Growing Bolder...

Recently a nine year old picture of me came up in my newsfeed.  I was drawn to my youthful look and I think I look stunning (if I say so myself). There is a sparkle in my eyes and a vibrancy that I have nurtured all my life.  This was a photo shoot I promised I would do the year I turned fifty.  This young woman could not be stopped. She went out and wrote two books that year and opened a practice the next , her energy was contagious, boundless and inspired.

Now of course the picture of “older me” is not professional.  It was just taken by someone with no filters or photo shop, it is simply me with all my flaws but somehow it speaks more to my essence than the other photo does.

The first photo was taken before my healing journey began.  I was still finding my way in this world and caught up with things which don’t mean much in the greater scheme of things.  I don’t judge who I was, I simply recognize that I was different.  I love that younger version because she is the one that found the courage to step onto the path of healing and stick to it with a determination and tenacity that only she could have mustered.  She is my HERO!

When I look at the second photo I see a softening and a compassion for myself and others that I know the younger version did not have, she was pretty black or white.  Though that same spark is still present there is a deeper knowing behind my eyes that is brought forth by looking into the depths of your own darkness and making that part of you your ally.  I no longer fear death or change I embrace the fact that nothing stays the same and that it shouldn’t.  If we want relationships or anything else in our lives to last, we have to work at allowing space for our own growth and that of our partners for they also have to evolve.

The older version of me realizes that life is grey and that nothing can be definitive.  She also knows that she knows nothing and that she is constantly learning things about herself and her world.  She is aware that her own darkness will change its shape to fool her into thinking that she’s got it when she really doesn’t and she has learnt to dance with it because there is true healing to be found there.  She has become more joyful and is filled with gratitude for everything she has and everything she has lost, for in that loss she found her strength.

The current version of me has found a way to love unconditionally.  I no longer need a “return” or proof of anyone’s love based on old belief systems that held me hostage.  It is enough that I give love in a way that nurtures and fortifies me and to have healthy boundaries.  I accept the fact that others are not always going to be able to meet my level of intimacy and that’s okay, they may not be ready. I no longer need others for validation of whom I am or who I am becoming.  I love myself deeply.

Believe me when I say this journey is not complete and I look forward to the future me, ten years from now, because I believe that she will change the world around her…

Love & Light

Ever feel you’re Just Not Good Enough?

I am currently studying addiction and how Shamanism can support Addicts to wellness.  During the course we re-visited a particular teaching that really touched me the first time I heard it when I started my Shamanic journey.  I would like to share these with you so that next time you feel unworthy you can recall the beliefs and perhaps change your perspective.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that we all feel unworthy at times.  This feeling stems mostly from our childhood when we experienced a loss of innocence.  Loss of innocence comes in many forms.   An example could be that you are the apple of your parent’s eye and you can do nothing wrong.  Then you start school and perhaps you don’t do very well and for the first time ever your parents show their displeasure.  That simple act of telling you that you didn’t meet their expectations could be the catalyst for some of these core beliefs.

I want to add that there is NO BLAME to be placed on loved ones.  This blog is not about awakening the story of how you were not supported or loved.  It is simply to identify where some of these feelings may stem from and your story begins.  Remember that your parents did the best they could with the tools available to them.   We may not be the ones who initiated the trauma but all our experiences are what we signed up for in the evolution of our Spirit and it is our responsibility to heal it.

Core Belief #1:  I am basically a bad and unworthy person:

Cast your mind back to the first time someone scolded you and told you “You are a bad child”.  Can you recall that feeling?  They may even have added “Go to your room” or “Get out of my sight”.  Many times from our perspective we were not necessarily being “bad” but rather learning and experimenting.  That was your first encounter with conditional love.  There is usually two reactions to this trauma, you act out and become “bad” or you do everything in your power to become worthy of the others love. 

Loss of innocence

Core Belief #2:  No-one would or could love me as I really am:

It becomes clear to us that we are bad and unworthy so we armour and start to wear masks in order to project what we want others to see.  We even have different masks for different people like a chameleon forever matching the colour of the person we are engaging with.  Depending on our personalities we might start telling stories to make ourselves important.   The other side of the coin is self-pity where our story becomes who we are and we tell it to all that will listen in order to feel acknowledged. 

Loss of authenticity

Core Belief #3:  My needs will never be met by others:

As we grow we start to realize that we can’t depend on anyone but ourselves.  We all have experiences where we trusted someone only to be disappointed.  The hurt that strikes the deepest are those around our romantic relationships.  We start to believe that people will always let us down or betray us.  Often we will isolate ourselves.  Sometimes we will create “tests” for people to see if they will abandon us if we push them hard enough, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It becomes a rinse and repeat cycle where our past continually influences our future.

Loss of trust

Core Belief #4: My Addiction is all I need:
Feeding your addiction becomes your most important need to be met.  This doesn't always mean  drugs.  It could even be things that would under normal circumstances be good for us i.e. exercise or food.  As the trigger hits so I need to feed myself with that which makes me feel better.  The stimulant removes the feeling of being worthless temporarily so I continue to return to it.
Loss of connection to Spirit

Core Belief #5:  Sex=Love=Pain

As a Human the greatest gift that we have to offer is Love.  Yet everything in our human experience feels as if that is the one thing we can’t find.  When all these beliefs come together we believe in our core that we are unlovable and worse still that we don’t deserve love.  When we fall in love something triggers the feeling that we will be punished for loving and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.   We hold back or shut down and do everything in our power to avoid feeling.  Better to feel numb or be callous than to be vulnerable.

Loss of Love

With Shamanism these core beliefs are dismantled and re-written.  You heal every trauma and story until you are finally able to find your way back to Self-Love.  Once you realize that your ability to love yourself heals all these core beliefs you can step back into innocence, authenticity, trust and LOVE... 

Love & Light

Bent But Never Broken...

I have bent like a blade of grass in the wind.  When the storm is over I have pulled myself up and risen towards the sun.

I have been hurled against the rocks like the waves of a stormy ocean and I have always found a way to crawl back to dry land moments before drowning.

I have been blown like a grain of sand across the desert floor only to land back on my feet.

I have burned in the fire of my passion and burnt myself out to be resurrected like the Phoenix from the ashes.

I have stood grounded on the earth against the odds like a tree that found the smallest patch of earth to grow in.  I have sent my roots down until they cracked open the barren landscape and created my own destiny.

There have also been times when I have felt like a Lioness that lost too many battles and I just lay down a while to lick my wounds.  Gone quietly within and I have given myself permission to heal and to not let the world make me cold-hearted.  The scars I carry, I carry with pride because they remind me of my survival.

I have shouted at love and said never again!  I have laughed in the face of danger and taken the risk anyway knowing that the risk is worth it.  I have been foolish with my dreams and squandered opportunities but I have also nurtured some like fragile samplings and they have flourished.

Like the Wolf I have hunted my fears and slayed them one by one.  I have realized that it is important to see them for what they really are… an enemy that wishes to keep me small and in me place.

Yes, I have been tested by life.  I have survived many a storm and come out the other side with a few scars but I have always stood up again.

What I know is that the world can be a battlefield but it also holds much beauty because even though it can bash you up against the rocks it can also lift you up so you can ride the wave.  There is an abundance of love in a mothers gaze.  There is protection and warmth by a fathers side.  There is camaraderie in the support of siblings and friends. There is ecstasy in a lovers touch. There is pride and joy as your children succeed and grow.  There is innocence and the promise of tomorrow in a grandchild's eyes.  There is the wisdom of the ancestors as they guide you lovingly to where you have to be.  All these things are worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears you can muster.

I have fought my battles alone and tapped every ounce of my courage.  I vow to never surrender.  I will always stand and fight for what I desire, for my dreams for what I believe in and for those close to me because I know that I can never live my life on my knees…

So Be It!

4 Characteristics that show you are a catalyst for others.

Have you found that people who are right in the midst of a personal struggle will gravitate to you and that your energy seems to guide them through their crisis?  Well that may mean that you are a catalyst of other people’s healing.

I am not referring to the daily healing work I do as a practitioner. No, I am talking about a much deeper personal and emotional healing done in a one-to-one relationship.  

I am looking at why I get drawn into these situations.   With my own experiences I have found that the following traits and behaviors attract the people who are in need of a catalyst to make life changing decisions:

Authenticity

After years of working on myself I have come to a place in my life where I feel truly authentic.   I don’t feel judged by anyone because I don’t care what others think and I don’t judge others.  The saying “What other people think of you is none of your business” resonates with me at a conscious and unconscious level.  This authenticity leads to ease in my dealings with others and makes them feel comfortable to share their secrets.

Intensity

I live my life with an intensity that is seldom matched in people around me.  Other people who resonate the same become close friends and in these cases there is no energy loss on either side.  The ones who don’t vibrate at the same rate find my intensity and energy acts like a catalyst for them.  They draw from this and use it to spark change in their own lives.  In most cases this is not a problem because I have learnt how to protect myself from energy vampires.

Heart Connection

My heart is open to my community, my friends and my family.  My heart is generally open in this way.  I do however keep my heart hidden in a relationship until something happens that triggers a happy memory and allows me to open it.  Once that happens I am 100% present and engaged.   I don’t play games well, so I avoid them.  I am either in or out there is no in between.  This trait often makes the other person feel safe and then they start to engage at a deeper level.  There are times they run because they are just not ready.  When they run I struggle to just let it be at first but I soon see the wisdom

Enthusiasm

I am nothing if not enthusiastic.  I have a passion for life and I don’t play small.  I have lived most of my life taking risks and laughing at most of the consequences.  My motto, if you don’t laugh you’ll cry and that won’t solve anything.  So I choose to laugh.  If doesn’t hurt less but it is more bearable and affords me the grace to hold my head up and laugh with others at my crazy life.  People who need to feel protected when taking a risk notice this.  They draw energy from me to step into the unknown.

Do you have the same traits?  For me it isn’t always easy… sometimes I invest and find that I am left asking what went wrong.  Does this happen to you?  Have you been left wondering how come you have been squeezed dry? 

Here is what I know; you have far more reserves than you think.  You will always return stronger than before.  You will recover quickly as long as you are never a victim.  Perhaps it is yours to do but remember you always have a choice.

I realize quickly that I choose my path and that there is power in every choice I make.  Life is glorious and we should all live it to the fullest, even if it means taking risks and laughing in the face of despair.

Choose wisely…

Love & Light

And I'm Feeling Good...

Finally all the little deaths I have had the last few years are starting to make sense.  Many of you have heard me talk about a twenty seven year cycle and how we move through it.  Within that cycle I also see another six/seven year cycle for me.  There is always a significant change in my life on that six/seven year cycle.  This last shift that has coincided with my twenty seven year cycle has been life altering… again.

These moments are often marked by a loss.  It may be a lost love or a financial loss, death or perhaps a loss of joy but there is always a loss.  What I have learnt about loss is you need to allow yourself to feel it.  I have found so many people who don’t want to face their pain; they believe that all negativity should be shunned like a leper.  What they are missing out on is learning the full lesson of the series of events and integrating those lessons.

Now that doesn’t mean that you indulge in self-pity and wallow in the loss.  It means that you allow yourself to feel it.  Then you work with the loss to understand the lesson.  You keep working with it and you keep delving deeper and deeper until the full meaning is revealed.  You do this with optimism, sobriety, humour and determination.  If you don’t you could be on a slippery slope to depression and illness and that doesn’t serve you.

My second twenty seven year cycle ended with loss.  For the last three years I have been working it and I also finally made a few vital changes that have allowed me to fully move on.  I feel like a butterfly that is no longer in a glass jar.  Funny thing is, my circumstances have not changed.  I have worked through all the death and change since I stepped into my third, twenty seven year cycle and now I am ready to seek new adventure and find a new edge. 

It started with the simple act of self-care.  This included cleaning up my eating habits and getting back to gym.  My energy levels are up and I am feeling an increase in my life force, sexual energy which has been totally out of whack since menopause (another loss that needed to be understood).   As we know when sexual energy improves so does your ability to manifest and I can feel it awaken after years of sluggishness.

Now I stand at the edge of my Crone years with all the wisdom I have gathered.  I have a new understanding of life and what is important.  I am filled with gratitude.  Sometimes I am even able to hold onto that joy in the midst of the trivial irritants that happen daily and sometimes I grind my teeth and swear, but it’s all good because...

I’m feeling good….

Love & Light

Loss and grief...

This month I attended the funeral of a young man aged twenty four.  He died in an industrial accident at work.  Even though I did not know him well I know his younger brother very well as he is my youngest son’s best friend.  It was one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to.  It seemed to me that all the young people in our town were touched by this man and his loss in our community is heartfelt and runs deep. He touched many hearts in his short life.

It hit me hard when I saw his Mother whom I also know well.  She had fallen apart and could hardly speak.  Her grief was tangible.  She cried against my shoulder and all I could do was hold her.  I knew my words would sound hollow so I just held her and allowed her grief to flow through me.

I have been to many a young person’s funeral - my own brother in-law died at around the same age and many friends were lost when I was young.  Even though I remember being there for my sister I don’t recall being so affected by the pain I felt coming in waves off this Mother.  I have never felt another’s grief so acutely. 

I am a Mother to two young men and like this Mother I did everything in my power to keep them safe growing up.  In fact she and I are the only two Mother’s I am aware of that had strict rules in place about where they went, how late they were out and needing to know where they were at all times.  I think that is why she allowed her youngest to hang out at my house.  It seems so ironic that we raised them with such care only to have this terrible accident happen.  But I guess that’s life… and that is why we need to live every day to the fullest. 

I believe the reason I felt the grief so deeply is because I know that anything can happen at any time; there but for the grace of Spirit go I.  We have children for various reasons but mostly because it is in our very DNA to continue our blood line.  Our children are the manifestation of our belief that life is sacred, our insurance policy that we shall live forever through our seven generations. 

Here is what I know.  Looking at that Mother I don’t think all our neat boxes about grief will hold water.  There are no stages of grief for her, the so called… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… I saw her go through all of those simultaneously.  I know there is no time period for grief and everyone heals at their own pace.  I ask myself; how do you heal from the loss of a child, the loss of the life you carried in your womb and brought into this world with a primal roar. 

What have I learnt?  That death can be a teacher and that no matter what I should count my blessings.  Life is precious and sacred and it needs to be protected at all costs.  I need to ensure that I build a strong bond with my children so there will never be any regrets or unspoken truth between us.  I must open my heart to all around me; a simple smile will heal deep wounds.  Hold space for others and allow them to feel and experience what they need to in order to heal by just being there… no platitudes can make up for compassion felt deeply in silence. 

Lastly… live life with my whole being and make death my friend because it is a beginning not an end….

Love & Light