Growing Bolder...

Recently a nine year old picture of me came up in my newsfeed.  I was drawn to my youthful look and I think I look stunning (if I say so myself). There is a sparkle in my eyes and a vibrancy that I have nurtured all my life.  This was a photo shoot I promised I would do the year I turned fifty.  This young woman could not be stopped. She went out and wrote two books that year and opened a practice the next , her energy was contagious, boundless and inspired.

Now of course the picture of “older me” is not professional.  It was just taken by someone with no filters or photo shop, it is simply me with all my flaws but somehow it speaks more to my essence than the other photo does.

The first photo was taken before my healing journey began.  I was still finding my way in this world and caught up with things which don’t mean much in the greater scheme of things.  I don’t judge who I was, I simply recognize that I was different.  I love that younger version because she is the one that found the courage to step onto the path of healing and stick to it with a determination and tenacity that only she could have mustered.  She is my HERO!

When I look at the second photo I see a softening and a compassion for myself and others that I know the younger version did not have, she was pretty black or white.  Though that same spark is still present there is a deeper knowing behind my eyes that is brought forth by looking into the depths of your own darkness and making that part of you your ally.  I no longer fear death or change I embrace the fact that nothing stays the same and that it shouldn’t.  If we want relationships or anything else in our lives to last, we have to work at allowing space for our own growth and that of our partners for they also have to evolve.

The older version of me realizes that life is grey and that nothing can be definitive.  She also knows that she knows nothing and that she is constantly learning things about herself and her world.  She is aware that her own darkness will change its shape to fool her into thinking that she’s got it when she really doesn’t and she has learnt to dance with it because there is true healing to be found there.  She has become more joyful and is filled with gratitude for everything she has and everything she has lost, for in that loss she found her strength.

The current version of me has found a way to love unconditionally.  I no longer need a “return” or proof of anyone’s love based on old belief systems that held me hostage.  It is enough that I give love in a way that nurtures and fortifies me and to have healthy boundaries.  I accept the fact that others are not always going to be able to meet my level of intimacy and that’s okay, they may not be ready. I no longer need others for validation of whom I am or who I am becoming.  I love myself deeply.

Believe me when I say this journey is not complete and I look forward to the future me, ten years from now, because I believe that she will change the world around her…

Love & Light

Let Go...

I think we have spoken about this before but I have learnt more about it. As I watch the leaves turn and fall from the trees I am reminded that letting go of dead things can be beautiful and painless.  This year has been particularly beautiful. I notice people stopping at the side of the road to take pictures trying to capture the beauty.  I also know that it is impossible to capture the intense colours and that it is something that you have to commit to memory.

But let’s get back to letting go.  We all believe that letting go means that we are letting go of the past. Those past hurts and pain that we need to work with so that these things will no longer trigger us in negative ways in our here and now.  Yes this is true, but to do that we have to heal and that is a journey of self-discovery and forgiveness; forgiveness of oneself and others.

I would like to talk about letting go of something more present though.  The daily fear that our little ego’s dream up for us, the reason that our ideas are stillborn because we are too fearful of taking a leap of faith. These are not always huge things it could be as simple as self-care.  Many people put themselves last on the list and inevitably we find when we look into why, that it is because somewhere in their psyche they believe that they don’t deserve better. These negative thought are the serial killers of our happiness.  Those are what we need to let go of. 

We also know that stopping negative thoughts is one of the most difficult things to do, so I can hear you say “HOW?”  It is a process but here is how:

The Triple A approach:

·         Awareness

Once you become aware of the negative thoughts you can do something about it. So the first step is to listen. Listen to your thoughts with a second attention. Are you constantly berating yourself? Are you telling yourself you can’t possibly do something for various reasons? Are you always justifying and trying to explain yourself to yourself and others? If you are this is a cause for anxiety and stress which in some cases can become extreme and debilitating.

·         Assessment

So now that you are hearing the thoughts you must assess them. Take the little ego out of the equation and look at them neutrally.  Is the thought true? For instance “Is it real?” Do you really have to take on another person’s problems?  Are you choosing to make life difficult because that will keep the status quo and you won’t have to take a risk or step into the unknown? Are you not speaking your truth or are you denying yourself happiness because it is easier? Assess the true situation, stop lying to yourself… you deserve more.

·         Action

Now take action. Take a deep breath and change the thought.  “Yes I can, I have the skillset to… make the speech; change the dynamic of a relationship; take a stand and whatever else comes I can deal with the consequences.   

It is understood in Shamanic circles that a single thought lasts for seventy years… yes that is not a typo, seventy years. Think about that for a minute… what are you sowing?

Love & Light