Don't look back... You are not going that way!

The other day I had to go drop my son off in my old neighbourhood to pick up his car.  I drove by my old house.  Suddenly I was struck by a deep sense of sadness and loss.  I thought I had dealt with the grief of losing so much so I found it surprising that I should have such a visceral reaction to seeing my old home. Then it hit me… the sense of failure that is connected to that loss.  I felt that everything I had worked for over the last decades of my life was squandered and I had no-one but myself to blame.

Unconsciously every so called failure I had ever suffered came to the forefront.  People who know me know that I don’t dwell in the place of self-pity so I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I had to deal with this sense of failure so I worked with my altar, I asked the Gods and Spirit for answers.  Frankly I asked every God I knew to give me insight into this feeling of failure, loss and grief.  The answers did not come immediately but over the last couple of week they did come… slowly but surely.

I’m living from a place of SCARCITY:

In my everyday lately, even though I have more than enough I act as if I am down to my last resources.  We all know that you reap what you sow and I have been sowing lack.  As I go through my day I look to what I don’t have instead of what I have in abundance.  I have never gone to bed hungry or slept outside (glamping excluded) or not had the means to care for myself and mine.  I have always had an innate trust in myself and the Universe that it would provide. I need to go back to that space of trust and innocence that all will be well.

I’m coming from a place of FEAR:

Fear is taking up a big part of my daily thought process.  I ask myself questions like: How will I survive when I get old? Will I be alone? Where will I live? How will I eat? I need a new car… What if I lose my job?  And so it carries on and on… the constant reminder of what I could lose.  Why am I living in the future and causing myself so much anxiety?  Surely I know that what I do today will be the foundation for what happens tomorrow… but do I really?  I did everything right and still I have very little to show for it.  Once again I have to center myself and ground.  Do these material things matter?  Yes they do but not as a validation of who I am.  I can own absolutely nothing but still find joy in the sparkle in my Grandchildren’s eyes, in my Son’s laughing and growing into wonderful men.  I have nothing to fear, the future will take care of itself I must take care of now and live only in the moment.

I have made my world SMALL:

I have put my life on hold.  I have confined myself to the four walls of my office.  Why… because I don’t want to lose what I have.  I can’t lose what I have it is already gone and that which has stayed is more than I can ever need plus I have the love of my family and friends.  Each day I lock myself up in this room I lose a piece of myself and my world gets smaller.  I have some deep decisions to make. I need to define my next incarnation.  I have started asking myself questions such as; what is important to me and what am I here to do?  I need to clear my path and make plans to walk it fully and with conviction.  I need to start dreaming…

As I work with all these feelings I have noticed a small voice and it is getting louder each day.  That young woman I once was and still am, the one that I silenced so that I could fit in, is making herself heard.  The young woman that wanted to see the world and experience life fully and that made choices to stay in one place as to not disappoint.  Her free spirit is growing and her voice is becoming a roar in my ears.

What is she saying?  You are FREE!  In the words of Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin immortalized “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose”.  I can never lose the love of the people who love me; that I know for a fact.  There is nothing else to lose expect my Soul if I continue to ignore the roar.  Therefore I will strike scarcity, fear and playing it small from my thoughts and I will breathe in breathe out… no fear no doubt.

There is a vast ocean of knowledge and experiences out there. I will start to investigate do my research and prepare.  The time is not 100% right… I know this instinctively but it is close…

And I'm Feeling Good...

Finally all the little deaths I have had the last few years are starting to make sense.  Many of you have heard me talk about a twenty seven year cycle and how we move through it.  Within that cycle I also see another six/seven year cycle for me.  There is always a significant change in my life on that six/seven year cycle.  This last shift that has coincided with my twenty seven year cycle has been life altering… again.

These moments are often marked by a loss.  It may be a lost love or a financial loss, death or perhaps a loss of joy but there is always a loss.  What I have learnt about loss is you need to allow yourself to feel it.  I have found so many people who don’t want to face their pain; they believe that all negativity should be shunned like a leper.  What they are missing out on is learning the full lesson of the series of events and integrating those lessons.

Now that doesn’t mean that you indulge in self-pity and wallow in the loss.  It means that you allow yourself to feel it.  Then you work with the loss to understand the lesson.  You keep working with it and you keep delving deeper and deeper until the full meaning is revealed.  You do this with optimism, sobriety, humour and determination.  If you don’t you could be on a slippery slope to depression and illness and that doesn’t serve you.

My second twenty seven year cycle ended with loss.  For the last three years I have been working it and I also finally made a few vital changes that have allowed me to fully move on.  I feel like a butterfly that is no longer in a glass jar.  Funny thing is, my circumstances have not changed.  I have worked through all the death and change since I stepped into my third, twenty seven year cycle and now I am ready to seek new adventure and find a new edge. 

It started with the simple act of self-care.  This included cleaning up my eating habits and getting back to gym.  My energy levels are up and I am feeling an increase in my life force, sexual energy which has been totally out of whack since menopause (another loss that needed to be understood).   As we know when sexual energy improves so does your ability to manifest and I can feel it awaken after years of sluggishness.

Now I stand at the edge of my Crone years with all the wisdom I have gathered.  I have a new understanding of life and what is important.  I am filled with gratitude.  Sometimes I am even able to hold onto that joy in the midst of the trivial irritants that happen daily and sometimes I grind my teeth and swear, but it’s all good because...

I’m feeling good….

Love & Light

Dying To Make A Change...

The other day I was browsing motivational videos on Youtube and I was struck by how many of the speakers base their life changing insights on near death experiences or dreadful illness that brought them to the brink of death.  I have always found it fascinating that people literally have to die before they make the changes they need to live a fulfilling life. 

What is it about the near death experience that allows us to embrace a new way of life?  My observation is that once you have faced death nothing more can scare you.  All the little fears that your ego dreamt up for you is erased once you have had to face a real fear.  Illness strengthens your courage and your will. 

Here is the thing that really boggles the mind… that near death experience or life alerting illness… you attracted it.  Right about now I can hear the choruses of; “No I didn’t!” but you know in your heart of heart that in some conscious or unconscious way you did.  Illness is the body’s way of making us pay attention!  Just like the sudden accident it forces you to pay attention to your path and what you are here to do.

But there are more subtle signs.  Perhaps you recognize some of them:

An abusive relationship that spirals out of control

Financial problems

Death of a loved one

Divorce

Losing a job

How many of us have made life altering changes after one of these occurrences in our lives? When we are able to make the necessary shift with grace and acceptance we often find that the impacts of these trails are far less than we ever imagined.  It is when we stay stuck in fear, grief and anger that life becomes unbearable.  If we feed the unbearable we attract more of the same.  If we let go and do what we need to do to heal, well then we attract more healing and growth.  If we ignore it all together… well then life throws a brick at us!

What are you prepared to do to make your life altering changes?

Love & Light

All We Need Is Love...

It is said that all we need is love for humanity to be happy and for our lives to have meaning, yet this seems to be one goal we all strive for and hardly ever reach.  In this time of division I have been reflecting on this.  Why do we humans seem so incapable of love?

All Teachers of Light throughout the ages have spoken of Love being the most important thing in this life and that through love we are able to transcend our egos’ because when we love we are thinking of someone else rather than ourselves.  It is also one of the reasons that sacrifice is rewarded in literature, music and history.  Selflessness is seen as a virtue.

So why is it so hard for us to love one another?   Interesting that Jesus said that the commandment second only to loving God is to, “Love thy neighbour as thyself” and it is in this statement that I think the flaw lies.   Most of us don’t love ourselves at all. 

We all live with this dilemma.  Depending on how we were raised we may think that loving ourselves is selfish because we might have been told as kids how selfish and spoiled we were.  Alternatively we might have grown up believing that we are worthless and being told that in many ways, at school and at home.  Most of us are used to conditional love, if you do this for me I will reward you; if you don’t then you will be punished.   Perhaps this is why we love dogs so much.  They don’t want anything from you and they give you all their love unconditionally, even if you don’t feel you deserve it. 

This brings me to an experiment that was done by performance artist Marina Abramovic.  She stood still for six hours and allowed people to do anything to her body without any repercussions.  She removed all responsibilities for their actions.  What's frightening is that it very soon devolved into a sadistic, violent tableau.  Why I wonder, why did people not shower her with affection?  Why all the hate, fear and violence?

So how do we fix this as a society? Buddha said it clearly, “If you see yourself in others, then who can you hurt?”  Yet that won’t help us either if we don’t love ourselves.  We need compassion and empathy for all people not only the ones who are in agreement with us.  It all comes down to healing ourselves so that we can truly love ourselves.  How do we do that?

Forgiveness – we all make mistakes but we have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes of the past.  Mistakes are there to teach and they are part of the journey of life.  Remember that we are only human.

Releasing anger and hurt – if we can bring ourselves to let go of all the hurt and anger that we hold onto we are able to open our hearts.  While we are living with hurt it is impossible for us to allow anyone in.  We always keep them at arm’s length and this leads to separation.

Fear – when people aren’t the same as us we tend to keep them at a distance.  They don’t look, speak or act like us so they must be too different for us to love.  If we can’t heal the fear and distrust of people within ourselves, how are we ever going to change our perspective?  

Love & Light

Let Go...

I think we have spoken about this before but I have learnt more about it. As I watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees I am reminded that letting go of dead things can be beautiful and painless.  This year has been particularly beautiful. I notice people stopping at the side of the road to take pictures trying to capture the beauty.  I also know that it is impossible to capture the intense colours and that it is something that you have to commit to memory.

But let’s get back to letting go.  We all believe that letting go means that we are letting go of the past. Those past hurts and pain that we need to work with so that these things will no longer trigger us in negative ways in our here and now.  Yes this is true, but to do that we have to heal and that is a journey of self-discovery and forgiveness; forgiveness of oneself and others.

I would like to talk about letting go of something more present though.  The daily fear that our little ego’s dream up for us, the reason that our ideas are stillborn because we are too fearful of taking a leap of faith. These are not always huge things it could be as simple as self-care.  Many people put themselves last on the list and inevitably we find when we look into why, that it is because somewhere in their psyche they believe that they don’t deserve better. These negative thought are the serial killers of our happiness.  Those are what we need to let go of. 

We also know that stopping negative thoughts is one of the most difficult things to do, so I can hear you say “HOW?”  It is a process but here is how:

The Triple A approach:

·         Awareness

Once you become aware of the negative thoughts you can do something about it. So the first step is to listen. Listen to your thoughts with a second attention. Are you constantly berating yourself? Are you telling yourself you can’t possibly do something for various reasons? Are you always justifying and trying to explain yourself to yourself and others? If you are this is a cause for anxiety and stress which in some cases can become extreme and debilitating.

·         Assessment

So now that you are hearing the thoughts you must assess them. Take the little ego out of the equation and look at them neutrally.  Is the thought true? For instance “Is it real?” Do you really have to take on another person’s problems?  Are you choosing to make life difficult because that will keep the status quo and you won’t have to take a risk or step into the unknown? Are you not speaking your truth or are you denying yourself happiness because it is easier? Assess the true situation, stop lying to yourself… you deserve more.

·         Action

Now take action. Take a deep breath and change the thought.  “Yes I can, I have the skillset to… make the speech; change the dynamic of a relationship; take a stand and whatever else comes I can deal with the consequences.   

It is understood in Shamanic circles that a single thought lasts for seventy years… yes that is not a typo, seventy years. Think about that for a minute… what are you sowing?

Love & Light

Loss and grief...

This month I attended the funeral of a young man aged twenty four.  He died in an industrial accident at work.  Even though I did not know him well I know his younger brother very well as he is my youngest son’s best friend.  It was one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to.  It seemed to me that all the young people in our town were touched by this man and his loss in our community is heartfelt and runs deep. He touched many hearts in his short life.

It hit me hard when I saw his Mother whom I also know well.  She had fallen apart and could hardly speak.  Her grief was tangible.  She cried against my shoulder and all I could do was hold her.  I knew my words would sound hollow so I just held her and allowed her grief to flow through me.

I have been to many a young person’s funeral - my own brother in-law died at around the same age and many friends were lost when I was young.  Even though I remember being there for my sister I don’t recall being so affected by the pain I felt coming in waves off this Mother.  I have never felt another’s grief so acutely. 

I am a Mother to two young men and like this Mother I did everything in my power to keep them safe growing up.  In fact she and I are the only two Mother’s I am aware of that had strict rules in place about where they went, how late they were out and needing to know where they were at all times.  I think that is why she allowed her youngest to hang out at my house.  It seems so ironic that we raised them with such care only to have this terrible accident happen.  But I guess that’s life… and that is why we need to live every day to the fullest. 

I believe the reason I felt the grief so deeply is because I know that anything can happen at any time; there but for the grace of Spirit go I.  We have children for various reasons but mostly because it is in our very DNA to continue our blood line.  Our children are the manifestation of our belief that life is sacred, our insurance policy that we shall live forever through our seven generations. 

Here is what I know.  Looking at that Mother I don’t think all our neat boxes about grief will hold water.  There are no stages of grief for her, the so called… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… I saw her go through all of those simultaneously.  I know there is no time period for grief and everyone heals at their own pace.  I ask myself; how do you heal from the loss of a child, the loss of the life you carried in your womb and brought into this world with a primal roar. 

What have I learnt?  That death can be a teacher and that no matter what I should count my blessings.  Life is precious and sacred and it needs to be protected at all costs.  I need to ensure that I build a strong bond with my children so there will never be any regrets or unspoken truth between us.  I must open my heart to all around me; a simple smile will heal deep wounds.  Hold space for others and allow them to feel and experience what they need to in order to heal by just being there… no platitudes can make up for compassion felt deeply in silence. 

Lastly… live life with my whole being and make death my friend because it is a beginning not an end….

Love & Light

Integrity

Integrity… for me there is hardly a more powerful word in the English language.  It holds so much power and hope; however it seems sadly lacking in this world.  I have been watching how the world conducts itself, from world leaders, business moguls, celebrities to the average citizen and I have to confess I don’t like what I see most of the time. 

Keeping in mind that we are all human and make mistakes it does seem that there are many that act out every impulse without any thought of the consequences.  I feel they do what they want and as long as they don’t get caught.  It is when they get caught that they really sicken me.  When did apologizing make everything okay?  They stand there looking dejected, some even with tears in their eyes as they plead with us to forgive them.  Why I ask myself did they do it in the first place?  Sure we all make bad judgement calls from time to time… but come on, you can at least own it and take responsibility for it.

There are so many examples in the public world but I see it in my daily life around me, normal people who lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want, when they want it.  They say money is the root of all evil, that isn't true – people are, when their actions to enrich themselves are at the expense of others.

How do you know if you are acting without integrity?  I have searched for the tell-tale signs in my own life.  I have found them very helpful in testing my own integrity as well as others.

1.  It is all about you – your needs come first no matter what! 
2. Your self-esteem is dependent on what others think of you – you say and do anything to remain liked and keep up a front.  You do whatever is needed to stay “in”.
3. You keep secrets – hiding the truth or outright lying to keep up your façade.
4. Your word is not your bond – you break promises.
5. You give in – not standing strong for your principles.

I personally struggle with the last one.  Sometimes I will give in in order to avoid a confrontation.  Every time I don’t speak my truth I am breaking my integrity.  I tell myself that I am picking my battles, but am I really?  Might it just be easier to go with the flow?  I guess I am going to have to sit with that for a while…

Love & Light

I am here...

As some of you might know I mangled my big toe about six weeks ago.  I opened a door right over it so badly that it required eight stitches.  I won’t share the actual event… too gruesome but I do want to share what I learnt from it.  It is completely healed now although it looks funny.

After the first week of dealing with the pain and general discomfort I sat down and asked myself how and why it happened.   How was I responsible for this accident?  I was astounded by what I found.

The first thing that came to mind is that I move at break neck speed!  On that day speed was completely unnecessary.  I had just had a wonderful lunch with my girlfriend there was no need to rush, after all I was only going home so why did I rip the door open with such force? 

Lesson 1:  Slow down!  I am not on fire!

The second thing I learnt was that I am not present.  I am always thinking of the next thing, task that needs to be done. I move from one thing to the next to get things done in the least possible time.  By not being present I miss much of the journey.

Lesson 2:  Be present!  I don’t have to be finished with a task before I have even started.  I need to enjoy the journey.

Self-care takes time is the third thing I learnt.  It can’t be hurried.  Every day I had to clean, wrap and care for my toe.  It required patience and I knew that it would take weeks for it to heal and I wanted to ensure that it healed with absolutely no complications. I was very aware of the risk of infection so I made my own saline solution and cared for it with great tenderness.

Lesson 3:  Be gentle!  Berating myself would not serve my healing process, I had to be gentle with myself giving my body all the time it needed to heal.

The fourth understanding was that I do everything with a sense of urgency as if my life depended on it.  My shoulders are tense; I hold my breath and my energy doesn't flow.  I waste a lot of energy.

Lesson 4: Relax!  Go with the flow and focus my energy in such a way that none of it is wasted.

Finally I learnt that to have true self-care you have to listen to your body.  I know we all say it but do we really?  I know I didn't.  I am very aware of every thought now.  I listen intently and I am starting to distinguish between the messages.  Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, in pain or stressed?

Lesson 5: Listen!  In order to have self-care you have to listen to your body.

And the bonus – I am a WORKAHOLIC!  As I cared for my toe and started to listen to my body I started to hear the nonsense my brain spews out.  I now notice how when I want to care for myself my brain tells me it is a waste of time. 

Making myself something to eat will take me away from my work and is therefore a waste time, is but one of the lies I tell myself.  It is clear that I don’t value my health if making myself something to eat is such a low priority.  I am making a concerted effort to change this thought process.  Awareness is half the battle, so now when I hear it I question my motives.  Is it really a waste of time? The answer always is; “NO IT ISN'T!”  

I am working with the root cause of this ridiculous idea.  I believe it comes from my years as a consultant where I preferred to work through lunch because I wanted to get done, get as many hours as possible and go home.  I remember getting upset with people when they wanted to take lunch – they were wasting my time… Can you believe it?  I never said anything to them though, I just felt frustrated.  Often I would not eat the whole day until I got home basically living on one cup of tea. 

Lesson 6:  Dream!  It is not all about getting things done.  Take time to eat healthy and well.  Get enough sleep.  

This is a work in progress… some days I win and some battles I lose but I am using all the tools in my kit to shift this and I will not give up!

In Beauty,

5 Behaviours That Will Destroy Your Dreams…. EVERYTIME!

Everyone has dreams and it is of no consequence how big those dreams are or how small.  How you approach your dreams either makes them become reality or remain a daydream.  There has to be steps taken for a dream to become reality.  Just waiting for the Universe to bless you will never work, let’s face it – even if you dream of winning the lottery – you still have to buy that ticket!  Of course providence and being in the right place at the right time also comes into play but usually it also means that some type of action was taken to place you in that space. 

Often we will put all our effort into something only for it to not work out.  This happens frequently, however it regularly turns out that something better is just around the corner out of sight.  When this happens you will usually hear “Wow that worked out for the best.”  

The five behaviours I am going to discuss are the ones we use consciously or subconsciously to block our dreams. 

1.  Not Taking Responsibility:

Stop blaming other people for your shit!  Your parents, siblings, husband, girlfriend, boss or co-workers are not responsible for your choices.  We all have histories and we have all made mistakes – so own yours.  You don’t have to take the blame for other peoples choices only your own.  Sometimes we react to circumstances and people in such a way that we sabotage ourselves, a “cut your nose to spite your face” scenario.  Inevitably we have some hand in the circumstances so we have to take a good hard look at our role and take responsibility without judgement of ourselves or others.  You will find that all the drama will evaporate when you deal with the facts leaving you open to heal your wounds.

2.  Not Taking Action:

Procrastination and laziness are dream serial killers.  Talking up a storm about how you are going to make something happen is never going to bring it to fruition, you have to take action!  An example might be that you want to eat better, so you go to the store and buy healthy choices and look for healthy recipes only to flop down on the couch and get take out.  The food rots away in the fridge to be thrown into the garbage.  Of course we have excuses – I was too tired, I had a tough day at work, the kids drove me mad – but none of these are really valid if we value ourselves and our dreams.  Stop allowing excuses and justifications to ruin your dreams, make a commitment to yourself and your dream and take action!

3.  Break From Reality:

Living in the past or in the future will kill your dreams every time.  When we dwell on the past our story is ever present.  Stories stir up emotion and confuse the brain.  We start to project the same outcome as we have had in the past and it forces us to hold onto patterns.  Living in the future is just as destructive it makes us believe that if circumstances would somehow change then we will be happy.  You can however be happy now just by seeing reality for what it is and being grateful for what you have.  Worry has never solved a single problem, only action does and if there is nothing that can be done then acceptance of your reality is all there is.  Upon acceptance you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, your emotions will calm down and your brain will clear opening the door to a new understanding of the problem and a new path to take.

4.  Having No Integrity:

What does integrity mean?  It means to have a quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.  It is a state of being whole and undivided.  Lies will stop dreams in their tracks.  The worst kind is the lies you tell yourself.  All the justifications that we have when we don’t act from a place of integrity cause negative energy around us, within ourselves and with others.  When your word can’t be trusted energy can’t move.  What we think and say is the driving force behind the energy we send out into the universe.  Lies cause chaos!   When we stop lying to ourselves and/or others, energy starts to flow and the universe starts to move in your favour.

5.  Self-Importance / Self-Pity:

Two sides of the same coin.  You can’t have self-pity without self-importance.  This is a difficult concept for most – I know I struggled with it for a while.   Self-importance makes us believe that rules don’t apply to us and that we are entitled.   It is that entitlement that blocks dreams because it makes us believe that we don’t have to put any effort in.  Think about what we call the “Entitled Generation” – they are so used to just getting what they want, often without deserving it that it becomes their nature.  If this behaviour is not rectified it can shift into narcissism and in extreme cases become a disorder.  To clarify I am not referring to self-esteem or self-worth – these two traits are essential to make dreams come true.

Self-pity on the other hand allows you to wallow in your misery.  It is a way to indulge in our inability to calm our emotions and break with our past.  It blocks our healing process and keeps us caught in all the situations where we believe we were the victim.  We remain victims of our past and our actions and attract negative energy and stagnation.   Often we find ourselves surrounded by negative people as a result.  When we believe that everything and everyone is against us we will not act because we are fear driven.  Dreams are not born from fear but from courage; courage to heal, to step into the unknown and to take up the challenge and move forward. 

How do you block your dreams?  Which of these behaviours do you practice, all or just some?  Do you fluctuate between self-pity and self-importance?  I believe these to be interesting questions.  If we can be truthful with ourselves we can get a glimpse of where we sabotage our dreams and take steps to rectify our thoughts and actions.  It is hard work but so worth it!

In Beauty

What is Personal Power?

Many people speak of personal power but what is it exactly?  How do you unlock it?  These questions are asked countless times and it seems no-one and everyone has the answer.  Personal power is having the courage to actually DO what is necessary.  Most people pay lip service to their lives in general.  How many promises that you have made to yourself have you actually kept?  How many times have you let yourself down with no follow through?  I know I have more times than I care to count.

Yes I know we all have our personal history, our stories that keep us stuck in the same pattern.  Do you make excuses?  Is there always a story that justifies your lack of action?  In some cases we even go as far as placing the blame on others because taking a step towards personal power will affect them.  We do all of this to avoid taking responsibility for our lives.

One of the things that strike me about personal power is that it is not as elusive as we would like to think.  It is right there all the time, and when we step into it the outcome that we feared the most inevitably doesn't happen.  Why is that?  Because we project a future based on the imagined fear before we take action.  Once you take action the circumstances of the situation change and all projections are transformed.  Interesting…  

The biggest block against personal power is personal history.   This could be every time you were hurt, “taught” a lesson, guilt ridden, abandoned, shamed or blamed but it really boils down to one thing and one thing only… innocence lost.  You can see how these feelings can leave you bitter, vengeful or obstinate.  What can grow in soil that has been tilled with these feelings?  Personal history gives your projections power and suppresses your personal power.  It stops your ability to dream, take chances, open your heart and engage in your life.

I know that some will say that our experiences are what shape us, but they should not dictate what we do from this time forward.  If we can use these experiences as guides to avoid further hurt and loss of innocence I am all for it but if they are kept alive solely for the reason of blocking our path and putting up a wall then they serve no purpose. 

Here is a little exercise.  Think of a time when you actually stepped into your power and dealt with a difficult situation.  How did it make you feel?  Did it really turn out as bad as you had thought? What did you gain?  Now imagine that you did nothing…. Where would you be now?

I remember a particular ceremony during my warrior training that pushed so hard against my fear I nearly gave up.  I was to find a place out in nature away from everyone, dig a hole, cover it with a tarp and sleep in my “grave” overnight.  When I first heard about this ceremony I was excited and eager but as the time to do it drew closer I felt such a resistance that it was palpable.  I made up excuse after excuse, I couldn't find a place, what about bears, spiders and snakes (none of which I am afraid of with the exception of bears) etc. etc..  I walked for six hours trying to find a spot only to return and angrily confront my teacher saying that I am not doing the ceremony.  She just nodded, told me to work with the fear and walked away.  I became infuriated, how could she have such disregard for my safety.  However when I sat down with that fear I realized that being with myself with no distractions and only the work that had to be done, which was to look at my life, what I was, what I think of myself and what others may think of me should I die today, scared the crap out of me.  Being that honest with me was beyond anything I had done before.  Then it hit me, it isn't that I couldn't confront me,  I couldn't confront  my personal history, there was so much guilt, hurt and blame.  So I stepped into my power, dug my hole, grabbed a blanket, warrior journal, pen and flashlight and pulled that tarp across my grave.  I laughed at myself thinking “you made your grave now lie in it” and I started with the cleanup.  That was the first (but not the last) time I truly let go of some of my personal history.  Had I not completed this ceremony I would not be where I am today I would still be stuck with the fear of facing myself and the unknown. 

For most people this may sound quite drastic.  Of course you don’t need to do anything this extreme but do take steps towards erasing your personal history and letting it go.  Find a practitioner that can guide you gently to facing your personal history so that you can be free.

So what does it take to step into your power?  Erase your personal history and let it go.  Find the courage to do what’s necessary.  Once done you can be the sorcerer of your life, the one that weaves magic and new experiences powerful enough to propel you forward towards the life you want and need. 

Love & Light

Staying Connected...

I had a wonderful time in Hawaii.  As predicted I was feeling healed by the time I left.  When I reflect back on the experience I remember that the day I arrived I was talking fast and completely wrapped up in my story of work and all the balls I am juggling every day.  One of the Sisters looked at me and said “BREATHE”.  I heard her but I stopped only for a split second to take a breath and continue my story of how tough things have been.  It was as if words were tumbling from my mouth without any control and my mind was racing a mile a minute.

After the first night I was feeling a little better.  My energy settled down and I started to speak slower with more thought.  Slowly I started to unwind and let go of all those things that fill my mind with confusion and doubt.  As the week progressed things became clearer and I was able to feel what was actually going on in my life rather than my perception of it.  I learned that I still have an issue with attachment and justification, something that I am now actively addressing…daily.  Any of my clients reading this will have a small smile right now because they know how much effort it takes to be aware and take action every time you are triggered and not to act out in your pattern.  My healing like everyone else’s is a journey.  

I digress, but the end of the week I was calm, grounded, centered and feeling strong, standing in my power soaking up the sun and heat, eating well and sleeping even better.  Then the week was over and I was on my way home….

I was so determined to hang onto this wonderful feeling of being grounded and balanced that I promised myself that I would put forward a strong intent to hold it but life happens.  Our flight was delayed by two and a half hours, still I was good…” it is what it is” I said to myself and held my ground.  For a week and two days I held it, nothing shook my ability to stay centered not even the unrelenting cold that never seemed to lift.  Then real challenges were thrown at me and my center shifted.  Lucky for me I was able to bring it back, so all is not lost and I am speaking clearly with the people who are pushing my buttons. 

It did make me question the sense of sanctuary a spiritual retreat gives you.  It is easy to be one with yourself and others when you are secluded and not really engaged in the day to day realism of your life.  By definition isn't that exactly what retreat means, to withdraw or hideaway?  It takes a lot more will to stay engaged and balanced when you are dealing with everyday chaos and the people who drive you crazy.  I won't  give up, I'll keep at it!

Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for the opportunity to go on the retreat, without it I think I would be a bumbling idiot or a raging maniac by the time spring arrives.  The trick is going to be in staying in a state of grace….

Love & Light

Do you know your darkness?

I will ask again..."Do you know your Darkness?"  Have you made friends with it, healed it or do you at least understand it?  

So many of us only want to see the "good" in life.  We want life to be like the fairy-tales we were told when we were little.  The men are all hero's and the women are saved from a terrible life by a handsome prince charging in.  Picket fences and all that.

Then we get to the age where something changes.  It happens to all of us sooner or later. Somewhere between the ages of six and nine everything we believed in is broken and we are left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of it all.  The first seed of doubt, pain and fear is planted and then we feed it, allowing it to grow.  

Innocence is lost.  It could be as small as disappointment in your parents voice or as big as abuse it is all the same for the one suffering the pain and humiliation.  Some become vindictive, lying and causing hurt for others while others fold in upon themselves like origami burying the shame deep within the folds.

Now as the Darkness of November approaches, it is time to pull the hurt, shame and loss out.  Examine it carefully and drag it into the light.  Heal the self and above all forgive the self.  Real forgiveness for yourself and others will allow the hurt to shift and be transformed.  The darkness will always remain but if you know where it is and how it was created you can work with it and use it to become whole and balanced.  Light and dark equal and partners in the path ahead.

You have a choice!  You can choose to let go of the past and live in balance truly knowing who you are....

Love and Light!

Transcending Ego

Transcending Ego – this statement has given me much food for thought.  It is held as a beacon as something to aspire to but what does it really mean?  In order to understand it you have to go back to what the word Ego really means.  There are a few definitions:

1.    A person’s sense of self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, self-image
2.  Psychoanalysis - The part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.
3. Philosophy – A conscious thinking subject

Does that mean that without an Ego we would have no sense of self?  If I transcend my ego what happens to my sense of self?  Do I become self-less and is that even possible?  The definition of Selflessness is:

•  Having little or no concern for oneself. 

In my way of thinking that doesn't sound healthy from a day to day perspective.  Of course if one was acting selflessly in a moment of danger, then it means something else altogether.

I believe my Ego is where the development of my multiple processes, cognitive function, defenses, and interpersonal skills emerged.  It has shaped me in many ways.  Then how do I transcend it and why would I want to?  To kill off the ego would make me psychotic… not a Sage.

Human beings all have ego and this is not a bad thing. We are designed to want instant gratification and without our ego’s we would act of every desire and whim good or bad.  Just think of a baby and how it reacts and interacts with its world.  It wants its needs seen to immediately – should you make it wait, then the baby will cry incessantly until the needs are met.  Our Ego’s help us determine what is good for us and shapes our reality.  It is when this ego is out of balance that we have a problem.

The unfortunate thing about our egos is that it often “lies” to us.  It deploys a defense mechanism in order to help us cope with the reality we create.  This is especially true when we are making choices that are in conflict with social norms, our own personal morals or taboos.  The defense mechanisms come in many forms such as, denial, displacement, intellectualisation, fantasy, compensation, projection, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, and sublimation.  Our fear also resides in this place of ego and if our ego feels that we are putting ourselves in harm’s way it will stop us in our tracks.  That little voice that says:  No;  You can’t;  You’ll fail if you try… it resides there in the basic instinct of our Ego’s.    

In my practice I have seen many people who have employed one, many or all of the defense mechanisms because of Fear and the greatest fear is one of change.  The biggest problem is that they then make the decision to squash the ego and not act at all becoming immobilized by their fear.  They start feeling stuck.  The Ego must be heard for the individual to move forward and ignoring it just makes everything worse.  This does not have to be “transcendence” but rather finding a way to put it at ease.

One of the techniques I teach is an ancient Hawaiian Ritual called Ho’oponopono.  It comes in four parts; I love you, I am sorry, I thank you, I forgive you, ending with I love you.  This ritual allows you to clear the ego and allow it to feel heard instead of suppressed.  It allows you to find the courage to make the change you need to and step outside your comfort-zone. 

Keep in mind that Egotism is something completely different.  This is a place of self-importance, entitlement and arrogance.  I feel that people often confuse Egotism with Ego and that it has become one and the same in people’s minds.   When you are acting out of self-interest and narcissism and only thinking of how things affect you with no concern for others then you have another issue altogether.  In Shamanism we know that Self-Pity is the other side of the coin of Self-Importance.  That makes sense really; you have to have an inflated sense of self to feel sorry for yourself.

As for transcendence of the ego, I am still working on it.  What is transcending ego really mean you ask? It is to have knowledge of your True-Self and realizing your true nature.  There are times when I feel that I have connected with my higher self and that I no longer hold the view of myself as limited but rather as limitless.  I aspire to connect to my true self, the one that has no boundaries and engage in my life more fully, with a deeper connection to Spirit using the Self and Co-creation to accomplish my goals.  It is a strenuous task at times with all the external noise that we have in our lives but when it happens it is joyous and nothing short of a miracle…