that allows it to flow, move and be vibrant.  There is a Great Mystery at work and I am part of it...

Love & Light

3 Things to stop doing in 2018

At the beginning of this New Year I want to attempt to get us all to look at things from a different perspective.  I find that we are all very hard on ourselves.  We will often give others a break for failing or making a mistake but we won’t forgive ourselves for the same thing.  This year I want us to all practice self-compassion and change our perceptions.

One of the most used self-criticisms I hear is “I should know… do…change…” etc.  It is that word “Should” that causes many problems in our lives because we beat ourselves with it.  I have a question… why should we know or do anything?  Would we not do it if the time is right and if we really knew?  It always makes me think about a Buddha quote I love.

To know but not to do is not yet to know ~ Buddha

First thing to go = Should, replace with “I want to.”

Making mistakes is another area where people beat themselves up.  Making mistakes is a natural way of learning.  Get to the stage where you feel comfortable making mistakes and learning new things and explore the outer edges, as that is where we grow.

Second thing to go = Fear of making mistakes.  Replace with “I want to learn.”

Fear of walking the edge.  We often say no to things that would stretch us and help us grow.  We do this out of fear of the unknown and the result is we keep our world and experiences small.

Third thing to go = Saying No.  Replace with YES!

Finally I want to remind everyone that we are all doing the best we can.  We make our decisions based on what we know and it is only once we have acted on the decision that we can see if it was good or not.  Hindsight as they say is 20/20. 

So cut yourself some slack.  Relax take a deep breath… after all, you’re only human…

Love & Light

4 Characteristics that show you are a catalyst for others.

Have you found that people who are right in the midst of a personal struggle will gravitate to you and that your energy seems to guide them through their crisis?  Well that may mean that you are a catalyst of other people’s healing.

I am not referring to the daily healing work I do as a practitioner. No, I am talking about a much deeper personal and emotional healing done in a one-to-one relationship.  

I am looking at why I get drawn into these situations.   With my own experiences I have found that the following traits and behaviors attract the people who are in need of a catalyst to make life changing decisions:

Authenticity

After years of working on myself I have come to a place in my life where I feel truly authentic.   I don’t feel judged by anyone because I don’t care what others think and I don’t judge others.  The saying “What other people think of you is none of your business” resonates with me at a conscious and unconscious level.  This authenticity leads to ease in my dealings with others and makes them feel comfortable to share their secrets.

Intensity

I live my life with an intensity that is seldom matched in people around me.  Other people who resonate the same become close friends and in these cases there is no energy loss on either side.  The ones who don’t vibrate at the same rate find my intensity and energy acts like a catalyst for them.  They draw from this and use it to spark change in their own lives.  In most cases this is not a problem because I have learnt how to protect myself from energy vampires.

Heart Connection

My heart is open to my community, my friends and my family.  My heart is generally open in this way.  I do however keep my heart hidden in a relationship until something happens that triggers a happy memory and allows me to open it.  Once that happens I am 100% present and engaged.   I don’t play games well, so I avoid them.  I am either in or out there is no in between.  This trait often makes the other person feel safe and then they start to engage at a deeper level.  There are times they run because they are just not ready.  When they run I struggle to just let it be at first but I soon see the wisdom

Enthusiasm

I am nothing if not enthusiastic.  I have a passion for life and I don’t play small.  I have lived most of my life taking risks and laughing at most of the consequences.  My motto, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry and that won’t solve anything.  So I choose to laugh.  If doesn’t hurt less but it is more bearable and affords me the grace to hold my head up and laugh with others at my crazy life.  People who need to feel protected when taking a risk notice this.  They draw energy from me to step into the unknown.

Do you have the same traits?  For me it isn’t always easy… sometimes I invest and find that I am left asking what went wrong.  Does this happen to you?  Have you been left wondering how come you have been squeezed dry? 

Here is what I know; you have far more reserves than you think.  You will always return stronger than before.  You will recover quickly as long as you are never a victim.  Perhaps it is yours to do but remember you always have a choice.

I realize quickly that I choose my path and that there is power in every choice I make.  Life is glorious and we should all live it to the fullest, even if it means taking risks and laughing in the face of despair.

Choose wisely…

Love & Light

Mistakes…. Four things they taught me.

I have enjoyed mine so much I think I will go make a few more!  As part of the healing process I have been scratching around in the events that I considered to be the muck of my life’s journey.  What I discovered is that these moments are the actual true moments of power.  They taught me valuable life lessons.

1. We don’t always get what we want.

We all dream our dreams and make our plans but in the end we receive what is most in alignment with our Souls journey.  Interestingly enough when you look back you will notice that what you did receive was actually spot on!  It often allows for future growth and new ideas.  If I had got what I wanted ten years ago I wouldn’t even be here or in this stage of my development.  It may have been possible but this journey has proved to be exactly what my Soul needed.  I had to break quite a few things to get here though…

2.  Ushers in a new understanding.

To my point of breaking things, the only way I have found that you can bring in a new understanding is by breaking the old way.  Mistakes force you to see where the crack is and allows for a paradigm shift.   Without the events that I consider to be my mistakes I would not have made that connection.  They served a vital role in uncovering my bullshit!

3.  Don’t hang onto them.

Whatever you do don’t hang onto your so-called mistakes.  Everything has a reason, nothing is random and we are all connected.  We are just acting on what we know at the time, and sometimes that just isn’t enough information but we don’t know what we don’t know.  Sometimes we take action based on a projection of what we want our lives to be, not what really is. 

4.  What is.

Mistakes push us to see life as it really is, all of the beauty and the warts.  Once we master the willingness to stop hiding behind our masks, our projections and our fears a new world unfolds and we can finally see the path of our journey. 

Once again this past weekend I witnessed the letting go by courageous people, each in their own space doing their work.  I tip my hat to all of us who won’t give up; we who plug away at our individual darkness in order to heal the human consciousness of our time and herald in the 5^th World.  HAIL!

Love & Light

Feeling Wronged...

Something interesting happened the other day.  I posted an article on my Facebook page and within minutes a person who isn’t on my friends list commented that I was ignorant, stupid and that I should check my facts.  To be honest, I can’t even remember what the post was about however I do remember the feelings his comment invoked.

The first was anger; not because he called me an ignorant person but because he was so stupid and couldn’t even see the truth of what I had posted.  I immediately thought this guy is obviously blinded by a closed mind and my view is so much more enlightened and superior.  Of course then there was pity… well not real pity more like condescension.  What a poor uneducated soul.

Then came the “how dare he!” It is my wall and he can’t come on my page and say whatever he wants. If he doesn’t like what he reads he should just scroll by as I do when I see something that I don’t agree with.  I don’t comment on other’s pages that they are idiots.  I might from time to time have a different opinion and I will comment but without the shaming.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion after all. If it turns into a spirited debate that’s good but you can’t have a debate with someone who already thinks you are a fool.

My instinct for action fueled by my anger was to tell him that he is the idiot and that his dumbass was stuck in the Dark Ages!  I started to type feverishly and then I stopped.  I took a couple of deep breaths and saw the whole interaction for what it was.  This guy had pressed my “Self-Righteous” button and I was allowing myself to be triggered and drawn in.  What a loss of energy!

I played out in my mind’s eye how it would go:

• I could make some snarky comment on his post
• Perhaps I could even post website links substantiating my point of view
• Other’s would jump on that to defend me or to shame me
• His friends would join in the fray and my page would become a place of name calling and vile

I realize was that he wasn’t there to have a healthy debate.  He had already shut down any path to dialog.  So I did what I should have done the first second I read it.  I remembered that it was my page and that I hold the power.  I deleted his post and carried on with my day…

Love & Light

Dying To Make A Change...

The other day I was browsing motivational videos on Youtube and I was struck by how many of the speakers base their life changing insights on near death experiences or dreadful illness that brought them to the brink of death.  I have always found it fascinating that people literally have to die before they make the changes they need to live a fulfilling life. 

What is it about the near death experience that allows us to embrace a new way of life?  My observation is that once you have faced death nothing more can scare you.  All the little fears that your ego dreamt up for you is erased once you have had to face a real fear.  Illness strengthens your courage and your will. 

Here is the thing that really boggles the mind… that near death experience or life alerting illness… you attracted it.  Right about now I can hear the choruses of; “No I didn’t!” but you know in your heart of heart that in some conscious or unconscious way you did.  Illness is the body’s way of making us pay attention!  Just like the sudden accident it forces you to pay attention to your path and what you are here to do.

But there are more subtle signs.  Perhaps you recognize some of them:

An abusive relationship that spirals out of control

Financial problems

Death of a loved one

Divorce

Losing a job

How many of us have made life altering changes after one of these occurrences in our lives? When we are able to make the necessary shift with grace and acceptance we often find that the impacts of these trails are far less than we ever imagined.  It is when we stay stuck in fear, grief and anger that life becomes unbearable.  If we feed the unbearable we attract more of the same.  If we let go and do what we need to do to heal, well then we attract more healing and growth.  If we ignore it all together… well then life throws a brick at us!

What are you prepared to do to make your life altering changes?

Love & Light

All We Need Is Love...

It is said that all we need is love for humanity to be happy and for our lives to have meaning, yet this seems to be one goal we all strive for and hardly ever reach.  In this time of division I have been reflecting on this.  Why do we humans seem so incapable of love?

All Teachers of Light throughout the ages have spoken of Love being the most important thing in this life and that through love we are able to transcend our egos’ because when we love we are thinking of someone else rather than ourselves.  It is also one of the reasons that sacrifice is rewarded in literature, music and history.  Selflessness is seen as a virtue.

So why is it so hard for us to love one another?   Interesting that Jesus said that the commandment second only to loving God is to, “Love thy neighbour as thyself” and it is in this statement that I think the flaw lies.   Most of us don’t love ourselves at all. 

We all live with this dilemma.  Depending on how we were raised we may think that loving ourselves is selfish because we might have been told as kids how selfish and spoiled we were.  Alternatively we might have grown up believing that we are worthless and being told that in many ways, at school and at home.  Most of us are used to conditional love, if you do this for me I will reward you; if you don’t then you will be punished.   Perhaps this is why we love dogs so much.  They don’t want anything from you and they give you all their love unconditionally, even if you don’t feel you deserve it. 

This brings me to an experiment that was done by performance artist Marina Abramovic.  She stood still for six hours and allowed people to do anything to her body without any repercussions.  She removed all responsibilities for their actions.  What's frightening is that it very soon devolved into a sadistic, violent tableau.  Why I wonder, why did people not shower her with affection?  Why all the hate, fear and violence?

So how do we fix this as a society? Buddha said it clearly, “If you see yourself in others, then who can you hurt?”  Yet that won’t help us either if we don’t love ourselves.  We need compassion and empathy for all people not only the ones who are in agreement with us.  It all comes down to healing ourselves so that we can truly love ourselves.  How do we do that?

Forgiveness – we all make mistakes but we have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes of the past.  Mistakes are there to teach and they are part of the journey of life.  Remember that we are only human.

Releasing anger and hurt – if we can bring ourselves to let go of all the hurt and anger that we hold onto we are able to open our hearts.  While we are living with hurt it is impossible for us to allow anyone in.  We always keep them at arm’s length and this leads to separation.

Fear – when people aren’t the same as us we tend to keep them at a distance.  They don’t look, speak or act like us so they must be too different for us to love.  If we can’t heal the fear and distrust of people within ourselves, how are we ever going to change our perspective?  

Love & Light

Roots and New Growth...

Twenty years ago I let go of everything I knew and loved and took my first steps into a brave new world. In the next year I broke everything and started from scratch. I worked hard, adjusted my attitude and my aggression, funny how I never noticed how aggressive South Africans were until I left.  I learnt early on that I didn’t have to deal with as much misogyny in Canada so I could use a softer power and still achieve what I wanted.  However I was still seen as a tough no-nonsense person and I thought of myself as quite understanding and accepting and I wondered why people thought the opposite. It comes down to making people responsible including myself, I am a no blame no excuses kind of gal, own it and move on, solve the problem don’t just talk about it.

Needless to say I thrived in Canada. I had just the right amount of grit and my South African work ethic allowed me to achieve everything I dreamed of. Then I hit a snag… I didn’t really belong and I missed home with all my heart. My sons were becoming more Canadian by the day. They were forgetting where they came from. I was struggling with the language I had spoken all my life, Afrikaans was feeling halted and heavy on my tongue. I could see my future clearly – soon more people who meant the world to me would be living in Canada as my son’s married and had children. I felt trapped in a future I wasn’t ready for.  Seems I didn’t plan it out properly.

So in my typical grab the bull by the horns way I took everyone including the dog back to South Africa. It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t belong there either. My family had got on well without me and I had effectively handed over the eldest daughter position to my younger sister. I had no place anywhere, I was rudderless. It was impossible for me to find a footing and I wondered why it was that the land of my birth rejected me.   My boys didn’t settle and after two years of floundering about I did the only thing I could and moved back to Canada.  It was easier this time but I knew my fate was sealed. Still there is a deep hunger in my heart for my people and the land of my people I only hide it better now.

One of the results of this back and forth game, in hindsight, is that I needed to do the healing work I have been working with for the past ten years.  Not only has my whole life changed but I have become a different person.  I don’t see life the same way at all anymore and I have ended up exactly where I should be. All my ideas about what is important in life have shifted. Now it could be that this knowledge comes with age anyway but this feels deeper.  With my usual precision and ruthlessness I have cut away and broken free of my past and my Karma by finding new ways to deal with situations.  Still a work in progress but I am getting there.  I have learnt that wanting makes you unhappy but if you can dream big and act with sobriety you can manifest all your dreams.

I know that many South African’s reading this might say that I am one of the lucky ones and that I am out of the quagmire that has become the political and social scape of my home. And yes, I have to say that I am, but does that make me miss my home less? No it doesn’t. However as I am a different person now I am going to find a way to make the absolute best of what I have and find a way to meet and fulfill the needs of my Soul.  Not sure what that looks like yet, but I am working on it….

Love & Light

Let Go...

I think we have spoken about this before but I have learnt more about it. As I watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees I am reminded that letting go of dead things can be beautiful and painless.  This year has been particularly beautiful. I notice people stopping at the side of the road to take pictures trying to capture the beauty.  I also know that it is impossible to capture the intense colours and that it is something that you have to commit to memory.

But let’s get back to letting go.  We all believe that letting go means that we are letting go of the past. Those past hurts and pain that we need to work with so that these things will no longer trigger us in negative ways in our here and now.  Yes this is true, but to do that we have to heal and that is a journey of self-discovery and forgiveness; forgiveness of oneself and others.

I would like to talk about letting go of something more present though.  The daily fear that our little ego’s dream up for us, the reason that our ideas are stillborn because we are too fearful of taking a leap of faith. These are not always huge things it could be as simple as self-care.  Many people put themselves last on the list and inevitably we find when we look into why, that it is because somewhere in their psyche they believe that they don’t deserve better. These negative thought are the serial killers of our happiness.  Those are what we need to let go of. 

We also know that stopping negative thoughts is one of the most difficult things to do, so I can hear you say “HOW?”  It is a process but here is how:

The Triple A approach:

·         Awareness

Once you become aware of the negative thoughts you can do something about it. So the first step is to listen. Listen to your thoughts with a second attention. Are you constantly berating yourself? Are you telling yourself you can’t possibly do something for various reasons? Are you always justifying and trying to explain yourself to yourself and others? If you are this is a cause for anxiety and stress which in some cases can become extreme and debilitating.

·         Assessment

So now that you are hearing the thoughts you must assess them. Take the little ego out of the equation and look at them neutrally.  Is the thought true? For instance “Is it real?” Do you really have to take on another person’s problems?  Are you choosing to make life difficult because that will keep the status quo and you won’t have to take a risk or step into the unknown? Are you not speaking your truth or are you denying yourself happiness because it is easier? Assess the true situation, stop lying to yourself… you deserve more.

·         Action

Now take action. Take a deep breath and change the thought.  “Yes I can, I have the skillset to… make the speech; change the dynamic of a relationship; take a stand and whatever else comes I can deal with the consequences.   

It is understood in Shamanic circles that a single thought lasts for seventy years… yes that is not a typo, seventy years. Think about that for a minute… what are you sowing?

Love & Light

What Are You Thinking?

Today I am speaking to you about something you already know. However knowing and practicing is two different things.

Your Thoughts Are Your Most Powerful Tool!

We all know that we need to watch out thoughts for they become our reality but many of us have problems with keeping our focus. With awareness I have found that I hear my thoughts clearly now, and sometimes they are still disturbing.  

Have you ever done something seemingly and innocently silly, like go to the bank when you know it is probably going to be busy, say a Friday afternoon at four o'clock?  Of course you have.  I did that just the other day. I became aware that I was berating myself in my mind for being stupid for going to the bank at that time.  I was literally lashing out at myself.   Whoa... what was that about?

In my case it goes back to that feeling that I am constantly under pressure to get things done fast and efficiently.  What a load of BS!  At some stage I even convinced myself that taking lunch was a waste of time and you can imagine what that has done to my self-care over the years. Even though I am so aware of the problem I still struggle daily with this pressure that I put on myself.  Yes - there is the crux of the matter, what I do to myself! 

Here are a few tips that I use to keep working at it:

Second Attention:  I am always aware of my thoughts by placing my second attention on them.

Listening to my body: I stop what I am doing as soon as I feel tension in my body because it means that I am starting to put pressure on myself.

Gentleness: I treat myself gently and remind myself all day that I just need to be present. There is no rush.

Patience: I must have patience. I built this backbreaking thought pattern and habit over many years and it can't be broken in one day.  

Compassion: I must have compassion for me when I don't get it right.  Healing is a process.

So, this year I will continue to break down and through this thought barrier.  I do everything with second attention on my thoughts.  I remind myself over and over in a day that what I am currently doing is important and that I have all the time in the world to complete it. 

The ultimate goal you ask?  To walk in beauty with neutrality, strength and an open heart...

Love & Light

Loss and grief...

This month I attended the funeral of a young man aged twenty four.  He died in an industrial accident at work.  Even though I did not know him well I know his younger brother very well as he is my youngest son’s best friend.  It was one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to.  It seemed to me that all the young people in our town were touched by this man and his loss in our community is heartfelt and runs deep. He touched many hearts in his short life.

It hit me hard when I saw his Mother whom I also know well.  She had fallen apart and could hardly speak.  Her grief was tangible.  She cried against my shoulder and all I could do was hold her.  I knew my words would sound hollow so I just held her and allowed her grief to flow through me.

I have been to many a young person’s funeral - my own brother in-law died at around the same age and many friends were lost when I was young.  Even though I remember being there for my sister I don’t recall being so affected by the pain I felt coming in waves off this Mother.  I have never felt another’s grief so acutely. 

I am a Mother to two young men and like this Mother I did everything in my power to keep them safe growing up.  In fact she and I are the only two Mother’s I am aware of that had strict rules in place about where they went, how late they were out and needing to know where they were at all times.  I think that is why she allowed her youngest to hang out at my house.  It seems so ironic that we raised them with such care only to have this terrible accident happen.  But I guess that’s life… and that is why we need to live every day to the fullest. 

I believe the reason I felt the grief so deeply is because I know that anything can happen at any time; there but for the grace of Spirit go I.  We have children for various reasons but mostly because it is in our very DNA to continue our blood line.  Our children are the manifestation of our belief that life is sacred, our insurance policy that we shall live forever through our seven generations. 

Here is what I know.  Looking at that Mother I don’t think all our neat boxes about grief will hold water.  There are no stages of grief for her, the so called… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… I saw her go through all of those simultaneously.  I know there is no time period for grief and everyone heals at their own pace.  I ask myself; how do you heal from the loss of a child, the loss of the life you carried in your womb and brought into this world with a primal roar. 

What have I learnt?  That death can be a teacher and that no matter what I should count my blessings.  Life is precious and sacred and it needs to be protected at all costs.  I need to ensure that I build a strong bond with my children so there will never be any regrets or unspoken truth between us.  I must open my heart to all around me; a simple smile will heal deep wounds.  Hold space for others and allow them to feel and experience what they need to in order to heal by just being there… no platitudes can make up for compassion felt deeply in silence. 

Lastly… live life with my whole being and make death my friend because it is a beginning not an end….

Love & Light

5 Behaviours That Will Destroy Your Dreams…. EVERYTIME!

Everyone has dreams and it is of no consequence how big those dreams are or how small.  How you approach your dreams either makes them become reality or remain a daydream.  There has to be steps taken for a dream to become reality.  Just waiting for the Universe to bless you will never work, let’s face it – even if you dream of winning the lottery – you still have to buy that ticket!  Of course providence and being in the right place at the right time also comes into play but usually it also means that some type of action was taken to place you in that space. 

Often we will put all our effort into something only for it to not work out.  This happens frequently, however it regularly turns out that something better is just around the corner out of sight.  When this happens you will usually hear “Wow that worked out for the best.”  

The five behaviours I am going to discuss are the ones we use consciously or subconsciously to block our dreams. 

1.  Not Taking Responsibility:

Stop blaming other people for your shit!  Your parents, siblings, husband, girlfriend, boss or co-workers are not responsible for your choices.  We all have histories and we have all made mistakes – so own yours.  You don’t have to take the blame for other peoples choices only your own.  Sometimes we react to circumstances and people in such a way that we sabotage ourselves, a “cut your nose to spite your face” scenario.  Inevitably we have some hand in the circumstances so we have to take a good hard look at our role and take responsibility without judgement of ourselves or others.  You will find that all the drama will evaporate when you deal with the facts leaving you open to heal your wounds.

2.  Not Taking Action:

Procrastination and laziness are dream serial killers.  Talking up a storm about how you are going to make something happen is never going to bring it to fruition, you have to take action!  An example might be that you want to eat better, so you go to the store and buy healthy choices and look for healthy recipes only to flop down on the couch and get take out.  The food rots away in the fridge to be thrown into the garbage.  Of course we have excuses – I was too tired, I had a tough day at work, the kids drove me mad – but none of these are really valid if we value ourselves and our dreams.  Stop allowing excuses and justifications to ruin your dreams, make a commitment to yourself and your dream and take action!

3.  Break From Reality:

Living in the past or in the future will kill your dreams every time.  When we dwell on the past our story is ever present.  Stories stir up emotion and confuse the brain.  We start to project the same outcome as we have had in the past and it forces us to hold onto patterns.  Living in the future is just as destructive it makes us believe that if circumstances would somehow change then we will be happy.  You can however be happy now just by seeing reality for what it is and being grateful for what you have.  Worry has never solved a single problem, only action does and if there is nothing that can be done then acceptance of your reality is all there is.  Upon acceptance you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, your emotions will calm down and your brain will clear opening the door to a new understanding of the problem and a new path to take.

4.  Having No Integrity:

What does integrity mean?  It means to have a quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.  It is a state of being whole and undivided.  Lies will stop dreams in their tracks.  The worst kind is the lies you tell yourself.  All the justifications that we have when we don’t act from a place of integrity cause negative energy around us, within ourselves and with others.  When your word can’t be trusted energy can’t move.  What we think and say is the driving force behind the energy we send out into the universe.  Lies cause chaos!   When we stop lying to ourselves and/or others, energy starts to flow and the universe starts to move in your favour.

5.  Self-Importance / Self-Pity:

Two sides of the same coin.  You can’t have self-pity without self-importance.  This is a difficult concept for most – I know I struggled with it for a while.   Self-importance makes us believe that rules don’t apply to us and that we are entitled.   It is that entitlement that blocks dreams because it makes us believe that we don’t have to put any effort in.  Think about what we call the “Entitled Generation” – they are so used to just getting what they want, often without deserving it that it becomes their nature.  If this behaviour is not rectified it can shift into narcissism and in extreme cases become a disorder.  To clarify I am not referring to self-esteem or self-worth – these two traits are essential to make dreams come true.

Self-pity on the other hand allows you to wallow in your misery.  It is a way to indulge in our inability to calm our emotions and break with our past.  It blocks our healing process and keeps us caught in all the situations where we believe we were the victim.  We remain victims of our past and our actions and attract negative energy and stagnation.   Often we find ourselves surrounded by negative people as a result.  When we believe that everything and everyone is against us we will not act because we are fear driven.  Dreams are not born from fear but from courage; courage to heal, to step into the unknown and to take up the challenge and move forward. 

How do you block your dreams?  Which of these behaviours do you practice, all or just some?  Do you fluctuate between self-pity and self-importance?  I believe these to be interesting questions.  If we can be truthful with ourselves we can get a glimpse of where we sabotage our dreams and take steps to rectify our thoughts and actions.  It is hard work but so worth it!

In Beauty

Broken Relationships...

Broken relationships - we all have our fair share.  The profoundly emotional Youtube video of Artist Marina Abramovic and Ulay seeing each other for the first time in years had me thinking about my own relationships that broke along the twists and turns of this journey I call my life.  With most I am glad to say I have been able to maintain a friendship but in some cases it could never make sense.  Some I got over quickly while others took time to heal.  

So many of my clients keep getting drawn back into the past and are unable to heal the wounded spirit.   Let’s face it, ending a relationship is one of the most uncomfortable things we need to do in our lives, and we have all had to do so at some time.  How we negotiate our discomfort will inevitably plot the course for both our and the other persons healing.  This led to me considering the reasons we hang on to the memories of these broken relationships and here are but a few. 

There isn't closure.

Many people are not capable of ending a relationship neutrally. We don’t want to deal with the other person’s anger and pain so we often take the easy way out.   In this day and age it is common for someone to end a relationship via text or e-mail.  They may think they are “sparing” the other person but actually they are really only protecting themselves.  When a relationship has fallen apart and we are unable to find closure in what has happened it will often stay with us.  We will dwell on the things we should have said or the things that we need to say and are unable to say.  This is especially true if you are “ghosting” the other person by not responding to their request to formally put the relationship out of its misery.

It is sudden.

Most of us know when a relationship is on a slippery slope to nowhere, even if we don’t want to believe it to be true.  We all know of that one person that was blindsided.  Where the other person walks in one day and says “It’s over” packs their bags and leaves.  Many times it is a marriage of many years and the person left behind feels their whole life spinning out of control.  Sudden death has the same impact but the healing steps are clear because there is nothing that can be done about it.

There is bitterness.

If the split was not amicable there is often a lot of bitterness and anger on both sides of the relationship.  Where children are involved they tend to be the only ones that suffer as their parents fight.  The relationship is long over and everyone involved would be better off to just let it go and move on.  However getting rid of that anger and hate locks you into your story and past.  Which in turn is then played out in any future relationship until you say “That’s enough; my story no longer defines me!”

Yet this video makes me wonder how it would be to have one minute of deep spiritual and emotional re-connection as these two people did.  Where for one moment we can see each other as we first did the day we fell in love.  I speculate whether it would open up old wounds or if it would bring true healing.

Our ONLY purpose for choosing to become physical beings is to LOVE.  That is the greatest challenge of all for in order to do so we have to be willing to be vulnerable and live with an open heart that can be broken.  It means we can’t put up walls and lock people out.  To love others as we love ourselves even our enemies.  How can we accomplish this enormous task?   By being present today with gratitude for all that we have, every experience and the beauty of our Souls…

What is Personal Power?

Many people speak of personal power but what is it exactly?  How do you unlock it?  These questions are asked countless times and it seems no-one and everyone has the answer.  Personal power is having the courage to actually DO what is necessary.  Most people pay lip service to their lives in general.  How many promises that you have made to yourself have you actually kept?  How many times have you let yourself down with no follow through?  I know I have more times than I care to count.

Yes I know we all have our personal history, our stories that keep us stuck in the same pattern.  Do you make excuses?  Is there always a story that justifies your lack of action?  In some cases we even go as far as placing the blame on others because taking a step towards personal power will affect them.  We do all of this to avoid taking responsibility for our lives.

One of the things that strike me about personal power is that it is not as elusive as we would like to think.  It is right there all the time, and when we step into it the outcome that we feared the most inevitably doesn't happen.  Why is that?  Because we project a future based on the imagined fear before we take action.  Once you take action the circumstances of the situation change and all projections are transformed.  Interesting…  

The biggest block against personal power is personal history.   This could be every time you were hurt, “taught” a lesson, guilt ridden, abandoned, shamed or blamed but it really boils down to one thing and one thing only… innocence lost.  You can see how these feelings can leave you bitter, vengeful or obstinate.  What can grow in soil that has been tilled with these feelings?  Personal history gives your projections power and suppresses your personal power.  It stops your ability to dream, take chances, open your heart and engage in your life.

I know that some will say that our experiences are what shape us, but they should not dictate what we do from this time forward.  If we can use these experiences as guides to avoid further hurt and loss of innocence I am all for it but if they are kept alive solely for the reason of blocking our path and putting up a wall then they serve no purpose. 

Here is a little exercise.  Think of a time when you actually stepped into your power and dealt with a difficult situation.  How did it make you feel?  Did it really turn out as bad as you had thought? What did you gain?  Now imagine that you did nothing…. Where would you be now?

I remember a particular ceremony during my warrior training that pushed so hard against my fear I nearly gave up.  I was to find a place out in nature away from everyone, dig a hole, cover it with a tarp and sleep in my “grave” overnight.  When I first heard about this ceremony I was excited and eager but as the time to do it drew closer I felt such a resistance that it was palpable.  I made up excuse after excuse, I couldn't find a place, what about bears, spiders and snakes (none of which I am afraid of with the exception of bears) etc. etc..  I walked for six hours trying to find a spot only to return and angrily confront my teacher saying that I am not doing the ceremony.  She just nodded, told me to work with the fear and walked away.  I became infuriated, how could she have such disregard for my safety.  However when I sat down with that fear I realized that being with myself with no distractions and only the work that had to be done, which was to look at my life, what I was, what I think of myself and what others may think of me should I die today, scared the crap out of me.  Being that honest with me was beyond anything I had done before.  Then it hit me, it isn't that I couldn't confront me,  I couldn't confront  my personal history, there was so much guilt, hurt and blame.  So I stepped into my power, dug my hole, grabbed a blanket, warrior journal, pen and flashlight and pulled that tarp across my grave.  I laughed at myself thinking “you made your grave now lie in it” and I started with the cleanup.  That was the first (but not the last) time I truly let go of some of my personal history.  Had I not completed this ceremony I would not be where I am today I would still be stuck with the fear of facing myself and the unknown. 

For most people this may sound quite drastic.  Of course you don’t need to do anything this extreme but do take steps towards erasing your personal history and letting it go.  Find a practitioner that can guide you gently to facing your personal history so that you can be free.

So what does it take to step into your power?  Erase your personal history and let it go.  Find the courage to do what’s necessary.  Once done you can be the sorcerer of your life, the one that weaves magic and new experiences powerful enough to propel you forward towards the life you want and need. 

Love & Light