A Decade of Lessons Learned.

Here we are standing on the threshold of a New Year and a new decade. Looking back over the last decade I came up with a list of things that I have learned.  Interesting that there are times when I still fall into the trap with one or two but in general I have been growing and learning all the time.  I think we overlook our growth daily and it is only with true reflection that we can see where we were ten years ago.  I can safely say that I am not even remotely the same person. With the help of the Medicine Wheel I have reviewed the core changes that have taken place over the last decade.  It is amazing to consider that I have only been on my healing path since 2009. 

EAST – Sun - Spirit:

The very first step of my healing journey is here.  In 2009 I first heard the knock of Spirit, my own and Great Spirit.  I was happy enough but something was missing.  There was a hole somewhere in my Soul that needed to be filled.  I did fight against it, which is my usual go to, but in the end I took the plunge.  What I know now: we need faith in something larger than ourselves and also in ourselves to have peace in the knowledge that everything is exactly as it should be.

WEST – Earth - Physical:

In this direction I was reckless and I feel I squandered much and didn’t take advantage of all the opportunities that presented themselves.  I made some fundamental mistakes.  I didn’t listen to my intuition and took risks I should not have.  What was the lesson?  There’s two:  You don’t need much material goods to be happy as long as you can meet the necessities, food, clothing, home and security. As a matter of fact not owning much gives you a sense of freedom.  The second lesson is: NEVER, EVER dismiss your intuition!  Always listen!

SOUTH – Water – Heart:

Ah, this direction was my greatest challenge.  Opening my heart was tough because you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and that is a feeling that makes me uncomfortable.  Looking at my stories and unraveling them so that I could forgive myself and others were rough.  I mean, who likes mushing around in the places where you are raw and hurting? It was so worth it though.  In this direction I learnt that: Forgiveness is essential, it removes anger and pain.  Always speak your truth because if you don’t you are robbed of your peace.  If speaking your truth makes people leave then so be it, that means they were never supposed to be in your space anyway as they have no clue who you really are.  Accept the consequences.

NORTH – Air – Mind:

Problem area number two!  It took a lot of work to shut my mind down, and frankly, this is still an area I struggle with.  My mind can play tricks on my like no-bodies business.  The projections that I can conjure up could make a script writer feel inadequate.  I have learned to practice being present in the moment. To not project into the future but to wait until something happens and then deal not before.  What I know is that what I dream up by over-thinking never happens so sleepless nights are not required.  If there are circumstances or people in your life that are causing you to project and over-think – LET THEM, OR IT GO! Don’t let situations carry on past its expiry date, take action and move on.

CENTER – Breath – Life Force:

Here the lessons have been simple and quite direct.  Always be authentically you.  Be careful who you share your energy with.  Some people are only in it for what they can get and they will leave you drained and confused (enter the mind).  Find people that match or exceed your vibration so that you can be inspired to do better.  Above all… BREATHE!

 Love & Light

Growing Bolder...

Recently a nine year old picture of me came up in my newsfeed.  I was drawn to my youthful look and I think I look stunning (if I say so myself). There is a sparkle in my eyes and a vibrancy that I have nurtured all my life.  This was a photo shoot I promised I would do the year I turned fifty.  This young woman could not be stopped. She went out and wrote two books that year and opened a practice the next , her energy was contagious, boundless and inspired.

Now of course the picture of “older me” is not professional.  It was just taken by someone with no filters or photo shop, it is simply me with all my flaws but somehow it speaks more to my essence than the other photo does.

The first photo was taken before my healing journey began.  I was still finding my way in this world and caught up with things which don’t mean much in the greater scheme of things.  I don’t judge who I was, I simply recognize that I was different.  I love that younger version because she is the one that found the courage to step onto the path of healing and stick to it with a determination and tenacity that only she could have mustered.  She is my HERO!

When I look at the second photo I see a softening and a compassion for myself and others that I know the younger version did not have, she was pretty black or white.  Though that same spark is still present there is a deeper knowing behind my eyes that is brought forth by looking into the depths of your own darkness and making that part of you your ally.  I no longer fear death or change I embrace the fact that nothing stays the same and that it shouldn’t.  If we want relationships or anything else in our lives to last, we have to work at allowing space for our own growth and that of our partners for they also have to evolve.

The older version of me realizes that life is grey and that nothing can be definitive.  She also knows that she knows nothing and that she is constantly learning things about herself and her world.  She is aware that her own darkness will change its shape to fool her into thinking that she’s got it when she really doesn’t and she has learnt to dance with it because there is true healing to be found there.  She has become more joyful and is filled with gratitude for everything she has and everything she has lost, for in that loss she found her strength.

The current version of me has found a way to love unconditionally.  I no longer need a “return” or proof of anyone’s love based on old belief systems that held me hostage.  It is enough that I give love in a way that nurtures and fortifies me and to have healthy boundaries.  I accept the fact that others are not always going to be able to meet my level of intimacy and that’s okay, they may not be ready. I no longer need others for validation of whom I am or who I am becoming.  I love myself deeply.

Believe me when I say this journey is not complete and I look forward to the future me, ten years from now, because I believe that she will change the world around her…

Love & Light

Silencing the Sacred Feminine

I have been debating writing this piece.  I feel as if I am dealing with such a touchy subject but I have somehow discovered the courage to write it.  I am of course referring to the Pro-Life / Pro-Choice debate.  When you look at it at face value in the world we live in today it seems perfectly normal that a woman should have the right to choose based on whatever criteria is important to her whether it be her own health, health of the fetus, economic circumstances, age or that she just doesn’t want to have or raise a child. 

I think my own view is probably more in alignment with Pro-Life but I will never judge the very difficult choice some women have to make, some alone and some with their partners to terminate a pregnancy. Advances in medicine have given us the tools to ensure that healthy humans are born and to me that is a gift that allows us to make better choices.  However I still imagine that even then there is a careful consideration of all the facts before abortion is decided upon.  I never imagine it to be a careless or reckless choice but one that is made with sobriety and care.

However this is not what I want to write about, what I want to address is the legislation that is being brought to remove a woman’s right to choose.  For me this is a dangerous and slippery slope we are standing on and frankly have nothing to do with fetuses but everything to do with ensuring the Sacred Feminine does not rise. 

We are all aware of the women’s movements that have sprouted up at grassroots level and have been building momentum over time.  Were we really that naïve to think that the Patriarchal system would not fight back with any and all means at their disposal?  These men still hold the power and they will wield it ruthlessly.  

One simply has to look at the wording of the Bill put forth in Alabama to realize that this actually has nothing to do with the unborn but rather with the subjugation of women.  Who in their right minds would conceive that having a woman carry a rapist’s child to full term was a good idea, or worse still one of incest?  The fact is that the Bill will most likely not come into effect in the near future but it doesn’t have to.  It is a ploy that we must not be deceived by.  They are making the Bill as incongruous as possible to get it in front of the Supreme Court which is heavily stacked in the favour of the Patriarchy. 

For the better part of eight hundred years the Patriarchy systematically stripped all women of their rights and burned those who would not go quietly at the stake.  Picture a time, not so long ago (1900’s) when as a woman you could not own property, had no right to vote and once married you were not even regarded as a person.  As a matter of fact you weren’t even able to gain salvation and a place in heaven. 

Can you imagine going to a bank to open an account and being refused as a married woman because you would need your husbands’ signature?  I don’t have to imagine, that has actually happened to me.  In many countries that is still a requirement and it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around.  I remember being angry and humiliated but I still had to get my husband to sign, there was no alternative.

It is going to get worse before it gets better.  We should ready ourselves for pushback on a grand scale because the only recourse the Patriarchy has in this day and age is legislation and as I said they are going to use it.  It also doesn’t help that women still don’t see themselves as equal to their male counterparts some even go as far as to repress  themselves.  I don’t know how many times I hear comments from women, usually older women, about the “Good Ole Days” and how much simpler life was.  Make no mistake those days sucked big time for women and was the heyday of the Patriarchy.  We were barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen catering to every whim of the Masculine and that was never the intention of any God.

What I do know is that the Patriarchal Masculine energy will no longer be tolerated in the Universe.  Earth is being pushed to make strides forward in raising its awareness and consciousness.  To do this we need to strike a balance between the Sacred Feminine and the Sacred Masculine, neither one should be subjugated. 

I know that the older generations laugh at the Millennials because they seem to be blurring the lines between the genders but that is exactly the energy needed to start propelling us into the new consciousness.  Yes to some of us it may look ridiculous but any change is considered such in the beginning.  Just think back to when women started to wear slacks, they were ridiculed but now everyone finds it quite normal, a simple example but one of great significance.

We also are seeing an increase in men that are taking up the daunting task of healing their emotional pain, not just stuffing it down to fester into anger or drinking it into oblivion.  In doing so they are healing their generational masculine lineage a task that is by no means easy or insignificant.  The women are doing the same, in greater numbers at this time, but my dream is that we will soon be one for one.  What I do know is that when a woman heals she gently guides her mate to his healing and once we have balanced our own relationships with our partners, sons and daughters we are healing seven generations forward and seven back.  Just consider the ripple effect that can have on the vibration of the Earth!

To all of us who are healing and doing whatever we can to raise our own vibrations I say “A’Ho Awanestika”!  You have been heard and your healing is the greatest gift you can give us…

Love & Light

As Above... So Below...

Have you ever wondered why we use the words “As Above – So Below” as part of our Rituals?  I think many just say the words by rote without a deeper understanding of what it means.  Even in Shamanism we use a similar incantation; “We Marry the As Above with the So Below”.  Historically it comes from the Egyptian-Greek Emerald Tablet of the 2^nd and 3^rd centuries CE and it was embraced by European Hermetic occult practitioners and is still with us today. 

So theoretically we can say that it has been around since ancient times and therefore is encased in our collective ancestral knowledge.  I however think that when we look at what it really means and stop saying it by rote as a way to begin a ritual we could deepen our rituals and what we are attempting to manifest will become more focused.

How many times have I heard people speak to how difficult it is for them to manifest what they desire?  They say all the right incantations, work with the Gods and Goddesses and yet things are just not what they are seeking.  Interesting…  I have a theory.

First, let’s explore the As Above.  What is the As Above – it is the Dream Space.  This is where all our dreams, visions or the goals reside.  We all know that we have to have a clear picture of the Dream we want to manifest that is why we use vision boards and various other tools to strengthen that dream. The piece we miss… is our ability to overcome our own doubt. 

Doubt clouds our ability to manifest.  It makes us water down our dream and bring it more in line with what the Ego believes our abilities are.  Our Dreamer knows that we are infinite and that nothing is impossible.  What drives our Ego… Fear.  Fear of failure and sometimes even fear of success.

The So Below is this reality that we are in every day.  This is where the Ego lives and here it reigns supreme.  It will trick us into believing that we should not risk what we have.  There are times it will make you believe that you don’t deserve the dream you are manifesting.  Because of doubt the As Above is not reflected in the So Below and therefore can’t be made manifest.  That is why saying “As Above, So Below” as part of a ritual will not necessarily reap success – because we don’t believe it.

So, what can we do to overcome our Ego’s and get out of our own way?  We have to heal the Inner world so that we can calm the mind and start to see the Outer world for what is really is.  We need to stop projecting into the future and be in the now.  When we realize that what we do today is the foundation for tomorrow then we start to see the shift.  We need to stay the course and not let our Ego’s lead us astray. 

Love & Light

Ever feel you’re Just Not Good Enough?

I am currently studying addiction and how Shamanism can support Addicts to wellness.  During the course we re-visited a particular teaching that really touched me the first time I heard it when I started my Shamanic journey.  I would like to share these with you so that next time you feel unworthy you can recall the beliefs and perhaps change your perspective.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that we all feel unworthy at times.  This feeling stems mostly from our childhood when we experienced a loss of innocence.  Loss of innocence comes in many forms.   An example could be that you are the apple of your parent’s eye and you can do nothing wrong.  Then you start school and perhaps you don’t do very well and for the first time ever your parents show their displeasure.  That simple act of telling you that you didn’t meet their expectations could be the catalyst for some of these core beliefs.

I want to add that there is NO BLAME to be placed on loved ones.  This blog is not about awakening the story of how you were not supported or loved.  It is simply to identify where some of these feelings may stem from and your story begins.  Remember that your parents did the best they could with the tools available to them.   We may not be the ones who initiated the trauma but all our experiences are what we signed up for in the evolution of our Spirit and it is our responsibility to heal it.

Core Belief #1:  I am basically a bad and unworthy person:

Cast your mind back to the first time someone scolded you and told you “You are a bad child”.  Can you recall that feeling?  They may even have added “Go to your room” or “Get out of my sight”.  Many times from our perspective we were not necessarily being “bad” but rather learning and experimenting.  That was your first encounter with conditional love.  There is usually two reactions to this trauma, you act out and become “bad” or you do everything in your power to become worthy of the others love. 

Loss of innocence

Core Belief #2:  No-one would or could love me as I really am:

It becomes clear to us that we are bad and unworthy so we armour and start to wear masks in order to project what we want others to see.  We even have different masks for different people like a chameleon forever matching the colour of the person we are engaging with.  Depending on our personalities we might start telling stories to make ourselves important.   The other side of the coin is self-pity where our story becomes who we are and we tell it to all that will listen in order to feel acknowledged. 

Loss of authenticity

Core Belief #3:  My needs will never be met by others:

As we grow we start to realize that we can’t depend on anyone but ourselves.  We all have experiences where we trusted someone only to be disappointed.  The hurt that strikes the deepest are those around our romantic relationships.  We start to believe that people will always let us down or betray us.  Often we will isolate ourselves.  Sometimes we will create “tests” for people to see if they will abandon us if we push them hard enough, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It becomes a rinse and repeat cycle where our past continually influences our future.

Loss of trust

Core Belief #4: My Addiction is all I need:
Feeding your addiction becomes your most important need to be met.  This doesn't always mean  drugs.  It could even be things that would under normal circumstances be good for us i.e. exercise or food.  As the trigger hits so I need to feed myself with that which makes me feel better.  The stimulant removes the feeling of being worthless temporarily so I continue to return to it.
Loss of connection to Spirit

Core Belief #5:  Sex=Love=Pain

As a Human the greatest gift that we have to offer is Love.  Yet everything in our human experience feels as if that is the one thing we can’t find.  When all these beliefs come together we believe in our core that we are unlovable and worse still that we don’t deserve love.  When we fall in love something triggers the feeling that we will be punished for loving and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.   We hold back or shut down and do everything in our power to avoid feeling.  Better to feel numb or be callous than to be vulnerable.

Loss of Love

With Shamanism these core beliefs are dismantled and re-written.  You heal every trauma and story until you are finally able to find your way back to Self-Love.  Once you realize that your ability to love yourself heals all these core beliefs you can step back into innocence, authenticity, trust and LOVE... 

Love & Light

2018, Exit Stage Left...

For some of us it is good riddance!  Yes I know, for many of us 2018 was a rough year.  2018 seemed more chaotic than usual and nothing worked out the way we planned… or very little anyway.  I would like to just speak to 2018 and it’s energy one last time so bear with me.

We saw the #metoo and other feminist movements and agenda’s being brought to the forefront in 2018.  So much so that we could be lead to believe that 2018 was about healing the Feminine but that could not be further from the truth.  We saw prominent men brought to their knees last year.  We saw other men reaching out and speaking across the divide that separates the feminine and the masculine. 

2018 was the beginning of the shift of the Masculine Collective.  The old masculine paradigm is an energy that is no longer Universally tolerated.  As with any shift there is pain but only if we hang onto the old ways.  The men who were brought down were the pillars that held up the old paradigm and one by one they have been falling and will continue into 2019 but with more subtlety.

The unfortunate thing is that many people only saw the “angry Feminine” as the face of the year but these women were the catalysts for the Masculine shift.   Without their action the outdated masculine would continue to prevail.  It was about balancing the “me” and “we”.

Armed with this information reflect on your own 2018.  How were you able to bridge the gap in your own relationships with the opposite sex?  I know that there were shifts with my relationships with my sons mostly due to the fact that they softened.  The shift however was not without chaos and conflict in the first part of the year as I set boundaries and they pushed back.  As the year continued and ego’s, mine and theirs, let go of how we thought it should be and healed rifts I saw a gentle shift towards a deeper understanding. 

For men who were not ready 2018 was tough, they broke relationships and stepped away from their healing process.  I witnessed a lot of fear response to letting go of the past, although thankfully there was a return to stepping into the new Masculine energy for many, but only after the December Solstice and full Moon which was the ultimate and final shift of the year.

So here we are with 2019 wide open in front of us.  What will it hold and where are we heading as a collective consciousness?  Only time will tell…

Love & Light!

4 Truths about Healing no-one ever talks about…

Healing is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself however in the midst of the gift are a few hidden truths that you only start to discover once your path is set.

Not everyone cares:

We all feel that we should be supported by the people who love us as we start our journey towards healing.  The truth is though that most people who know you want you to stay the same.  Although hard to believe it is because they know your triggers and the patterns they run with you.  As you start to heal your past you change and that can be scary for some.  The usual patterns no longer apply and they will start to lose control over you.  Co-dependent relationships it will become harder to maintain and will become an issue for you and the other person.

You will lose friends:

Friends will starts to drift away as you change.  You will find more and more that you lose contact with old friends that don’t see the change in you as positive.  Additionally you will find that you don’t have the same things in common anymore.  As your vibration increases you will naturally let go of relationships that don’t serve you. There is a positive side here though, those who do support your change will stay and their vibrations will increase as well.

You will fail – many times:

There will be days where your one-point will shift, your emotions will rule as they did before and the “itty bitty shitty committee” in your mind will run wild.  However the good news here is that as you heal you will be able to return to a neutral state quicker.  Don’t get discouraged when you feel as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back, you are not truly, we continually come back to the things we thought we knew to gain a deeper understanding.  Also an unhealed pain or pattern will keep showing up in your life until it is healed.  The Universe gives us many opportunities to heal all the triggers and pain patterns we run in our lives.  Healing takes determination and strength of will.

Change is difficult:

Staying the same is so much easier than healing that it could be tempting to give up.  You already know everything about your life and changing takes you into the unknown.  The unknown is a place where nothing you do can be anticipated.  You don’t know how you will respond to anything and everyday will be a balancing act between the past, present and even the future as you start to speculate what the next test will be.  However we know that pain is a great motivator for moving forward as long as you move through the fear of what the unknown might look like.  The trick is to remain in the present and deal only with one thing at a time.  Baby steps…

Even though these truths seem challenging healing is still the best thing you can for yourself.  Imagine a life where you feel balanced and whole.  Imagine a life where remembering the past is painless and new challenges are dealt with courageously without causing blame or shame.   It is all worth it because in the end you get to SHINE….

Love & Light

The Spiral of Deeper Understanding...

It is interesting how you find answers to questions in the most unlikely places.  This past weekend I was a vendor at the Toronto Pagan Pride Day.  Many people visited my table and asked questions about Paganism and the workshops I offer.  Then someone asked me a very interesting question. “Why did you study Shamanism if you are a Pagan at heart?”  I paused for a minute, and then a reply just poured from my lips.  I studied Shamanism because I needed to heal. 

So, why did I need to heal?  As I spoke to this person I realized that I have always manifested successfully throughout my life.  Except what I manifested was not always for my greater good.  There were times when I got what I wanted and the victory felt hollow.  When this happened I would simply go on to the next thing and not really think about it, but something was missing.

When I started practicing Paganism I found that my manifesting got even stronger.  I would put in my intent and work at manifesting the dream.  However there were times that the quote; “be careful what you wish for” was apt.  Often I would be perplexed by what I received, it was what I intended but not exactly how I had envisioned it, I always felt a slight disappointment wanting more.

Then one night I had a prophetic dream and I was called to Shamanism.  At the time I didn’t give it a second thought just asked around and found a teacher.  That was it, I made the commitment to study and become a Shamanic Practitioner.  Still there was no correlation between Shamanism and Paganism. I never questioned why.

And then this person asked me why and it became crystal clear.  Healing helped me clean up my thoughts.  I realized that the reason I wasn’t clearly manifesting what I intended before was because my thoughts weren’t clear, and when your thoughts aren’t clear your intending certainly can’t be.

So there I was at a Pagan Pride Day and suddenly it all came together and made perfect sense.  The Goddess sent me to follow a healing path so that I could heal and change the way I thought, felt and saw the world.  She then called me back when I was ready.  Now the world is open to me, I have a better understanding of the unknown.  I have done ceremonies that have shifted my perception of who I am and how I move through this world.  Because my dreaming has strengthened my manifesting is more on point.  I am so grateful for all the Magic that moves through my life and through me and for all the healing.  I know the rest of my life is going to be the best of my life as I manifest all that resonates with my Path and my Soul.

It makes perfect sense to me to weave Paganism and Shamanism together in such a way that they support each other.  To teach Magic that supports the Souls Journey and Healing that supports clear thoughts, dreaming and strong intending.  Wow that is a potent path of Manifesting the life we deserve.

Life is a spiral not a straight line. We continually come back to the things we thought we understood so that we can get a deeper understanding…

In Beauty 

Are we failing new Pagans?

I witnessed something last weekend that terrified me.  This may sound somewhat dramatic but I felt overwhelmed by the energy in the room.  I went to the psychic fair.  Mostly we had a wonderful time, I had a great palm and tarot reading by Johanna and I found a beautiful new leather bound book to record my own sacred text and Spells (Grimoire). 

We decided to go listen to one of the speakers.  The talk we wanted to hear was on Aura photography.  I know what an Aura is and I know the significance, how to clear and expand it but it is not my field of study so finding out about how it is photographed and read sounded fascinating.  Well, that’s when things went wrong…

The speaker spent all of three minutes on Aura’s and then launched into talking about curses and vows and that is a subject I know something about.   If that had been what I signed up for no problem but it was not.  The speaker asked the people in the room to stand up and renounce any vows and curses that they may have made in this lifetime and others.  Typically this would not be a problem if you have explained the consequences and had people had time to work through the karmic repercussions of such an act, but none were.  It was simply, stand up and repeat after me...  That was eye opening and in my opinion reckless.

Then the audience started asking questions and that is when I became horrified. Some of the questions revealed that people have been using magic and ancient ways without any concept of the consequences of their actions.  They are dabbling with energies that they don’t comprehend or respect.  One of the attendees spoke of how she had used a voodoo doll and now was wondering if she should just burn it in an effort to reverse what she had done.  There was no understanding of the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  People are just going onto the internet and downloading stuff and doing it!  It is like a Pagan Porn fest out there!

So I ask the Old Guard, those of us who have stood at the gateway to the unknown and studied our Craft intensively, what do we do?  How do we reach more people and help them understand Magic the Ancient Ways and the Old Goddesses and Gods?  How do we teach the Old Ways in such a way that people respect and revere it?   We have to find ways to reach people and teach them about the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  It is wonderful that people are waking up but we need them to wake up in the light.  So let’s get out there and teach, guide and lead.  It is for us to do…

Love & Light

4 Characteristics that show you are a catalyst for others.

Have you found that people who are right in the midst of a personal struggle will gravitate to you and that your energy seems to guide them through their crisis?  Well that may mean that you are a catalyst of other people’s healing.

I am not referring to the daily healing work I do as a practitioner. No, I am talking about a much deeper personal and emotional healing done in a one-to-one relationship.  

I am looking at why I get drawn into these situations.   With my own experiences I have found that the following traits and behaviors attract the people who are in need of a catalyst to make life changing decisions:

Authenticity

After years of working on myself I have come to a place in my life where I feel truly authentic.   I don’t feel judged by anyone because I don’t care what others think and I don’t judge others.  The saying “What other people think of you is none of your business” resonates with me at a conscious and unconscious level.  This authenticity leads to ease in my dealings with others and makes them feel comfortable to share their secrets.

Intensity

I live my life with an intensity that is seldom matched in people around me.  Other people who resonate the same become close friends and in these cases there is no energy loss on either side.  The ones who don’t vibrate at the same rate find my intensity and energy acts like a catalyst for them.  They draw from this and use it to spark change in their own lives.  In most cases this is not a problem because I have learnt how to protect myself from energy vampires.

Heart Connection

My heart is open to my community, my friends and my family.  My heart is generally open in this way.  I do however keep my heart hidden in a relationship until something happens that triggers a happy memory and allows me to open it.  Once that happens I am 100% present and engaged.   I don’t play games well, so I avoid them.  I am either in or out there is no in between.  This trait often makes the other person feel safe and then they start to engage at a deeper level.  There are times they run because they are just not ready.  When they run I struggle to just let it be at first but I soon see the wisdom

Enthusiasm

I am nothing if not enthusiastic.  I have a passion for life and I don’t play small.  I have lived most of my life taking risks and laughing at most of the consequences.  My motto, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry and that won’t solve anything.  So I choose to laugh.  If doesn’t hurt less but it is more bearable and affords me the grace to hold my head up and laugh with others at my crazy life.  People who need to feel protected when taking a risk notice this.  They draw energy from me to step into the unknown.

Do you have the same traits?  For me it isn’t always easy… sometimes I invest and find that I am left asking what went wrong.  Does this happen to you?  Have you been left wondering how come you have been squeezed dry? 

Here is what I know; you have far more reserves than you think.  You will always return stronger than before.  You will recover quickly as long as you are never a victim.  Perhaps it is yours to do but remember you always have a choice.

I realize quickly that I choose my path and that there is power in every choice I make.  Life is glorious and we should all live it to the fullest, even if it means taking risks and laughing in the face of despair.

Choose wisely…

Love & Light

Mistakes…. Four things they taught me.

I have enjoyed mine so much I think I will go make a few more!  As part of the healing process I have been scratching around in the events that I considered to be the muck of my life’s journey.  What I discovered is that these moments are the actual true moments of power.  They taught me valuable life lessons.

1. We don’t always get what we want.

We all dream our dreams and make our plans but in the end we receive what is most in alignment with our Souls journey.  Interestingly enough when you look back you will notice that what you did receive was actually spot on!  It often allows for future growth and new ideas.  If I had got what I wanted ten years ago I wouldn’t even be here or in this stage of my development.  It may have been possible but this journey has proved to be exactly what my Soul needed.  I had to break quite a few things to get here though…

2.  Ushers in a new understanding.

To my point of breaking things, the only way I have found that you can bring in a new understanding is by breaking the old way.  Mistakes force you to see where the crack is and allows for a paradigm shift.   Without the events that I consider to be my mistakes I would not have made that connection.  They served a vital role in uncovering my bullshit!

3.  Don’t hang onto them.

Whatever you do don’t hang onto your so-called mistakes.  Everything has a reason, nothing is random and we are all connected.  We are just acting on what we know at the time, and sometimes that just isn’t enough information but we don’t know what we don’t know.  Sometimes we take action based on a projection of what we want our lives to be, not what really is. 

4.  What is.

Mistakes push us to see life as it really is, all of the beauty and the warts.  Once we master the willingness to stop hiding behind our masks, our projections and our fears a new world unfolds and we can finally see the path of our journey. 

Once again this past weekend I witnessed the letting go by courageous people, each in their own space doing their work.  I tip my hat to all of us who won’t give up; we who plug away at our individual darkness in order to heal the human consciousness of our time and herald in the 5^th World.  HAIL!

Love & Light

And I'm Feeling Good...

Finally all the little deaths I have had the last few years are starting to make sense.  Many of you have heard me talk about a twenty seven year cycle and how we move through it.  Within that cycle I also see another six/seven year cycle for me.  There is always a significant change in my life on that six/seven year cycle.  This last shift that has coincided with my twenty seven year cycle has been life altering… again.

These moments are often marked by a loss.  It may be a lost love or a financial loss, death or perhaps a loss of joy but there is always a loss.  What I have learnt about loss is you need to allow yourself to feel it.  I have found so many people who don’t want to face their pain; they believe that all negativity should be shunned like a leper.  What they are missing out on is learning the full lesson of the series of events and integrating those lessons.

Now that doesn’t mean that you indulge in self-pity and wallow in the loss.  It means that you allow yourself to feel it.  Then you work with the loss to understand the lesson.  You keep working with it and you keep delving deeper and deeper until the full meaning is revealed.  You do this with optimism, sobriety, humour and determination.  If you don’t you could be on a slippery slope to depression and illness and that doesn’t serve you.

My second twenty seven year cycle ended with loss.  For the last three years I have been working it and I also finally made a few vital changes that have allowed me to fully move on.  I feel like a butterfly that is no longer in a glass jar.  Funny thing is, my circumstances have not changed.  I have worked through all the death and change since I stepped into my third, twenty seven year cycle and now I am ready to seek new adventure and find a new edge. 

It started with the simple act of self-care.  This included cleaning up my eating habits and getting back to gym.  My energy levels are up and I am feeling an increase in my life force, sexual energy which has been totally out of whack since menopause (another loss that needed to be understood).   As we know when sexual energy improves so does your ability to manifest and I can feel it awaken after years of sluggishness.

Now I stand at the edge of my Crone years with all the wisdom I have gathered.  I have a new understanding of life and what is important.  I am filled with gratitude.  Sometimes I am even able to hold onto that joy in the midst of the trivial irritants that happen daily and sometimes I grind my teeth and swear, but it’s all good because...

I’m feeling good….

Love & Light

What's In My Blood....

The mystery of my ancestry has been on my mind for a long time.  I have been delving into my past and I have successfully traced my Fathers family tree back to the ancestor who immigrated to South Africa in 1694. My Mothers tree has not been that easy but I am not going to give up, I will continue to poke around.  Recently I had my DNA tested to see where I come from. The results were a mixture of "Yes I guessed that" and "Wow...really?" It has given me a deeper understanding of myself. 

As an Afrikaner I have always prided myself on the fact that I have no English blood, wrong… turns out I have quite a bit of ancestry from Great Britain.  Not Anglo-Saxon but rather Celts that stayed north of Hadrian’s Wall. To be expected – Western Europe, Nederland, Belgium and Germany is next and then Scandinavian and Eastern Europe.  The most surprising result is that there is 10% European Jewish, Ashkenazi ancestry.  So what did I find out – I am definitely of European decent!  Of course that is nothing new.

What I have uncovered is that I have expanded my view of who I am.  Basically I am a Celt because they were everywhere.  Now we think of Celts being in Scotland and Ireland but initially it was the whole area and they moved around a lot. Then of course the Vikings came and things shifted again.  I am exploring all of these pieces. I am researching their traditions, art and music and it is giving me a complete picture of myself.  I feel it also explains the unyielding spirit of my people.

It has been an interesting journey.  I think everyone should have their DNA tested it teaches you so much about yourself.   Another bonus, it adds so many new vacation destinations.

A more esoteric reason for doing this work is; if you believe in past lives then you are your own ancestor and I am searching back for a link to the past lives that have the strongest influence on this lifetime.  From the previous past life work I have done there are a number of lives that are impacting this one (in many of them I was an inhabitant of early Europe). Those deja vu moments of forgotten memories that stir when you do something you believe to be for the first time but it feels like it is not.   For me an example of this is that I decided to teach myself the Bodhran.  The day I picked it up I found I could play it – not with much finesse mind you – but I could play it.  Where did that come from?  Is it a memory from a past life?  Now I am working on honing this skill.

There is so much that lies hidden in our memories and in our blood… Is it time for you to explore yours?

Goodbye 2016

For many of us the end of 2016 can’t come quick enough.  Personally this has been a better year for me. The beginning was a touch chaotic but it quickly settled down into what could be described as tad monotonous.  The monotony was needed though, as I have required time to re-calibrate my life.  April 2014 was the end of my second twenty seven year Karmic cycle and since then I have been in the throes of cleaning up any Karmic debris and searching for a New Dream to make itself known.  So many things came to an end in this time and all the shifts have opened up so much space for new things to step forward.   I feel re-invented and it feels oddly natural reminding me that I have been re-inventing myself my whole life.   

At this time I usually look at the list that I created at the beginning of the year of the thing I wanted to do.  Guess what I didn’t do them all, of my list of seven things I did five… not too bad but the list was small this year.  Also these five things were just really about maintaining what was already happening.  The two I didn’t start, well they were new so I get it, this was not the time for new… only maintaining. I had to keep my focus very narrow. 

Now, it has been completely different for us as a human collective.  This year has shaken loose the dark underbelly of our nature.  The chaos that has risen up around us has been difficult to deal with at times.  The more vulnerable the people the more it was felt.  The violence and anger has been spilling out across the world driven by hatred and a separation from each other.   We have started to concentrate on the things that make us different rather than the things that are universally the same for all human beings.   With the rise of Trump and with Brexit it will not end anytime soon unfortunately.

I have to say that although I was hoping for a different outcome I knew there couldn’t be one.  This outcome, no matter how uncomfortable, is the better one.  We must remember that we were made for these times.  Each of us volunteered at a Soul level to be here and to do healing work, to stand up for the weak and push back at the darkness.  The question is – will we find the courage to stand our ground?  It is not going to be a time for apathy, each one of us will have to speak the unspeakable and stand by our conviction because as we all know…

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke

Love & Light

Ceremony ~ Good for the Soul.

Last year two years I missed the Ceremonial Weeklong and I didn’t think anything of it until I went to this year’s weeklong.  As soon as I stepped on the land I just knew it was time… time to clear, forgive and work on strengthening my connection to Spirit. 

This year I wasn’t there to only work on myself but rather to lead others in their ceremony and I felt honoured to do so.  It was such a journey to see people arriving feeling tired and torn apart by whatever they were struggling with, and then at the end of the week witness the transformation!

I did however find some time to do my own ceremony.  I made an Inner Circle of Law Shield based on my values and principles. First I had to find those values and principles and I spent most of one day outside being chased by the Sun (as I moved to stay in the shade) reflecting and asking questions in each of the directions on the wheel.  Once I had these I could make the shield.  As I am not the greatest artist in the world I decided to use symbols to represent my Inner Circle.  Boy was I nervous when I had to make that first mark on the leather! I bound thin branches together for the frame.  I love the end result and it will hang on my wall.  This shield is a reminder of my values and principles and looking at it makes me determined to uphold them, especially when I can feel myself slipping into my “little ego” and fear.

Healing is one of the most difficult and at the same time most fulfilling things you can do.  It takes enormous courage, as the first step is to step away from fear and the patterns it keeps you in.  It is customary for the people we support during the weeklong to give us something in return.  We call it a “Heart Gift” and it can be anything.  I want to share the heart gift one of the young men I supported gave me.  He and I had our moments and some strong words were spoken because I would not let him slip into self-pity or sabotage himself.  He was there to heal and on my watch I wasn’t going leave him unchallenged!

This poem he wrote for me… it is his gift:

Gaze of the Ancients

Joy like a Child

Fierce, Independent

Mother o’ the Wild

Silver in Shadow

A Lunar Cocoon

Wolf Call o’ Wisdom

Light of the Moon

Written by: J

Empaths – what are you doing in my space?

I know, I just pissed a lot of people off but I think it is a question that begs asking.  I am worn out by the expressed self-pity of empaths.  What is an empath anyway?  The dictionary says: “A person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.”

Really, did I give you permission to step into my circle and “feel” my mental or emotional state? I don’t think so!  Surely my thoughts, feelings and emotions are mine to feel and own and not to be randomly high jacked by another.  What really annoys me on top of it all is that the empath will then take my angst or fears as their own; take it on and wear it like a cloak, all the time bemoaning how horrid it is to feel other people’s stuff.  Well enough then – DON’T!  I have not given you permission in the first place!

Let’s get one thing straight, this is not a paranormal ability.  Every person I know has the ability to feel what another is feeling and feel empathy for another.  Some choose not to use their ability at all and remain quietly asleep. Others don’t give a damn and disregard everyone’s feelings but their own.  That doesn’t mean they can’t, they just don’t want to.  Perhaps sociopaths and psychopaths feel nothing at all – but they are not most people, then again one could argue that they feel everything and that it is exactly this ability that makes them such skilled manipulators.

Most people will feel empathy for others when faced with their sadness or grief, this is normal.  So what is the difference you ask?  The difference is that most people will not be so presumptive as to tell you that they can feel your feelings better than you can.

Empaths that can’t go to busy places with a lot of people, or the one crying in a crowd… you need to find a way to ground yourself.  Perhaps look at ways that you can protect yourself from the onslaught of other people’s feelings.  I know it must be very confusing and chaotic.  Do you feel it makes you special and different and is this feeling of "specialness" stopping you from holding your space? Is there a different way your gift can be applied where you don’t have to be crushed by all that is going on around you? If as you say it is such a burden to bear it might be time to find a way to tone it down.  There really is no need for you to absorb my feelings or anyone else’s.

Personally I feel deep empathy for people. Let me add that this has not always been so. It is only after my awakening and starting to heal that I have been able to open up enough.  As a person who works with people working on their personal growth it is a requirement.  However, I have their permission and it is in a safe controlled environment.  When I go out into the world, I go with an open heart but a protected Soul.  I keep my fibers to myself and don’t impose my luminosity, feelings or presence.  And I don’t want anyone doing that to me…

Love & Light

Are you ready for Love?

When I first came up with this topic I started to sing Bad Company “Ready for love” then came “Crazy little thing called love” Queen then “Thing called love” Bonnie Raitt and on and on. I don’t think there is a topic in the universe that has been written or sung about more. Then why is it that it eludes so many?

We are obsessed with love as a species. Everything we do is in some way connected to finding that one person in the world that will love us unconditionally. We scour the earth for him or her thinking that somehow we will find true happiness. But many won’t and don’t… why?

Because love is not something that you can find, love is inside you. Happiness is not something that someone else can give you, no matter how much they love you. Happiness comes from within and is locked up in “LOVE OF SELF”!

If you are unable to love and accept yourself you will be unable to love and accept anyone else. And how do you get to that place of self-acceptance? There is only one way – and that is to heal all past hurt.

Unhealed all you will do is be triggered by the past and it will dictate how you react and respond to all the people around you. The past will always give you exactly what you don’t want; if you were abandoned you might be needy and this makes the person you are in a relationship with run in most cases. Even if he or she stays you could end up in a co-dependent relationship perhaps the other person has a need to control and bam the relationship is out of balance or even toxic.

If your trust has been shattered will you be able to truly open your heart and allow someone else to see into you? That is what intimacy means, “in-to-me-see”.  Or will you always hold a little back, just in case, to protect yourself?

So I ask again, are you ready for love? Have you healed the dark recesses of your mind? Have you let go of the pain of past hurt? Take a minute and ask not just your brain but your soul if you are.

Until you have done your own self-discovery and found out who you are at the deepest level and learned to love yourself you are only starching the surface of finding love. If you can’t love yourself unconditionally how can someone else? That doesn’t mean that you won’t from time to time slip into old patterns and act out in fear, but you will catch it before it is too late and be able to hold on to the best relationship in your life, the one with yourself… then all others will follow.

But all is not lost!  Occasionally we are lucky and we find that one person who is happy to help us unpack our baggage and burn the shit we don't need.  So keep your head up your eyes open, do your work and never let go of hope...

Love & Light

What Are You Thinking?

Today I am speaking to you about something you already know. However knowing and practicing is two different things.

Your Thoughts Are Your Most Powerful Tool!

We all know that we need to watch out thoughts for they become our reality but many of us have problems with keeping our focus. With awareness I have found that I hear my thoughts clearly now, and sometimes they are still disturbing.  

Have you ever done something seemingly and innocently silly, like go to the bank when you know it is probably going to be busy, say a Friday afternoon at four o'clock?  Of course you have.  I did that just the other day. I became aware that I was berating myself in my mind for being stupid for going to the bank at that time.  I was literally lashing out at myself.   Whoa... what was that about?

In my case it goes back to that feeling that I am constantly under pressure to get things done fast and efficiently.  What a load of BS!  At some stage I even convinced myself that taking lunch was a waste of time and you can imagine what that has done to my self-care over the years. Even though I am so aware of the problem I still struggle daily with this pressure that I put on myself.  Yes - there is the crux of the matter, what I do to myself! 

Here are a few tips that I use to keep working at it:

Second Attention:  I am always aware of my thoughts by placing my second attention on them.

Listening to my body: I stop what I am doing as soon as I feel tension in my body because it means that I am starting to put pressure on myself.

Gentleness: I treat myself gently and remind myself all day that I just need to be present. There is no rush.

Patience: I must have patience. I built this backbreaking thought pattern and habit over many years and it can't be broken in one day.  

Compassion: I must have compassion for me when I don't get it right.  Healing is a process.

So, this year I will continue to break down and through this thought barrier.  I do everything with second attention on my thoughts.  I remind myself over and over in a day that what I am currently doing is important and that I have all the time in the world to complete it. 

The ultimate goal you ask?  To walk in beauty with neutrality, strength and an open heart...

Love & Light

Loss and grief...

This month I attended the funeral of a young man aged twenty four.  He died in an industrial accident at work.  Even though I did not know him well I know his younger brother very well as he is my youngest son’s best friend.  It was one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to.  It seemed to me that all the young people in our town were touched by this man and his loss in our community is heartfelt and runs deep. He touched many hearts in his short life.

It hit me hard when I saw his Mother whom I also know well.  She had fallen apart and could hardly speak.  Her grief was tangible.  She cried against my shoulder and all I could do was hold her.  I knew my words would sound hollow so I just held her and allowed her grief to flow through me.

I have been to many a young person’s funeral - my own brother in-law died at around the same age and many friends were lost when I was young.  Even though I remember being there for my sister I don’t recall being so affected by the pain I felt coming in waves off this Mother.  I have never felt another’s grief so acutely. 

I am a Mother to two young men and like this Mother I did everything in my power to keep them safe growing up.  In fact she and I are the only two Mother’s I am aware of that had strict rules in place about where they went, how late they were out and needing to know where they were at all times.  I think that is why she allowed her youngest to hang out at my house.  It seems so ironic that we raised them with such care only to have this terrible accident happen.  But I guess that’s life… and that is why we need to live every day to the fullest. 

I believe the reason I felt the grief so deeply is because I know that anything can happen at any time; there but for the grace of Spirit go I.  We have children for various reasons but mostly because it is in our very DNA to continue our blood line.  Our children are the manifestation of our belief that life is sacred, our insurance policy that we shall live forever through our seven generations. 

Here is what I know.  Looking at that Mother I don’t think all our neat boxes about grief will hold water.  There are no stages of grief for her, the so called… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… I saw her go through all of those simultaneously.  I know there is no time period for grief and everyone heals at their own pace.  I ask myself; how do you heal from the loss of a child, the loss of the life you carried in your womb and brought into this world with a primal roar. 

What have I learnt?  That death can be a teacher and that no matter what I should count my blessings.  Life is precious and sacred and it needs to be protected at all costs.  I need to ensure that I build a strong bond with my children so there will never be any regrets or unspoken truth between us.  I must open my heart to all around me; a simple smile will heal deep wounds.  Hold space for others and allow them to feel and experience what they need to in order to heal by just being there… no platitudes can make up for compassion felt deeply in silence. 

Lastly… live life with my whole being and make death my friend because it is a beginning not an end….

Love & Light

Integrity

Integrity… for me there is hardly a more powerful word in the English language.  It holds so much power and hope; however it seems sadly lacking in this world.  I have been watching how the world conducts itself, from world leaders, business moguls, celebrities to the average citizen and I have to confess I don’t like what I see most of the time. 

Keeping in mind that we are all human and make mistakes it does seem that there are many that act out every impulse without any thought of the consequences.  I feel they do what they want and as long as they don’t get caught.  It is when they get caught that they really sicken me.  When did apologizing make everything okay?  They stand there looking dejected, some even with tears in their eyes as they plead with us to forgive them.  Why I ask myself did they do it in the first place?  Sure we all make bad judgement calls from time to time… but come on, you can at least own it and take responsibility for it.

There are so many examples in the public world but I see it in my daily life around me, normal people who lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want, when they want it.  They say money is the root of all evil, that isn't true – people are, when their actions to enrich themselves are at the expense of others.

How do you know if you are acting without integrity?  I have searched for the tell-tale signs in my own life.  I have found them very helpful in testing my own integrity as well as others.

1.  It is all about you – your needs come first no matter what! 
2. Your self-esteem is dependent on what others think of you – you say and do anything to remain liked and keep up a front.  You do whatever is needed to stay “in”.
3. You keep secrets – hiding the truth or outright lying to keep up your façade.
4. Your word is not your bond – you break promises.
5. You give in – not standing strong for your principles.

I personally struggle with the last one.  Sometimes I will give in in order to avoid a confrontation.  Every time I don’t speak my truth I am breaking my integrity.  I tell myself that I am picking my battles, but am I really?  Might it just be easier to go with the flow?  I guess I am going to have to sit with that for a while…

Love & Light