A Decade of Lessons Learned.

Here we are standing on the threshold of a New Year and a new decade. Looking back over the last decade I came up with a list of things that I have learned.  Interesting that there are times when I still fall into the trap with one or two but in general I have been growing and learning all the time.  I think we overlook our growth daily and it is only with true reflection that we can see where we were ten years ago.  I can safely say that I am not even remotely the same person. With the help of the Medicine Wheel I have reviewed the core changes that have taken place over the last decade.  It is amazing to consider that I have only been on my healing path since 2009. 

EAST – Sun - Spirit:

The very first step of my healing journey is here.  In 2009 I first heard the knock of Spirit, my own and Great Spirit.  I was happy enough but something was missing.  There was a hole somewhere in my Soul that needed to be filled.  I did fight against it, which is my usual go to, but in the end I took the plunge.  What I know now: we need faith in something larger than ourselves and also in ourselves to have peace in the knowledge that everything is exactly as it should be.

WEST – Earth - Physical:

In this direction I was reckless and I feel I squandered much and didn’t take advantage of all the opportunities that presented themselves.  I made some fundamental mistakes.  I didn’t listen to my intuition and took risks I should not have.  What was the lesson?  There’s two:  You don’t need much material goods to be happy as long as you can meet the necessities, food, clothing, home and security. As a matter of fact not owning much gives you a sense of freedom.  The second lesson is: NEVER, EVER dismiss your intuition!  Always listen!

SOUTH – Water – Heart:

Ah, this direction was my greatest challenge.  Opening my heart was tough because you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and that is a feeling that makes me uncomfortable.  Looking at my stories and unraveling them so that I could forgive myself and others were rough.  I mean, who likes mushing around in the places where you are raw and hurting? It was so worth it though.  In this direction I learnt that: Forgiveness is essential, it removes anger and pain.  Always speak your truth because if you don’t you are robbed of your peace.  If speaking your truth makes people leave then so be it, that means they were never supposed to be in your space anyway as they have no clue who you really are.  Accept the consequences.

NORTH – Air – Mind:

Problem area number two!  It took a lot of work to shut my mind down, and frankly, this is still an area I struggle with.  My mind can play tricks on my like no-bodies business.  The projections that I can conjure up could make a script writer feel inadequate.  I have learned to practice being present in the moment. To not project into the future but to wait until something happens and then deal not before.  What I know is that what I dream up by over-thinking never happens so sleepless nights are not required.  If there are circumstances or people in your life that are causing you to project and over-think – LET THEM, OR IT GO! Don’t let situations carry on past its expiry date, take action and move on.

CENTER – Breath – Life Force:

Here the lessons have been simple and quite direct.  Always be authentically you.  Be careful who you share your energy with.  Some people are only in it for what they can get and they will leave you drained and confused (enter the mind).  Find people that match or exceed your vibration so that you can be inspired to do better.  Above all… BREATHE!

 Love & Light

Growing Bolder...

Recently a nine year old picture of me came up in my newsfeed.  I was drawn to my youthful look and I think I look stunning (if I say so myself). There is a sparkle in my eyes and a vibrancy that I have nurtured all my life.  This was a photo shoot I promised I would do the year I turned fifty.  This young woman could not be stopped. She went out and wrote two books that year and opened a practice the next , her energy was contagious, boundless and inspired.

Now of course the picture of “older me” is not professional.  It was just taken by someone with no filters or photo shop, it is simply me with all my flaws but somehow it speaks more to my essence than the other photo does.

The first photo was taken before my healing journey began.  I was still finding my way in this world and caught up with things which don’t mean much in the greater scheme of things.  I don’t judge who I was, I simply recognize that I was different.  I love that younger version because she is the one that found the courage to step onto the path of healing and stick to it with a determination and tenacity that only she could have mustered.  She is my HERO!

When I look at the second photo I see a softening and a compassion for myself and others that I know the younger version did not have, she was pretty black or white.  Though that same spark is still present there is a deeper knowing behind my eyes that is brought forth by looking into the depths of your own darkness and making that part of you your ally.  I no longer fear death or change I embrace the fact that nothing stays the same and that it shouldn’t.  If we want relationships or anything else in our lives to last, we have to work at allowing space for our own growth and that of our partners for they also have to evolve.

The older version of me realizes that life is grey and that nothing can be definitive.  She also knows that she knows nothing and that she is constantly learning things about herself and her world.  She is aware that her own darkness will change its shape to fool her into thinking that she’s got it when she really doesn’t and she has learnt to dance with it because there is true healing to be found there.  She has become more joyful and is filled with gratitude for everything she has and everything she has lost, for in that loss she found her strength.

The current version of me has found a way to love unconditionally.  I no longer need a “return” or proof of anyone’s love based on old belief systems that held me hostage.  It is enough that I give love in a way that nurtures and fortifies me and to have healthy boundaries.  I accept the fact that others are not always going to be able to meet my level of intimacy and that’s okay, they may not be ready. I no longer need others for validation of whom I am or who I am becoming.  I love myself deeply.

Believe me when I say this journey is not complete and I look forward to the future me, ten years from now, because I believe that she will change the world around her…

Love & Light

Silencing the Sacred Feminine

I have been debating writing this piece.  I feel as if I am dealing with such a touchy subject but I have somehow discovered the courage to write it.  I am of course referring to the Pro-Life / Pro-Choice debate.  When you look at it at face value in the world we live in today it seems perfectly normal that a woman should have the right to choose based on whatever criteria is important to her whether it be her own health, health of the fetus, economic circumstances, age or that she just doesn’t want to have or raise a child. 

I think my own view is probably more in alignment with Pro-Life but I will never judge the very difficult choice some women have to make, some alone and some with their partners to terminate a pregnancy. Advances in medicine have given us the tools to ensure that healthy humans are born and to me that is a gift that allows us to make better choices.  However I still imagine that even then there is a careful consideration of all the facts before abortion is decided upon.  I never imagine it to be a careless or reckless choice but one that is made with sobriety and care.

However this is not what I want to write about, what I want to address is the legislation that is being brought to remove a woman’s right to choose.  For me this is a dangerous and slippery slope we are standing on and frankly have nothing to do with fetuses but everything to do with ensuring the Sacred Feminine does not rise. 

We are all aware of the women’s movements that have sprouted up at grassroots level and have been building momentum over time.  Were we really that naïve to think that the Patriarchal system would not fight back with any and all means at their disposal?  These men still hold the power and they will wield it ruthlessly.  

One simply has to look at the wording of the Bill put forth in Alabama to realize that this actually has nothing to do with the unborn but rather with the subjugation of women.  Who in their right minds would conceive that having a woman carry a rapist’s child to full term was a good idea, or worse still one of incest?  The fact is that the Bill will most likely not come into effect in the near future but it doesn’t have to.  It is a ploy that we must not be deceived by.  They are making the Bill as incongruous as possible to get it in front of the Supreme Court which is heavily stacked in the favour of the Patriarchy. 

For the better part of eight hundred years the Patriarchy systematically stripped all women of their rights and burned those who would not go quietly at the stake.  Picture a time, not so long ago (1900’s) when as a woman you could not own property, had no right to vote and once married you were not even regarded as a person.  As a matter of fact you weren’t even able to gain salvation and a place in heaven. 

Can you imagine going to a bank to open an account and being refused as a married woman because you would need your husbands’ signature?  I don’t have to imagine, that has actually happened to me.  In many countries that is still a requirement and it is impossible for us to wrap our heads around.  I remember being angry and humiliated but I still had to get my husband to sign, there was no alternative.

It is going to get worse before it gets better.  We should ready ourselves for pushback on a grand scale because the only recourse the Patriarchy has in this day and age is legislation and as I said they are going to use it.  It also doesn’t help that women still don’t see themselves as equal to their male counterparts some even go as far as to repress  themselves.  I don’t know how many times I hear comments from women, usually older women, about the “Good Ole Days” and how much simpler life was.  Make no mistake those days sucked big time for women and was the heyday of the Patriarchy.  We were barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen catering to every whim of the Masculine and that was never the intention of any God.

What I do know is that the Patriarchal Masculine energy will no longer be tolerated in the Universe.  Earth is being pushed to make strides forward in raising its awareness and consciousness.  To do this we need to strike a balance between the Sacred Feminine and the Sacred Masculine, neither one should be subjugated. 

I know that the older generations laugh at the Millennials because they seem to be blurring the lines between the genders but that is exactly the energy needed to start propelling us into the new consciousness.  Yes to some of us it may look ridiculous but any change is considered such in the beginning.  Just think back to when women started to wear slacks, they were ridiculed but now everyone finds it quite normal, a simple example but one of great significance.

We also are seeing an increase in men that are taking up the daunting task of healing their emotional pain, not just stuffing it down to fester into anger or drinking it into oblivion.  In doing so they are healing their generational masculine lineage a task that is by no means easy or insignificant.  The women are doing the same, in greater numbers at this time, but my dream is that we will soon be one for one.  What I do know is that when a woman heals she gently guides her mate to his healing and once we have balanced our own relationships with our partners, sons and daughters we are healing seven generations forward and seven back.  Just consider the ripple effect that can have on the vibration of the Earth!

To all of us who are healing and doing whatever we can to raise our own vibrations I say “A’Ho Awanestika”!  You have been heard and your healing is the greatest gift you can give us…

Love & Light

Watch your language!

Lately I have been triggered continuously by things that other people say or do.  It has become a gooey, sticky mess and I have had many uncomfortable moments.  My once reasonably quiet mind has started to chatter and the itty bitty shitty committee has had much to say.  The chatter is projecting into the future and causing some anxiety. 

As I don’t like to live with anxiety or a busy mind I have been actively trying to determine why I have been responding in this manner.  It is easy to say, that person or situation, is a problem and place the blame elsewhere but we all know that is neither true and won’t solve a thing.  Today the truth finally hit me!

Words have meaning:

Words carry weight for me.  I see all words spoken as a means to set my intent.  Therefore when I say something I mean it and I see it as an agreement.  My word is my bond.  What I have noticed is that some people use words without any intent.  Words are just spoken flippantly as a matter of course with no agreement attached.  So my problem is – I see an agreement where there is none.  This is a tough one to swallow, because again I am assuming that everyone has my gravitas when it comes to words.  From now on I will ask for clarification and not simply make assumptions. 

In addition I have discovered that I have been drawing in a certain type of tyrant.  Tormentors – these are people whose own pain and anger is so deep that they make every attempt to reduce your joy and happiness.   They torment you with words and emotional abuse (which may turn to physical abuse) depending on their character.  In my case it is the emotional roller-coaster that is upsetting my equilibrium.  This lesson has huge significance for me because when I engage with anyone I create a connection.  I also realize that it is not about cutting ties but rather about becoming detached from the outcome.  I need to learn to care only for my energy and my words and leave other people’s actions and words outside my circle.

Now that I have some clarity about what is going on I realize I am creating drama in my life by not setting boundaries and speaking my truth.  Of course taking these actions with a tormentor will have consequences and I need to remain detached.  Intent and strength of will is required to work through and heal the trigger.  Once the trigger no longer has hold… it will be done.

So be it!

Love & Light

As Above... So Below...

Have you ever wondered why we use the words “As Above – So Below” as part of our Rituals?  I think many just say the words by rote without a deeper understanding of what it means.  Even in Shamanism we use a similar incantation; “We Marry the As Above with the So Below”.  Historically it comes from the Egyptian-Greek Emerald Tablet of the 2^nd and 3^rd centuries CE and it was embraced by European Hermetic occult practitioners and is still with us today. 

So theoretically we can say that it has been around since ancient times and therefore is encased in our collective ancestral knowledge.  I however think that when we look at what it really means and stop saying it by rote as a way to begin a ritual we could deepen our rituals and what we are attempting to manifest will become more focused.

How many times have I heard people speak to how difficult it is for them to manifest what they desire?  They say all the right incantations, work with the Gods and Goddesses and yet things are just not what they are seeking.  Interesting…  I have a theory.

First, let’s explore the As Above.  What is the As Above – it is the Dream Space.  This is where all our dreams, visions or the goals reside.  We all know that we have to have a clear picture of the Dream we want to manifest that is why we use vision boards and various other tools to strengthen that dream. The piece we miss… is our ability to overcome our own doubt. 

Doubt clouds our ability to manifest.  It makes us water down our dream and bring it more in line with what the Ego believes our abilities are.  Our Dreamer knows that we are infinite and that nothing is impossible.  What drives our Ego… Fear.  Fear of failure and sometimes even fear of success.

The So Below is this reality that we are in every day.  This is where the Ego lives and here it reigns supreme.  It will trick us into believing that we should not risk what we have.  There are times it will make you believe that you don’t deserve the dream you are manifesting.  Because of doubt the As Above is not reflected in the So Below and therefore can’t be made manifest.  That is why saying “As Above, So Below” as part of a ritual will not necessarily reap success – because we don’t believe it.

So, what can we do to overcome our Ego’s and get out of our own way?  We have to heal the Inner world so that we can calm the mind and start to see the Outer world for what is really is.  We need to stop projecting into the future and be in the now.  When we realize that what we do today is the foundation for tomorrow then we start to see the shift.  We need to stay the course and not let our Ego’s lead us astray. 

Love & Light

Ever feel you’re Just Not Good Enough?

I am currently studying addiction and how Shamanism can support Addicts to wellness.  During the course we re-visited a particular teaching that really touched me the first time I heard it when I started my Shamanic journey.  I would like to share these with you so that next time you feel unworthy you can recall the beliefs and perhaps change your perspective.

Firstly, it is important to recognize that we all feel unworthy at times.  This feeling stems mostly from our childhood when we experienced a loss of innocence.  Loss of innocence comes in many forms.   An example could be that you are the apple of your parent’s eye and you can do nothing wrong.  Then you start school and perhaps you don’t do very well and for the first time ever your parents show their displeasure.  That simple act of telling you that you didn’t meet their expectations could be the catalyst for some of these core beliefs.

I want to add that there is NO BLAME to be placed on loved ones.  This blog is not about awakening the story of how you were not supported or loved.  It is simply to identify where some of these feelings may stem from and your story begins.  Remember that your parents did the best they could with the tools available to them.   We may not be the ones who initiated the trauma but all our experiences are what we signed up for in the evolution of our Spirit and it is our responsibility to heal it.

Core Belief #1:  I am basically a bad and unworthy person:

Cast your mind back to the first time someone scolded you and told you “You are a bad child”.  Can you recall that feeling?  They may even have added “Go to your room” or “Get out of my sight”.  Many times from our perspective we were not necessarily being “bad” but rather learning and experimenting.  That was your first encounter with conditional love.  There is usually two reactions to this trauma, you act out and become “bad” or you do everything in your power to become worthy of the others love. 

Loss of innocence

Core Belief #2:  No-one would or could love me as I really am:

It becomes clear to us that we are bad and unworthy so we armour and start to wear masks in order to project what we want others to see.  We even have different masks for different people like a chameleon forever matching the colour of the person we are engaging with.  Depending on our personalities we might start telling stories to make ourselves important.   The other side of the coin is self-pity where our story becomes who we are and we tell it to all that will listen in order to feel acknowledged. 

Loss of authenticity

Core Belief #3:  My needs will never be met by others:

As we grow we start to realize that we can’t depend on anyone but ourselves.  We all have experiences where we trusted someone only to be disappointed.  The hurt that strikes the deepest are those around our romantic relationships.  We start to believe that people will always let us down or betray us.  Often we will isolate ourselves.  Sometimes we will create “tests” for people to see if they will abandon us if we push them hard enough, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It becomes a rinse and repeat cycle where our past continually influences our future.

Loss of trust

Core Belief #4: My Addiction is all I need:
Feeding your addiction becomes your most important need to be met.  This doesn't always mean  drugs.  It could even be things that would under normal circumstances be good for us i.e. exercise or food.  As the trigger hits so I need to feed myself with that which makes me feel better.  The stimulant removes the feeling of being worthless temporarily so I continue to return to it.
Loss of connection to Spirit

Core Belief #5:  Sex=Love=Pain

As a Human the greatest gift that we have to offer is Love.  Yet everything in our human experience feels as if that is the one thing we can’t find.  When all these beliefs come together we believe in our core that we are unlovable and worse still that we don’t deserve love.  When we fall in love something triggers the feeling that we will be punished for loving and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.   We hold back or shut down and do everything in our power to avoid feeling.  Better to feel numb or be callous than to be vulnerable.

Loss of Love

With Shamanism these core beliefs are dismantled and re-written.  You heal every trauma and story until you are finally able to find your way back to Self-Love.  Once you realize that your ability to love yourself heals all these core beliefs you can step back into innocence, authenticity, trust and LOVE... 

Love & Light

2018, Exit Stage Left...

For some of us it is good riddance!  Yes I know, for many of us 2018 was a rough year.  2018 seemed more chaotic than usual and nothing worked out the way we planned… or very little anyway.  I would like to just speak to 2018 and it’s energy one last time so bear with me.

We saw the #metoo and other feminist movements and agenda’s being brought to the forefront in 2018.  So much so that we could be lead to believe that 2018 was about healing the Feminine but that could not be further from the truth.  We saw prominent men brought to their knees last year.  We saw other men reaching out and speaking across the divide that separates the feminine and the masculine. 

2018 was the beginning of the shift of the Masculine Collective.  The old masculine paradigm is an energy that is no longer Universally tolerated.  As with any shift there is pain but only if we hang onto the old ways.  The men who were brought down were the pillars that held up the old paradigm and one by one they have been falling and will continue into 2019 but with more subtlety.

The unfortunate thing is that many people only saw the “angry Feminine” as the face of the year but these women were the catalysts for the Masculine shift.   Without their action the outdated masculine would continue to prevail.  It was about balancing the “me” and “we”.

Armed with this information reflect on your own 2018.  How were you able to bridge the gap in your own relationships with the opposite sex?  I know that there were shifts with my relationships with my sons mostly due to the fact that they softened.  The shift however was not without chaos and conflict in the first part of the year as I set boundaries and they pushed back.  As the year continued and ego’s, mine and theirs, let go of how we thought it should be and healed rifts I saw a gentle shift towards a deeper understanding. 

For men who were not ready 2018 was tough, they broke relationships and stepped away from their healing process.  I witnessed a lot of fear response to letting go of the past, although thankfully there was a return to stepping into the new Masculine energy for many, but only after the December Solstice and full Moon which was the ultimate and final shift of the year.

So here we are with 2019 wide open in front of us.  What will it hold and where are we heading as a collective consciousness?  Only time will tell…

Love & Light!