The Matter of Self-Worth

Ahhh… self-worth!  Such a simple concept but so incredibly illusive it seems.  I have been working with the causes of lack of self-worth for a long time looking to uncover the mystery.  Of course it is easy to simply go back to our childhoods and place the blame squarely at our parent’s feet, but I don’t think it is that simple.  For one thing we always have to remember that they were doing the best they could with the tools they had.  Yes there are some who really did have shitty parents but when the chips are down even they were only doing what they knew, and remember that much of it is linage cycles that repeat themselves.

If we want to lay the blame at their feet we should look at it from our children’s perspective, should they be placing the blame of their own lack of self-worth at our door?  Don’t you feel in your heart of heart that you did the best you could?  Sure you might know better now, but that was then.

Here is what I know… everyone has a bout with lack of self-worth, no-one is spared.  It hides in the arrogance and egotistical self-importance of some and in the indulgent self-pity of others.  It is true that every single one of us will find something that will make us feel deficient.  It could be our peers at school or at the workplace.  There is bullying and abuse in the more extreme forms and also trauma.

So how do we get rid if these feelings of inadequacy?  I have seen great successes with the following steps but it does depend on if you are willing to really let go.

Heal the inner child.  Do some deep work and allow the inner child to let go of any trauma suffered as a child whether perceived or real. 

Take responsibility. Once you have healed the child you have to take responsibility for all the decisions you have made the good and the bad.  Own the good decisions and let the bad ones go. 

Forgive yourself.  Don’t hang onto your mistakes!  We all make them, always remember every choice we make is based on what we know at the time.  Sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we wanted it to. Move on.

Erase personal history.  Don’t let your personal history stop you.  Fear is a show-stopper.  Don’t project that history will repeat itself.

Change your patterns. Becoming aware of your patterns aren’t enough, you have to change them.  Negative self-talk has to be nipped in the butt so that you can make the necessary changes to step into your power.

Know yourself. Know the situations and or people that trigger you.  Find new ways to deal with everyday challenges so that you do not revert back to your old habits.  When you stop lying to yourself about your situation or about who you are your whole universe starts to shift.  It takes courage but it is so worth it!

Last but not least… Believe in yourself! 

Love & Light

Resolution Revolution!

Many of us sit down at the beginning of the year and draw up a list of New Year's Resolutions.  These are personal resolutions and more often than not we fail at keeping them.  Interestingly enough the most common excuse for our new year's resolutions failing is that we didn't have the time.  We were too busy with work and responsibilities.  Let's face it we spend most of our waking hours at work so it is no wonder that it seems to get in the way of us being successful at our personal resolutions. 

What if we changed the way we look at our resolutions and found ways to incorporate these into our work day?  Imagine that you are no longer trying to find time but that the time you are engaged in work activities is actually supporting your resolutions.  Here are some of the most popular resolutions and a few innovative ways to keep them.

Reduce Stress:  One of the major causes for stress in the workplace are the relationships we have with management and our colleagues.  Be willing to listen to another point of view and actively engage in communication, don't just listen to reply.  If you are unfortunate and you work for a company that has poor management and you are unclear of what is expected from you, call a meeting with HR or with the appropriate person within your company and get it resolved.  Nothing creates more stress than continuously feeling like you don't know what you are doing or supposed to be doing.  Being open to new ideas and change reduces stress. Be Teachable! Don't take things personally check your ego at the door.

Time Management:  Why do we fail at time management?  Because everything we know about it is geared towards managing "clock time" and what we should really be managing is "real time".  Real time happens in our heads we create it and anything we create can be managed.  The first thing we have to know is how effective are we at using our time.  Jot down every thought, conversation, task or action you take for one week.  At the end of that week look for the places where you are wasting time on unproductive things that don't produce results .  Now you have the information to Organize, Prioritize and Schedule.  Make sure that 50% of your scheduled time is spent on activities that generate results and schedule time for interruptions.  Block out distractions, not every e-mail needs to be responded to immediately.  Remember that it is impossible to get everything done in a day and be okay with that, tomorrow is another day and that is why you are prioritizing.  The good news is that 20% of your actions will generate 80% of your results so if you are concentrating on the things that matter, you are way ahead of the game!

Pay Off Debt: In today's economy more people are trying to reduce their debt load as there seems to be uncertainty everywhere.  Improving your position at work could lead to an increase or a promotion which in turn can help with getting rid of your debt sooner.  How do you improve your position?  Engage actively in meetings and show your enthusiasm for your work.  Make sure you know what the company goals are and work towards those.  Avoid negative individuals and be open to new ideas and change.  Better still bring your own ideas to the table.  Make yourself indispensable.  Most of all enjoy what you are doing, it shows in your efforts and rubs off on others.

Learn something new: This could tie in nicely with the point above.  If you are thinking of learning a new language, how about learning a language that can help you in the business world.  Chinese is a good option but if your company has a German or Japanese holding company consider that language.  Perhaps one day when there are visiting officers from head office you can be an interpreter.  Take a course that can improve your skill set or join an association that supports your career.  Don't want to do anything work related, that's okay too.  Any personal development will allow you to bring a new perspective to the workplace.

Balance Home And Work: With more of us working from home we often don't know where to draw the line.  The biggest problem of our time is the Glorification of Busy!  Somewhere along the line we have become convinced that if we can't say "Oh I am sooo busy!" we are not pulling our weight and we give the impression that we are not committed to our jobs.  Turn that around, work smarter not harder.  Don't over-commit learn to say No!  Turn off the computer, get plenty of rest and play with your children, spend time with your spouse.  Do something that makes you happy.   Meditate, do cross-word puzzles or quietly sit in thought for a some time every day.  It is proven that time spent in silence strengthens your ability to problem solve.  Once you let go of the idea that busy is better and allow yourself to be present in the moment, whether at work or home, balance will find you!

Good luck with your resolutions and remember to be present... stop worrying or projecting - things hardly ever look they way you expect them to.  Plan and take action!

Love & Light

Loss and grief...

This month I attended the funeral of a young man aged twenty four.  He died in an industrial accident at work.  Even though I did not know him well I know his younger brother very well as he is my youngest son’s best friend.  It was one of the saddest funerals I have ever been to.  It seemed to me that all the young people in our town were touched by this man and his loss in our community is heartfelt and runs deep. He touched many hearts in his short life.

It hit me hard when I saw his Mother whom I also know well.  She had fallen apart and could hardly speak.  Her grief was tangible.  She cried against my shoulder and all I could do was hold her.  I knew my words would sound hollow so I just held her and allowed her grief to flow through me.

I have been to many a young person’s funeral - my own brother in-law died at around the same age and many friends were lost when I was young.  Even though I remember being there for my sister I don’t recall being so affected by the pain I felt coming in waves off this Mother.  I have never felt another’s grief so acutely. 

I am a Mother to two young men and like this Mother I did everything in my power to keep them safe growing up.  In fact she and I are the only two Mother’s I am aware of that had strict rules in place about where they went, how late they were out and needing to know where they were at all times.  I think that is why she allowed her youngest to hang out at my house.  It seems so ironic that we raised them with such care only to have this terrible accident happen.  But I guess that’s life… and that is why we need to live every day to the fullest. 

I believe the reason I felt the grief so deeply is because I know that anything can happen at any time; there but for the grace of Spirit go I.  We have children for various reasons but mostly because it is in our very DNA to continue our blood line.  Our children are the manifestation of our belief that life is sacred, our insurance policy that we shall live forever through our seven generations. 

Here is what I know.  Looking at that Mother I don’t think all our neat boxes about grief will hold water.  There are no stages of grief for her, the so called… denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance… I saw her go through all of those simultaneously.  I know there is no time period for grief and everyone heals at their own pace.  I ask myself; how do you heal from the loss of a child, the loss of the life you carried in your womb and brought into this world with a primal roar. 

What have I learnt?  That death can be a teacher and that no matter what I should count my blessings.  Life is precious and sacred and it needs to be protected at all costs.  I need to ensure that I build a strong bond with my children so there will never be any regrets or unspoken truth between us.  I must open my heart to all around me; a simple smile will heal deep wounds.  Hold space for others and allow them to feel and experience what they need to in order to heal by just being there… no platitudes can make up for compassion felt deeply in silence. 

Lastly… live life with my whole being and make death my friend because it is a beginning not an end….

Love & Light

Integrity

Integrity… for me there is hardly a more powerful word in the English language.  It holds so much power and hope; however it seems sadly lacking in this world.  I have been watching how the world conducts itself, from world leaders, business moguls, celebrities to the average citizen and I have to confess I don’t like what I see most of the time. 

Keeping in mind that we are all human and make mistakes it does seem that there are many that act out every impulse without any thought of the consequences.  I feel they do what they want and as long as they don’t get caught.  It is when they get caught that they really sicken me.  When did apologizing make everything okay?  They stand there looking dejected, some even with tears in their eyes as they plead with us to forgive them.  Why I ask myself did they do it in the first place?  Sure we all make bad judgement calls from time to time… but come on, you can at least own it and take responsibility for it.

There are so many examples in the public world but I see it in my daily life around me, normal people who lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want, when they want it.  They say money is the root of all evil, that isn't true – people are, when their actions to enrich themselves are at the expense of others.

How do you know if you are acting without integrity?  I have searched for the tell-tale signs in my own life.  I have found them very helpful in testing my own integrity as well as others.

1.  It is all about you – your needs come first no matter what! 
2. Your self-esteem is dependent on what others think of you – you say and do anything to remain liked and keep up a front.  You do whatever is needed to stay “in”.
3. You keep secrets – hiding the truth or outright lying to keep up your façade.
4. Your word is not your bond – you break promises.
5. You give in – not standing strong for your principles.

I personally struggle with the last one.  Sometimes I will give in in order to avoid a confrontation.  Every time I don’t speak my truth I am breaking my integrity.  I tell myself that I am picking my battles, but am I really?  Might it just be easier to go with the flow?  I guess I am going to have to sit with that for a while…

Love & Light

I am here...

As some of you might know I mangled my big toe about six weeks ago.  I opened a door right over it so badly that it required eight stitches.  I won’t share the actual event… too gruesome but I do want to share what I learnt from it.  It is completely healed now although it looks funny.

After the first week of dealing with the pain and general discomfort I sat down and asked myself how and why it happened.   How was I responsible for this accident?  I was astounded by what I found.

The first thing that came to mind is that I move at break neck speed!  On that day speed was completely unnecessary.  I had just had a wonderful lunch with my girlfriend there was no need to rush, after all I was only going home so why did I rip the door open with such force? 

Lesson 1:  Slow down!  I am not on fire!

The second thing I learnt was that I am not present.  I am always thinking of the next thing, task that needs to be done. I move from one thing to the next to get things done in the least possible time.  By not being present I miss much of the journey.

Lesson 2:  Be present!  I don’t have to be finished with a task before I have even started.  I need to enjoy the journey.

Self-care takes time is the third thing I learnt.  It can’t be hurried.  Every day I had to clean, wrap and care for my toe.  It required patience and I knew that it would take weeks for it to heal and I wanted to ensure that it healed with absolutely no complications. I was very aware of the risk of infection so I made my own saline solution and cared for it with great tenderness.

Lesson 3:  Be gentle!  Berating myself would not serve my healing process, I had to be gentle with myself giving my body all the time it needed to heal.

The fourth understanding was that I do everything with a sense of urgency as if my life depended on it.  My shoulders are tense; I hold my breath and my energy doesn't flow.  I waste a lot of energy.

Lesson 4: Relax!  Go with the flow and focus my energy in such a way that none of it is wasted.

Finally I learnt that to have true self-care you have to listen to your body.  I know we all say it but do we really?  I know I didn't.  I am very aware of every thought now.  I listen intently and I am starting to distinguish between the messages.  Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, in pain or stressed?

Lesson 5: Listen!  In order to have self-care you have to listen to your body.

And the bonus – I am a WORKAHOLIC!  As I cared for my toe and started to listen to my body I started to hear the nonsense my brain spews out.  I now notice how when I want to care for myself my brain tells me it is a waste of time. 

Making myself something to eat will take me away from my work and is therefore a waste time, is but one of the lies I tell myself.  It is clear that I don’t value my health if making myself something to eat is such a low priority.  I am making a concerted effort to change this thought process.  Awareness is half the battle, so now when I hear it I question my motives.  Is it really a waste of time? The answer always is; “NO IT ISN'T!”  

I am working with the root cause of this ridiculous idea.  I believe it comes from my years as a consultant where I preferred to work through lunch because I wanted to get done, get as many hours as possible and go home.  I remember getting upset with people when they wanted to take lunch – they were wasting my time… Can you believe it?  I never said anything to them though, I just felt frustrated.  Often I would not eat the whole day until I got home basically living on one cup of tea. 

Lesson 6:  Dream!  It is not all about getting things done.  Take time to eat healthy and well.  Get enough sleep.  

This is a work in progress… some days I win and some battles I lose but I am using all the tools in my kit to shift this and I will not give up!

In Beauty,

5 Behaviours That Will Destroy Your Dreams…. EVERYTIME!

Everyone has dreams and it is of no consequence how big those dreams are or how small.  How you approach your dreams either makes them become reality or remain a daydream.  There has to be steps taken for a dream to become reality.  Just waiting for the Universe to bless you will never work, let’s face it – even if you dream of winning the lottery – you still have to buy that ticket!  Of course providence and being in the right place at the right time also comes into play but usually it also means that some type of action was taken to place you in that space. 

Often we will put all our effort into something only for it to not work out.  This happens frequently, however it regularly turns out that something better is just around the corner out of sight.  When this happens you will usually hear “Wow that worked out for the best.”  

The five behaviours I am going to discuss are the ones we use consciously or subconsciously to block our dreams. 

1.  Not Taking Responsibility:

Stop blaming other people for your shit!  Your parents, siblings, husband, girlfriend, boss or co-workers are not responsible for your choices.  We all have histories and we have all made mistakes – so own yours.  You don’t have to take the blame for other peoples choices only your own.  Sometimes we react to circumstances and people in such a way that we sabotage ourselves, a “cut your nose to spite your face” scenario.  Inevitably we have some hand in the circumstances so we have to take a good hard look at our role and take responsibility without judgement of ourselves or others.  You will find that all the drama will evaporate when you deal with the facts leaving you open to heal your wounds.

2.  Not Taking Action:

Procrastination and laziness are dream serial killers.  Talking up a storm about how you are going to make something happen is never going to bring it to fruition, you have to take action!  An example might be that you want to eat better, so you go to the store and buy healthy choices and look for healthy recipes only to flop down on the couch and get take out.  The food rots away in the fridge to be thrown into the garbage.  Of course we have excuses – I was too tired, I had a tough day at work, the kids drove me mad – but none of these are really valid if we value ourselves and our dreams.  Stop allowing excuses and justifications to ruin your dreams, make a commitment to yourself and your dream and take action!

3.  Break From Reality:

Living in the past or in the future will kill your dreams every time.  When we dwell on the past our story is ever present.  Stories stir up emotion and confuse the brain.  We start to project the same outcome as we have had in the past and it forces us to hold onto patterns.  Living in the future is just as destructive it makes us believe that if circumstances would somehow change then we will be happy.  You can however be happy now just by seeing reality for what it is and being grateful for what you have.  Worry has never solved a single problem, only action does and if there is nothing that can be done then acceptance of your reality is all there is.  Upon acceptance you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders, your emotions will calm down and your brain will clear opening the door to a new understanding of the problem and a new path to take.

4.  Having No Integrity:

What does integrity mean?  It means to have a quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.  It is a state of being whole and undivided.  Lies will stop dreams in their tracks.  The worst kind is the lies you tell yourself.  All the justifications that we have when we don’t act from a place of integrity cause negative energy around us, within ourselves and with others.  When your word can’t be trusted energy can’t move.  What we think and say is the driving force behind the energy we send out into the universe.  Lies cause chaos!   When we stop lying to ourselves and/or others, energy starts to flow and the universe starts to move in your favour.

5.  Self-Importance / Self-Pity:

Two sides of the same coin.  You can’t have self-pity without self-importance.  This is a difficult concept for most – I know I struggled with it for a while.   Self-importance makes us believe that rules don’t apply to us and that we are entitled.   It is that entitlement that blocks dreams because it makes us believe that we don’t have to put any effort in.  Think about what we call the “Entitled Generation” – they are so used to just getting what they want, often without deserving it that it becomes their nature.  If this behaviour is not rectified it can shift into narcissism and in extreme cases become a disorder.  To clarify I am not referring to self-esteem or self-worth – these two traits are essential to make dreams come true.

Self-pity on the other hand allows you to wallow in your misery.  It is a way to indulge in our inability to calm our emotions and break with our past.  It blocks our healing process and keeps us caught in all the situations where we believe we were the victim.  We remain victims of our past and our actions and attract negative energy and stagnation.   Often we find ourselves surrounded by negative people as a result.  When we believe that everything and everyone is against us we will not act because we are fear driven.  Dreams are not born from fear but from courage; courage to heal, to step into the unknown and to take up the challenge and move forward. 

How do you block your dreams?  Which of these behaviours do you practice, all or just some?  Do you fluctuate between self-pity and self-importance?  I believe these to be interesting questions.  If we can be truthful with ourselves we can get a glimpse of where we sabotage our dreams and take steps to rectify our thoughts and actions.  It is hard work but so worth it!

In Beauty

Broken Relationships...

Broken relationships - we all have our fair share.  The profoundly emotional Youtube video of Artist Marina Abramovic and Ulay seeing each other for the first time in years had me thinking about my own relationships that broke along the twists and turns of this journey I call my life.  With most I am glad to say I have been able to maintain a friendship but in some cases it could never make sense.  Some I got over quickly while others took time to heal.  

So many of my clients keep getting drawn back into the past and are unable to heal the wounded spirit.   Let’s face it, ending a relationship is one of the most uncomfortable things we need to do in our lives, and we have all had to do so at some time.  How we negotiate our discomfort will inevitably plot the course for both our and the other persons healing.  This led to me considering the reasons we hang on to the memories of these broken relationships and here are but a few. 

There isn't closure.

Many people are not capable of ending a relationship neutrally. We don’t want to deal with the other person’s anger and pain so we often take the easy way out.   In this day and age it is common for someone to end a relationship via text or e-mail.  They may think they are “sparing” the other person but actually they are really only protecting themselves.  When a relationship has fallen apart and we are unable to find closure in what has happened it will often stay with us.  We will dwell on the things we should have said or the things that we need to say and are unable to say.  This is especially true if you are “ghosting” the other person by not responding to their request to formally put the relationship out of its misery.

It is sudden.

Most of us know when a relationship is on a slippery slope to nowhere, even if we don’t want to believe it to be true.  We all know of that one person that was blindsided.  Where the other person walks in one day and says “It’s over” packs their bags and leaves.  Many times it is a marriage of many years and the person left behind feels their whole life spinning out of control.  Sudden death has the same impact but the healing steps are clear because there is nothing that can be done about it.

There is bitterness.

If the split was not amicable there is often a lot of bitterness and anger on both sides of the relationship.  Where children are involved they tend to be the only ones that suffer as their parents fight.  The relationship is long over and everyone involved would be better off to just let it go and move on.  However getting rid of that anger and hate locks you into your story and past.  Which in turn is then played out in any future relationship until you say “That’s enough; my story no longer defines me!”

Yet this video makes me wonder how it would be to have one minute of deep spiritual and emotional re-connection as these two people did.  Where for one moment we can see each other as we first did the day we fell in love.  I speculate whether it would open up old wounds or if it would bring true healing.

Our ONLY purpose for choosing to become physical beings is to LOVE.  That is the greatest challenge of all for in order to do so we have to be willing to be vulnerable and live with an open heart that can be broken.  It means we can’t put up walls and lock people out.  To love others as we love ourselves even our enemies.  How can we accomplish this enormous task?   By being present today with gratitude for all that we have, every experience and the beauty of our Souls…