Are the happiest people really those who do for others?

For me this a very interesting idea and for the most part I believe it is true… for the most part.  When we are doing for others we feel connected and that makes us feel good about ourselves.  I am all for that but I think there are circumstances where it could become a burden.

I have personally struggled with the concept of being of service.  I have spent many hours being of service to my Shamanic community.  The concept is that when you are of service that give-away will be returned to you three fold.  Well I don’t always feel that way when I am standing outside in minus 10 Celsius mid-winter and everything I touch is frozen. However I know that it is worth it because I also feel connected to that community and I know that I am an integral part of it.  The same goes for when I stand with the Salvation Army Kettle in December offering my time to help raise funds to support those less fortunate than myself.

I feel that this type of altruism truly makes you feel happy, connected and allow you to feel deep gratitude.  Volunteering for the greater good of your community makes you smile. However I believe there can be a dark side to giving.  There is a different expectation when you are supporting people you don’t know and it can be quite different when you are doing for people you do know.

So many people have spoken to me about being depleted by doing for others.  They have given their all only to be left feeling used and taken advantage of.  At times the consequences can be quite devastating.  So why is it not the same? 

I think that there are a couple of reasons it isn’t the same when you are doing for people you know:

Expectations:

Often our personal relationships are complicated and we could be acting out of guilt or an attempt to manipulate.  We also want to feel as if we are getting something in return and that the other person appreciates all we do for them.  When we are always giving without receiving something in return there is a good chance that we will end up feeling resentful and that doesn’t make you feel happy.

Boundaries:

With the people we love we often don’t have healthy boundaries and we don’t always know how to create them.  It is usual for us to do things for these people and when we either can’t or no longer want to we don’t know how to draw the lines so that we can support ourselves and not end up feeling depleted.  Saying “NO” to the people we love is difficult for many.  Feeling depleted in any way, whether it is energetically or financially is so bad for us that the consequences can have a negative impact on our health.  When we realize this and start to build healthy boundaries there is always push-back form the people who were benefiting from our generousness and we end up feeling disappointed and miserable.  

So, how are we able to give to those we love and still feel happy and not like a martyr? In my opinion it can be done in the following ways:

• Create healthy boundaries so that you are not depleting yourself.  Decide what you will and will not do.  Communicate these boundaries clearly and from a place of neutrality and then stand your ground!  No good setting boundaries and then not honouring them.  Mixed signals are the worst especially if you had to battle to set those boundaries.
• Care for yourself and your health.  It should be obvious but it is not.  You can only help people when you are healthy and strong.   Remember when you travel they always tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others – think about it.
• If you have expectations that have to be met by the other person – then don’t do it!  This is especially true if these are “unknown” expectations.  If you have not voiced what you need in return and want the other person to “magically” know – stop and look at your own motives.  Perhaps they are not as clear as you believe them to be.
• If you believe that the person you are doing something for will “owe” you something in return you should once again check you motives.  Are you trying to be manipulative?

The idea is not to discontinue giving but to do so with healthy boundaries and with known expectations so that everyone in the equation gets what they need, the feeling of being supported, appreciated and loved…

Love & Light!

Feeling Wronged...

Something interesting happened the other day.  I posted an article on my Facebook page and within minutes a person who isn’t on my friends list commented that I was ignorant, stupid and that I should check my facts.  To be honest, I can’t even remember what the post was about however I do remember the feelings his comment invoked.

The first was anger; not because he called me an ignorant person but because he was so stupid and couldn’t even see the truth of what I had posted.  I immediately thought this guy is obviously blinded by a closed mind and my view is so much more enlightened and superior.  Of course then there was pity… well not real pity more like condescension.  What a poor uneducated soul.

Then came the “how dare he!” It is my wall and he can’t come on my page and say whatever he wants. If he doesn’t like what he reads he should just scroll by as I do when I see something that I don’t agree with.  I don’t comment on other’s pages that they are idiots.  I might from time to time have a different opinion and I will comment but without the shaming.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion after all. If it turns into a spirited debate that’s good but you can’t have a debate with someone who already thinks you are a fool.

My instinct for action fueled by my anger was to tell him that he is the idiot and that his dumbass was stuck in the Dark Ages!  I started to type feverishly and then I stopped.  I took a couple of deep breaths and saw the whole interaction for what it was.  This guy had pressed my “Self-Righteous” button and I was allowing myself to be triggered and drawn in.  What a loss of energy!

I played out in my mind’s eye how it would go:

• I could make some snarky comment on his post
• Perhaps I could even post website links substantiating my point of view
• Other’s would jump on that to defend me or to shame me
• His friends would join in the fray and my page would become a place of name calling and vile

I realize was that he wasn’t there to have a healthy debate.  He had already shut down any path to dialog.  So I did what I should have done the first second I read it.  I remembered that it was my page and that I hold the power.  I deleted his post and carried on with my day…

Love & Light

And I'm Feeling Good...

Finally all the little deaths I have had the last few years are starting to make sense.  Many of you have heard me talk about a twenty seven year cycle and how we move through it.  Within that cycle I also see another six/seven year cycle for me.  There is always a significant change in my life on that six/seven year cycle.  This last shift that has coincided with my twenty seven year cycle has been life altering… again.

These moments are often marked by a loss.  It may be a lost love or a financial loss, death or perhaps a loss of joy but there is always a loss.  What I have learnt about loss is you need to allow yourself to feel it.  I have found so many people who don’t want to face their pain; they believe that all negativity should be shunned like a leper.  What they are missing out on is learning the full lesson of the series of events and integrating those lessons.

Now that doesn’t mean that you indulge in self-pity and wallow in the loss.  It means that you allow yourself to feel it.  Then you work with the loss to understand the lesson.  You keep working with it and you keep delving deeper and deeper until the full meaning is revealed.  You do this with optimism, sobriety, humour and determination.  If you don’t you could be on a slippery slope to depression and illness and that doesn’t serve you.

My second twenty seven year cycle ended with loss.  For the last three years I have been working it and I also finally made a few vital changes that have allowed me to fully move on.  I feel like a butterfly that is no longer in a glass jar.  Funny thing is, my circumstances have not changed.  I have worked through all the death and change since I stepped into my third, twenty seven year cycle and now I am ready to seek new adventure and find a new edge. 

It started with the simple act of self-care.  This included cleaning up my eating habits and getting back to gym.  My energy levels are up and I am feeling an increase in my life force, sexual energy which has been totally out of whack since menopause (another loss that needed to be understood).   As we know when sexual energy improves so does your ability to manifest and I can feel it awaken after years of sluggishness.

Now I stand at the edge of my Crone years with all the wisdom I have gathered.  I have a new understanding of life and what is important.  I am filled with gratitude.  Sometimes I am even able to hold onto that joy in the midst of the trivial irritants that happen daily and sometimes I grind my teeth and swear, but it’s all good because...

I’m feeling good….

Love & Light

Karma... Is it a Bitch?

Many of us, if not all, come into this life with Karma and we have one job to do and that is to heal that Karma so that we can Love unconditionally. 

I find it quite fascinating that people think that Karma is somehow going to do their dirty work for them. It grates on me when I see posts or hear people say “Karma is going to get so and so.”  It is a fact that there is a Law of Return in the Universe.  Even in the Bible we have “You reap what you sow” but Karma is not our personal judge and jury.

So why do we feel compelled to speak of Karma in this way?  I believe it is because of our own self-importance.  We are placing all the blame on the other rather than looking at our role in the situation.  Should we look into ourselves first we may discover that we allowed the perceived wrong to happen.  Does that make us partly to blame, absolutely and therefore it is important for us to take responsibility for our part. 

Karma is our teacher.  One could argue that wishing ill on a person that has done you wrong in some way is in effect doing intentional harm and therefore will incur your own Karma.  Would it not be better to understand how we allowed it to happen and then carry that lesson forward in order to not make the same mistake twice?

Every action has a reaction.  We can have good Karma as well when we act selflessly.  Paying it forward will solicit a positive return, it is the Law of the Universe – that is why the greatest rule I endeavour to live by is: “First Do No Harm”

Is Integrity Subjective?

For a couple of years I have been working with integrity and what it means to me.  I think for me it is being a person of your word.  Believing in something and then having the strength to stand up for that belief is integrity.  For many people integrity is the same as morality but I don’t feel it is.  You can have the morals of a pirate but still have integrity.  Where else would the saying “Honour among thieves” come from?

Perhaps another word for integrity is honour.  I feel that is the closest synonym as it speaks to the righteousness of a person.  What I do know for certain if that integrity means something different for everyone.  That is why we are often so disappointed in other people’s actions because we measure them against our own standards.

An example in my life is the time I lent money to a very old and good friend of mine.  He was having health issues and needed help.  When he asked he told me that he would pay me back in six weeks as soon as his commission was paid out.   Ignoring my intuition as well as my Mom’s words, “Never a borrower or a lender be” I went against my instincts and lent him the money.  I felt certain that I knew him well enough and that he would never let me down.  The main point that led me to going ahead was that I believed he had integrity.  I believed him to be a man of his word. 

I know that he sees himself as a man of staunch integrity.  So that leaves me to believe that his standard of integrity is different from mine.  That he obviously holds himself to a different code.  I was also working from my own understanding of integrity.  There have been times in my life when I have had to ask for help and I have always met my commitment within the time frame I said I would, so I expected him to do the same as he gave me his word.  My word is my integrity… his is not.

To add insult to injury, when after two or three years of waiting for the money to be paid back I started asking, he blocked and unfriended me.  I know I will probably never see that money and I have reconciled myself with that but I did learn a valuable lesson, not to trust that other people live their lives to the same code I do.

I don’t hold any grudges.  Life is too short for that but I have definitely changed the way I measure people.  So I ask the question… do you think integrity is subjective?

Love & Light

Dying To Make A Change...

The other day I was browsing motivational videos on Youtube and I was struck by how many of the speakers base their life changing insights on near death experiences or dreadful illness that brought them to the brink of death.  I have always found it fascinating that people literally have to die before they make the changes they need to live a fulfilling life. 

What is it about the near death experience that allows us to embrace a new way of life?  My observation is that once you have faced death nothing more can scare you.  All the little fears that your ego dreamt up for you is erased once you have had to face a real fear.  Illness strengthens your courage and your will. 

Here is the thing that really boggles the mind… that near death experience or life alerting illness… you attracted it.  Right about now I can hear the choruses of; “No I didn’t!” but you know in your heart of heart that in some conscious or unconscious way you did.  Illness is the body’s way of making us pay attention!  Just like the sudden accident it forces you to pay attention to your path and what you are here to do.

But there are more subtle signs.  Perhaps you recognize some of them:

An abusive relationship that spirals out of control

Financial problems

Death of a loved one

Divorce

Losing a job

How many of us have made life altering changes after one of these occurrences in our lives? When we are able to make the necessary shift with grace and acceptance we often find that the impacts of these trails are far less than we ever imagined.  It is when we stay stuck in fear, grief and anger that life becomes unbearable.  If we feed the unbearable we attract more of the same.  If we let go and do what we need to do to heal, well then we attract more healing and growth.  If we ignore it all together… well then life throws a brick at us!

What are you prepared to do to make your life altering changes?

Love & Light

All We Need Is Love...

It is said that all we need is love for humanity to be happy and for our lives to have meaning, yet this seems to be one goal we all strive for and hardly ever reach.  In this time of division I have been reflecting on this.  Why do we humans seem so incapable of love?

All Teachers of Light throughout the ages have spoken of Love being the most important thing in this life and that through love we are able to transcend our egos’ because when we love we are thinking of someone else rather than ourselves.  It is also one of the reasons that sacrifice is rewarded in literature, music and history.  Selflessness is seen as a virtue.

So why is it so hard for us to love one another?   Interesting that Jesus said that the commandment second only to loving God is to, “Love thy neighbour as thyself” and it is in this statement that I think the flaw lies.   Most of us don’t love ourselves at all. 

We all live with this dilemma.  Depending on how we were raised we may think that loving ourselves is selfish because we might have been told as kids how selfish and spoiled we were.  Alternatively we might have grown up believing that we are worthless and being told that in many ways, at school and at home.  Most of us are used to conditional love, if you do this for me I will reward you; if you don’t then you will be punished.   Perhaps this is why we love dogs so much.  They don’t want anything from you and they give you all their love unconditionally, even if you don’t feel you deserve it. 

This brings me to an experiment that was done by performance artist Marina Abramovic.  She stood still for six hours and allowed people to do anything to her body without any repercussions.  She removed all responsibilities for their actions.  What's frightening is that it very soon devolved into a sadistic, violent tableau.  Why I wonder, why did people not shower her with affection?  Why all the hate, fear and violence?

So how do we fix this as a society? Buddha said it clearly, “If you see yourself in others, then who can you hurt?”  Yet that won’t help us either if we don’t love ourselves.  We need compassion and empathy for all people not only the ones who are in agreement with us.  It all comes down to healing ourselves so that we can truly love ourselves.  How do we do that?

Forgiveness – we all make mistakes but we have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes of the past.  Mistakes are there to teach and they are part of the journey of life.  Remember that we are only human.

Releasing anger and hurt – if we can bring ourselves to let go of all the hurt and anger that we hold onto we are able to open our hearts.  While we are living with hurt it is impossible for us to allow anyone in.  We always keep them at arm’s length and this leads to separation.

Fear – when people aren’t the same as us we tend to keep them at a distance.  They don’t look, speak or act like us so they must be too different for us to love.  If we can’t heal the fear and distrust of people within ourselves, how are we ever going to change our perspective?  

Love & Light