Don't look back... You are not going that way!

The other day I had to go drop my son off in my old neighbourhood to pick up his car.  I drove by my old house.  Suddenly I was struck by a deep sense of sadness and loss.  I thought I had dealt with the grief of losing so much so I found it surprising that I should have such a visceral reaction to seeing my old home. Then it hit me… the sense of failure that is connected to that loss.  I felt that everything I had worked for over the last decades of my life was squandered and I had no-one but myself to blame.

Unconsciously every so called failure I had ever suffered came to the forefront.  People who know me know that I don’t dwell in the place of self-pity so I was completely taken by surprise. I knew I had to deal with this sense of failure so I worked with my altar, I asked the Gods and Spirit for answers.  Frankly I asked every God I knew to give me insight into this feeling of failure, loss and grief.  The answers did not come immediately but over the last couple of week they did come… slowly but surely.

I’m living from a place of SCARCITY:

In my everyday lately, even though I have more than enough I act as if I am down to my last resources.  We all know that you reap what you sow and I have been sowing lack.  As I go through my day I look to what I don’t have instead of what I have in abundance.  I have never gone to bed hungry or slept outside (glamping excluded) or not had the means to care for myself and mine.  I have always had an innate trust in myself and the Universe that it would provide. I need to go back to that space of trust and innocence that all will be well.

I’m coming from a place of FEAR:

Fear is taking up a big part of my daily thought process.  I ask myself questions like: How will I survive when I get old? Will I be alone? Where will I live? How will I eat? I need a new car… What if I lose my job?  And so it carries on and on… the constant reminder of what I could lose.  Why am I living in the future and causing myself so much anxiety?  Surely I know that what I do today will be the foundation for what happens tomorrow… but do I really?  I did everything right and still I have very little to show for it.  Once again I have to center myself and ground.  Do these material things matter?  Yes they do but not as a validation of who I am.  I can own absolutely nothing but still find joy in the sparkle in my Grandchildren’s eyes, in my Son’s laughing and growing into wonderful men.  I have nothing to fear, the future will take care of itself I must take care of now and live only in the moment.

I have made my world SMALL:

I have put my life on hold.  I have confined myself to the four walls of my office.  Why… because I don’t want to lose what I have.  I can’t lose what I have it is already gone and that which has stayed is more than I can ever need plus I have the love of my family and friends.  Each day I lock myself up in this room I lose a piece of myself and my world gets smaller.  I have some deep decisions to make. I need to define my next incarnation.  I have started asking myself questions such as; what is important to me and what am I here to do?  I need to clear my path and make plans to walk it fully and with conviction.  I need to start dreaming…

As I work with all these feelings I have noticed a small voice and it is getting louder each day.  That young woman I once was and still am, the one that I silenced so that I could fit in, is making herself heard.  The young woman that wanted to see the world and experience life fully and that made choices to stay in one place as to not disappoint.  Her free spirit is growing and her voice is becoming a roar in my ears.

What is she saying?  You are FREE!  In the words of Kris Kristofferson that Janis Joplin immortalized “Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose”.  I can never lose the love of the people who love me; that I know for a fact.  There is nothing else to lose expect my Soul if I continue to ignore the roar.  Therefore I will strike scarcity, fear and playing it small from my thoughts and I will breathe in breathe out… no fear no doubt.

There is a vast ocean of knowledge and experiences out there. I will start to investigate do my research and prepare.  The time is not 100% right… I know this instinctively but it is close…

Bent But Never Broken...

I have bent like a blade of grass in the wind.  When the storm is over I have pulled myself up and risen towards the sun.

I have been hurled against the rocks like the waves of a stormy ocean and I have always found a way to crawl back to dry land moments before drowning.

I have been blown like a grain of sand across the desert floor only to land back on my feet.

I have burned in the fire of my passion and burnt myself out to be resurrected like the Phoenix from the ashes.

I have stood grounded on the earth against the odds like a tree that found the smallest patch of earth to grow in.  I have sent my roots down until they cracked open the barren landscape and created my own destiny.

There have also been times when I have felt like a Lioness that lost too many battles and I just lay down a while to lick my wounds.  Gone quietly within and I have given myself permission to heal and to not let the world make me cold-hearted.  The scars I carry, I carry with pride because they remind me of my survival.

I have shouted at love and said never again!  I have laughed in the face of danger and taken the risk anyway knowing that the risk is worth it.  I have been foolish with my dreams and squandered opportunities but I have also nurtured some like fragile samplings and they have flourished.

Like the Wolf I have hunted my fears and slayed them one by one.  I have realized that it is important to see them for what they really are… an enemy that wishes to keep me small and in me place.

Yes, I have been tested by life.  I have survived many a storm and come out the other side with a few scars but I have always stood up again.

What I know is that the world can be a battlefield but it also holds much beauty because even though it can bash you up against the rocks it can also lift you up so you can ride the wave.  There is an abundance of love in a mothers gaze.  There is protection and warmth by a fathers side.  There is camaraderie in the support of siblings and friends. There is ecstasy in a lovers touch. There is pride and joy as your children succeed and grow.  There is innocence and the promise of tomorrow in a grandchild's eyes.  There is the wisdom of the ancestors as they guide you lovingly to where you have to be.  All these things are worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears you can muster.

I have fought my battles alone and tapped every ounce of my courage.  I vow to never surrender.  I will always stand and fight for what I desire, for my dreams for what I believe in and for those close to me because I know that I can never live my life on my knees…

So Be It!

Truth or Fiction...

I am making a strong attempt to not sound condescending or righteous while I am writing this blog; I want it to be neutral.  Something interesting is happening in the world.  People are hanging onto their beliefs and even changing well known scientific fact or history to suit a narrative of their own.  Older people, Baby Boomers and Generation X’ers, are more susceptible it seems.  I spoke to my Millennial son about why they don’t get suckered into this phenomenon as much and in his opinion it is very simple;  They know how to recognize garbage when they see it and we don’t.

You see it’s simple; they have never lived in a world where fact and fiction has not been the opposite side of the coin. They know movies are fake (even the ones that claim to be based in fact) and they know that we the older generation put a spin on everything to make people buy in.  Well guess what – they ain’t buying what we are selling!

However this bending of the truth has opened a sticky area that feels like leaky gut syndrome to me… crap just keeps trickling out.  If you repeat the lie enough, people will believe it.   They will send link after link of information found on dubious sites as proof that they are right.  Yet when historical or scientific facts are stated, if it doesn’t suit the narrative, it is discarded as being the conspiracy that we are being fed, by I am not sure whom.  The end result I believe is that we are getting sick and losing our moral compass.

In general society has taken a step back.  There is no longer “THE Truth” there is only the spin you want it to have.  What we don’t understand is that every Tom, Dick and Harriett can now have their opinion heard.  This is a good thing most of the time but when the ignorant starts leading the blind… well then I really don’t know.  Now when I say ignorant let me clarify that I don’t mean uneducated, no, I mean the people who actually do know better but are willfully misleading because they have decided that “commonly” understood, well known facts no longer suit their narrative.

Why do I feel this is a problem you ask? Well, I had a very disconcerting chat on facebook with a group of acquaintances from high school.  Little did I know that they are Holocaust deniers and I foolishly engaged.  They sent me link after link of facts that they have found on the internet to support their philosophy, that Hitler didn’t give the order for “The Final Solution” and that only one or two million Jews were murdered because it wasn’t possible to murder more etc. etc.  Even when another person provided some alternative sites that speak to the number of people including Jews that died in camps they just refuted it with the claim that it was Jewish propaganda.   I just left the conversation but I was deeply saddened because to me it doesn’t matter how many people died, six million or three hundred thousand (which was one claim) it remains a terrible, horrific time in history and one that I hope we never repeat.

 But my real fear is that I think we will repeat it.  I fear we have not learned anything from the past. We refute and dispute known facts.  We have people that believe the earth is flat for crying out loud!  When did that become a thing?  Why would our planet be the only one in the Universe that is different?  We sow division. Racism, Antisemitism, Misogyny and Militant Feminism is blatant.  The disenfranchised are disregarded.  People (Syria) are bombed daily and no-one bats an eye.  Children are put into holding cells (cages) and nothing is done.  Refugees are shunned and pushed to the margins of society.  Have we have lost our ability to have or even show compassion for all humans?

I don’t know how to fix this globally.  Perhaps finding “better” people to vote for will help, but power corrupts we have seen it many times.  After that sticky conversation about the Holocaust I spoke to my son about it and he looked at me incredulously.  “Unfriend them, why would you want to be friends with people like that?!” he asked.  And that is when I realized the power is mine. I can create my world in a way that it supports Sacred Life.  I can share with an open heart and have compassion for my fellow human beings.  I can refrain from judgement and I can fight against darkness by shining my light far and wide.  This doesn’t mean that I will avoid people who disagree with me but if they are actively working on creating division and hate… then they gotta go…

Love & Light

Beltane ~ Time for The Wild Masculine

I am fascinated by the concept of the Wild Masculine.  Now days we hear much about the Wild Feminine as women everywhere attempt to connect once again with their inert feminine nature.  I believe we are forgetting about a significant part of this renaissance; The Masculine.  I don’t imagine that the one can become whole without the other.  We can empower women, make them stronger and more self-sufficient but without enlightened men we are, in my opinion, fighting a losing battle.

In this time of the #metoo movement there are two significant things happening.  I see feminism taking a nasty turn and in that we are becoming as narrow minded as the men we are standing up against.  It fills me with sadness because I would have thought we knew better, but bitterness often makes you weak and vengeful.  Secondly some men scoff the movement as irrelevant and a “card to be pulled”.  I assure you it is neither.

It brings me back to the concept of the Wild Masculine.  I have read quite a bit about it however I feel I have just scratched the surface.  There is still much to learn, just as I continue to uncover more about the Wild Feminine.  I can share what I know so far about the Wild Masculine… but I am sure that someday I will have more to reveal.

The Wild Masculine is raw primordial power.  He is the incarnation of Freyr, Pan, Cernunnos and The Green Man.  It connects with the feminine without fear and with an open heart.  The masculinity that is mirrored to us today is but a hollow shell.  A world were the feminine has been oppressed doesn’t offer men the opportunity to be open, strong and playful, not with the feminine nor within their brotherhood. 

Many men have become attached to their ego’s not their hearts which has led to unhealthy competition.  I don’t believe that men want to be this way; I just think they have lost the knowledge of how to be true to themselves. This incarnation of the world certainly doesn’t nurture this type of masculinity.

When men meet on an equal footing among themselves they are the unstoppable warrior energy that can change the world.  They provide a place for women to work their magic of birthing and creation.  Without the seed there can be no creation and no birthing.

The Wild Masculine loves without boundary and will allow himself to be vulnerable.  His gift is to penetrate a woman to her deepest core unlocking pleasure and the true understanding of the Source and Love.  When men and woman connect in this way they are two parts of equal measure of the same breath that creates not only life but harmony.  He will not ever diminish the woman he has chosen but will choose to honour the feminine.  He relies on the wisdom of the feminine to see the mystical and the magic of existence and he knows that with and through her he can know Source. 

The Wild Masculine knows and understands that it his mission is to bring light into the darkness and force it back and while doing so he will not sacrifice his integrity, honour or beliefs.  He is always in alignment with what is right and for the greater good of humanity.  He is Love made into Action…

Love & Light

I am Heathen… and this is why.

People often ask me why I am Heathen.  For some time I wasn’t able to give them and answer that made sense, it was as if I couldn’t quite put it into words.  So, I spent some time thinking about it why I am a Pagan so that next time I was asked I could answer the question clearly without hesitation.

I have always believed in something greater than myself, the Church however left me cold.  I felt that the Patriarchy of Christianity didn’t feed me.  I could not reconcile a God of love with one who spoke of an eternal punishment if you did not follow the rules.  Then Jesus died and for our sins and was resurrected.  That took a lot of responsibility off our shoulders; we could ask for forgiveness and be saved but there was still there was something missing.  

Here are my reasons for choosing to be a Pagan:

Re-incarnation:

I was very young when I started to believe in re-incarnation.  I could never wrap my head around how one would get only one chance to live a good life and not make any mistakes.  In my everyday life I was granted chance after chance by my earthly Father why would a heavenly Father not be more compassionate if he were a God of love.  I feel certain that I will keep coming back until I am enlightened and I am absolutely convinced that I have lived many lives both of power and darkness.

Goddess Worship:

Somewhere deep inside my subconscious I knew that there were Goddesses that had been stripped of their power and were waiting to be worshipped once again.  I could feel the rise of the feminine and I wanted to be part of that movement.  However I never become only a Goddess worshipper I believe in balance where both the masculine and the feminine are revered. 

Karma:

I believe in the law of Karma and free will; what you sow so shall you reap.  To me this means that if I do my best to be a good person that is what will be returned to me.  If I do harm intentionally it will have a karmic repercussion.  Every experience in my life is a consequence of a decision I made. 

Free Will:

I have free will and I therefore have the freedom of choice and there is always a choice.  With choice comes great responsibility.  I attract everything good and bad with my intention and the choices I make.  Choice is freedom!!

Responsibility:

Even though there is something comforting about Jesus taking away our sins I prefer to take responsibility for my own life and deeds.  I feel that only through learning, healing and striving to be a better person can I become a part of Source. 

This is why I am Heathen and proud of it.  I feel in control of my life but in the knowledge that there is a reason for everything and nothing is coincidence.  There is a synchronicity to my life that allows it to flow, move and be vibrant.  There is a Great Mystery at work and I am part of it...

Love & Light

Are we failing new Pagans?

I witnessed something last weekend that terrified me.  This may sound somewhat dramatic but I felt overwhelmed by the energy in the room.  I went to the psychic fair.  Mostly we had a wonderful time, I had a great palm and tarot reading by Johanna and I found a beautiful new leather bound book to record my own sacred text and Spells (Grimoire). 

We decided to go listen to one of the speakers.  The talk we wanted to hear was on Aura photography.  I know what an Aura is and I know the significance, how to clear and expand it but it is not my field of study so finding out about how it is photographed and read sounded fascinating.  Well, that’s when things went wrong…

The speaker spent all of three minutes on Aura’s and then launched into talking about curses and vows and that is a subject I know something about.   If that had been what I signed up for no problem but it was not.  The speaker asked the people in the room to stand up and renounce any vows and curses that they may have made in this lifetime and others.  Typically this would not be a problem if you have explained the consequences and had people had time to work through the karmic repercussions of such an act, but none were.  It was simply, stand up and repeat after me...  That was eye opening and in my opinion reckless.

Then the audience started asking questions and that is when I became horrified. Some of the questions revealed that people have been using magic and ancient ways without any concept of the consequences of their actions.  They are dabbling with energies that they don’t comprehend or respect.  One of the attendees spoke of how she had used a voodoo doll and now was wondering if she should just burn it in an effort to reverse what she had done.  There was no understanding of the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  People are just going onto the internet and downloading stuff and doing it!  It is like a Pagan Porn fest out there!

So I ask the Old Guard, those of us who have stood at the gateway to the unknown and studied our Craft intensively, what do we do?  How do we reach more people and help them understand Magic the Ancient Ways and the Old Goddesses and Gods?  How do we teach the Old Ways in such a way that people respect and revere it?   We have to find ways to reach people and teach them about the Rule of Three and First Do No Harm.  It is wonderful that people are waking up but we need them to wake up in the light.  So let’s get out there and teach, guide and lead.  It is for us to do…

Love & Light

3 Things to stop doing in 2018

At the beginning of this New Year I want to attempt to get us all to look at things from a different perspective.  I find that we are all very hard on ourselves.  We will often give others a break for failing or making a mistake but we won’t forgive ourselves for the same thing.  This year I want us to all practice self-compassion and change our perceptions.

One of the most used self-criticisms I hear is “I should know… do…change…” etc.  It is that word “Should” that causes many problems in our lives because we beat ourselves with it.  I have a question… why should we know or do anything?  Would we not do it if the time is right and if we really knew?  It always makes me think about a Buddha quote I love.

To know but not to do is not yet to know ~ Buddha

First thing to go = Should, replace with “I want to.”

Making mistakes is another area where people beat themselves up.  Making mistakes is a natural way of learning.  Get to the stage where you feel comfortable making mistakes and learning new things and explore the outer edges, as that is where we grow.

Second thing to go = Fear of making mistakes.  Replace with “I want to learn.”

Fear of walking the edge.  We often say no to things that would stretch us and help us grow.  We do this out of fear of the unknown and the result is we keep our world and experiences small.

Third thing to go = Saying No.  Replace with YES!

Finally I want to remind everyone that we are all doing the best we can.  We make our decisions based on what we know and it is only once we have acted on the decision that we can see if it was good or not.  Hindsight as they say is 20/20. 

So cut yourself some slack.  Relax take a deep breath… after all, you’re only human…

Love & Light